Trying to trust God and my husband

After some frustration with the "trying" aspect of TTC, I am trying avoid it feeling like work.  I'm working on trusting that if God wants us to  have a baby, he will make sure that we get together at the right time (as long as we are not actively trying to thwart him).  Me initiating and pushing is removing the unitive aspect, and so I need to back off and let my husband let in that department.  It's not easy since we are doing our 21-day antibiotic right now and it's hard to feel like they aren't being wasted if we don't have good timing.  Also, I'm trying to trust that whenever my husband decides to initiate will be fine whether it means our timing is good or not.  Our schedules right now make it a challenge to find time for it after K is asleep.  This cycle's late ovulation is making it more difficult, and I think that I may have finally ovulated yesterday, but we only used P-2.  I need to work on releasing control, especially over my fertility (or lack thereof).

Frustration

I feel terrible saying this when I have already received the blessing of one wonderful, smart (although very intense) daughter, and others are still waiting for even one.  I'm jealous of pregnant women.  A friend of mine recently announced her pregnancy with their 3rd child.  My body does not seem to be cooperating this cycle and I'm on day 24 or so and haven't ovulated yet, and the scheduled marital act is getting old, although we did have a talk about it last night after some frustration on both sides.  I'm not really yet secondary infertility and I am still breastfeeding relatively frequently.  We are on the 21 day antibiotic this cycle, so I have 3 weeks of nausea without the benefit of even being pregnant yet (I had it with the cyclical before conceiving K as well).  Well, I'd better get to bed since I'm done working for the night and K will be up in about 6 hours or so.  I need to balance out by posting about K soon.

Biting

K (15 1/2 months) has started biting, but thankfully she is only biting me and not her friends.  It seems to happen when she is frustrated.  I tell her no biting, and put her down and walk away for a minute, during which time she usually cries.  She's been teething, so I'm also giving her a toy that she can bite on afterwards and telling her that if she needs to bite, to bite the toy instead of Momma.

Any additional suggestions?

P+4 Frustration

As I was getting ready for my shower this morning, I saw blood.  I was really hoping that the antibiotics would stop it.  If I have to deal with not ever getting pregnant, I will consider that God's will.  However, I cannot and will not deal with an insane amount of my life taken over by bleeding until I reach menopause.  I'm really more angry than sad about it.  I really need Dr. H. to figure out the cause soon.  I did call PPVI and ask for the nurses to call me back.  For a while now, I've thought about the woman with the hemorrhage who just had faith and touched Jesus and she was healed.  I just wish I knew how to do that.

My new nanny job is going well.  The little boy is great and I really like the mom, who I'm helping out this week since she's still home on leave.  I'm actually off today since she's going to visit some friends, so I'm going to try to get some things done around the house and do errands.

More on Frustration, Timing (plus a turtle as a bonus)

In response to everyone's very helpful comments on my previous post about my timing frustrations:

It's not a no interest ever issue, so I don't think it's a more serious issue unrelated to TTC or him just being tired.

Sometimes what happens is that he'll "submit" to my wanting to use a day of fertility, but some of those times it feels like I'm doing all the "work" and he's just lying there.  This isn't happening all the time, even on days of fertility, it's just that it happens often enough to cause frustration.  It's not very unitive when it seems like the other person is half asleep.  Last night, we didn't really have either purpose fulfilled.

I wish that forewarning helped, but it doesn't seem to make it any more of a priority or take the pressure off of me. I do try to dress nicely on those days and make it more than just wanting one thing and trying to entice him in other ways.  Mornings aren't really an option since he's not at all a morning person and has to be at work at 7am anyways.  A lot of it does have to do with him being tired from working 6 days a week most weeks, but I just wish that it was a bit more of a priority for him.

It's hard for me to be "available" during other times of the month with the amount of bleeding/spotting that I've been having to deal with.  Trying to use any days I'm bleeding tends not to end well because it quickly becomes uncomfortable for one or both of us.

I'm hoping that we'll use at least one more day.  Right now, we've only really used what is at best P-3.  There's a good chance I'll ovulate in the next day or two, which is pretty good for me since today is only CD 15.

Thanks for listening to my venting.  Obviously, this is the kind of thing that it's less than helpful to vent to D about (venting as opposed to discussing...obviously discussing the issue with D is good).  Like Misfit said, yelling/crying/whatever only makes it worse, which is frustrating since that's when you most want to yell/cry/whatever.  I will try to write down my feelings next time and give him a note since getting upset just makes him shut down more, thanks to Awaiting for the suggestion.  IF is hard enough without having to worry about and stress over what is supposed to be the fun and pleasurable part.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who is dealing with this (although I wish no one had to).

Here's one of my turtle figurines to make this post happier:

Jenny from All Things sent me a turtle figurine as my Lent Prayer Buddy gift and I'll post that next time.  Thanks, Jenny!
 

Very Frustrated (probably TMI)

I've posted about my frustrations with timing before, but it's not getting any better.  I don't see much effort on D's part to try or actively participate when we do use a day (I do all the work a lot of the time).  I started having 10C/KL on Wednesday, our anniversary.  We had used Tuesday night, so nothing happened Wednesday night and I didn't want to push.  Last night, D got home late after hanging out with a friend and was practically asleep when we "used" yesterday. However, I don't know that yesterday even really counts since everything that needed to happen didn't (I'm trying to put this in a way that explains what happened without going into explicit detail).  I doubt anything will happen tonight either.  I cried a lot last night and this morning.

Other things always seem to get in the way of using days and it never seems to be a priority for D.  This has been a problem since before officially IF set in.  He'd rather stay out late with a friend, and Thursday and Friday are always days that he does that.  Saturday he's usually working late and Sunday-Wednesday nights aren't really better due to work.  I don't know what to do.  I try not to get frustrated, but I'm having a really hard timing not being sad and angry.  I've tried talking to D, but I don't think that I'm really getting through to him.  I have felt like giving up on TTC so many times, but when it comes down to it, I just can't stop trying and being the initiator.

I really hope that this cycle won't be a bust based purely on bad timing, but I really don't have much confidence right now.  I guess it's good I'm not on any meds that are solely for TTC, like ovulation inducers, etc., since then it would feel like a waste of money too.

Maybe if I'm lucky we'll have a few more days of "fertility" and we'll actually use a day.  We'll see.

Busy day and u/s drama

Today was a busy day.  I went to get our registration stickers from the driver's license office, got my b/w done and sent, got a new appraisal done on my wedding band/engagement ring (since the diamond was lost last year and we ended up using the money to pay down debt...hoping to replace by our tenth anniversary) and took the appraisal to my insurance company.

I have had very poor luck getting u/s results to PPVI.  The hospital sent them to my local urologist friend, but not PPVI.  When I found out that they hadn't gotten them, I called her but her office staff didn't see the note.  I had to call her again this morning and they finally got sent to PPVI.  They call and said the report actually didn't give them the information they need so we're working on getting a CD of the u/s sent up to them.  Hopefully that will be received before my cycle review (likely to be next Friday).

The good news is that as of right now, I'm not bleeding or spotting and I didn't bleed or spot yesterday.  Hopefully, this will continue until the end of the cycle and I can have a real CD 1.  No testing will take place unless I make it to P+15 with no more spotting.

Ridiculousness

I think I may be P+1, but the ridiculousness is that I'm bleeding AGAIN.  I seriously am so incredibly tired of bleeding all the time.  I just stopped bleeding less than a week ago.  No wonder I haven't ever gotten pregnant when I bleed such a ridiculous amount of the time.  We used Thursday night and this morning.  I was hoping that we might have a chance this time, but this doesn't make it seem very likely.  I really wish I knew what in the world was going on.  I guess I'll call PPVI on Monday.

Sometimes I worry it'll just be timing

I finally started having peak type CM yesterday (CD 15).  We having used any days yet this cycle, and we'll have to see if D is will to make the effort in the next few days.  He's doing his normal Thursday night out with his friend, then tomorrow we'll be driving to Houston for Father's day, and Saturday we'll be staying at his parents's house.  My expectations are not very high based on past experience.

I do worry that if I don't ever get pregnant, it'll be partly a timing issue that D wasn't willing to take the time to use a day despite my encouragement.  It seemed like things were improving in that area, but I'm concerned that it's going back to me almost having to beg and cajole D into using a day.  I don't want to be the initiator; I want D to show more desire and put in more effort.  I'm not sure what to do that won't just make it worse.  Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

This part is annoying

I'm hopefully finally done bleeding/spotting; today is CD 13. I had medium flow on CD 10 while my brother and I were at D's best friend's house visiting their brand new baby (it was a lovely reminder that my body doesn't work properly).  I'm so tired of bleeding for three weeks straight and having a 7-10+ day period.  It also interferes with intercourse since I'm bleeding for so long.   We use a couple days in the middle of the my cycle near ovulation and then it's another couple weeks before we do it again.  I'm ready for so good peak type mucus.  I need to start on my mucinex.  I forgot about it due to the bleeding, when I figured there was no point.

My trip to Austin went well.  I was pretty tired but I got to see my two of my brothers (BP and DF), my grandparents, and D's best friend, his wife and their new baby.  I also got to hold the baby for a while.  Since I was traveling, I haven't been following the Endo diet very well, so I need to get back on track with that.  I feel like I haven't spend much time with D lately, between the fact that he works most Saturdays, the couple evenings that I've worked, and the time he spends out with friends.

I don't know if I mentioned that my brother DF is finally engaged to his girlfriend of 9 1/2 years.  They are planning on a destination wedding in Hawaii next summer.  I'm sure it'll be fun but it means my grandparents cannot go to the wedding, plus it'll be expensive for D and I (although my parents have offered to help).  The other thing is that I might not even be able to go if I actually manage to get pregnant in the next five months or so.

The rest of the summer is pretty busy during the weekends.  We have 2 more weekends between now and the IF weekend August that we aren't traveling and don't have people visiting.  Next weekend, my dad will in Houston from Qatar on a business trip that happily just happens to fall over Father's Day weekend.  That means that we'll get to see both our dads for Father's Day.

I feel like this post is all over the place (even more than usual) and I apologize.  I also need to sit down and write up my faith story soon.

Annoyed

I got a call from PPVI this morning, but I missed it since I was in the shower.  I called back within 15 minutes (and it was about 10), but I didn't get a return call, even after calling again at 4:30.  So I'm still waiting to hear what Dr. H said about the bleeding, which is really annoying since I called on Tuesday morning and sent my chart yesterday morning (and the fact that they had an answer this morning but I missed the stupid call).  I understand that they have a lot of phone calls, but they ought to return a call where I had missed their call within the day, especially since it was so early in the day that I called them back.  I'm not having constant bleeding, just a tinge of brown right now, but there was a quick spurt of heavier bleeding for a little while yesterday (warning TMI ahead) after a BM.  I'm P+8 today.  I better hear from PPVI early tomorrow, or they'll be getting another call from me.  So annoyed right now.

Bleeding

So last night I started bleeding (TMI warning) during intercourse and it was more like period bleeding than a cut.  Yesterday was P+5 and I did have a bit of a cry while hugging D.  I'm going to call PPVI and let them know, even though they probably can't do anything.  I'm posting email so I'll end here.  

Ridiculous *Updated

Update: I just called PPVI and I'm waiting for a call back.  I'll post when they've called me.

I have been bleeding for 19 straight days (and I had two days of bleeding four days before that started).  This is ridiculous and I'm going to be so angry if this happens on any more cycles.  Yesterday it seemed like the bleeding was tapering off, but it got slightly heavier again (still light to medium).  I don't know if it would be worthwhile to call PPVI since I don't know that they can actually do anything to make the bleeding stop.  Since April 1, I've had only 10 days where I wasn't bleeding.  The most frustrating thing about the bleeding for me is that my progesterone (for my luteal phase) is high.  I'm not sure how long I can deal with this; the bleeding better stop in the next 24 hours.  I'm ready to be "fertile" (as inaccurate as that description has been in the last nearly three years).  I'm guessing this cycle will be back toward the longer side since I'm already on CD12 and still bleeding.

TCIE, does last cycle with the crazy bleeding even count as an effective cycle?  Or am I still stuck in "fake" trying?

Is it normal to feel so discouraged after the laparotomy?  I feel less hopeful and more down than I did before.

Frustration

In the last few months, my cycle had been looking pretty nice.  I had decent peak type CM, ovulation around CD 15, and a 14-15 day LP, with no irregular bleeding.  However, my body has completely freaked out this cycle.  I had weird peak type CM with a break in between the day. I think that I ovulated last Thursday (CD 13), but I had Peak type CM on Sunday, so I'm going to do my P+7 bloodwork on Sunday.  I had spotting/light bleeding last Friday that stopped after a day or so, but I had some more when I work up this morning.  I temped this morning and yesterday, so based on past post-peak temps, I'm pretty sure I ovulated sometime.  However I wasn't temping on the days I might have ovulated on, so I'm not completely sure.


If I did ovulate on last Thursday, we had decent timing (P-1 and P).  If it was Sunday, timing not so great (P-3).  However, since my body has gone wacky (and why won't it when the bloodwork starts back up) and I have bleeding, the odds are probably not very good for this cycle anyways.  I'll be starting on the Pain and Brain Supplement today (assuming the UPS site is correct about it being delivered today). 


I told D about the craziness of my body, and low and behold, he's been researching and reading about what to expect after the surgery (he hasn't taken much interest in how everything works in past almost three years).  He said that it'll probably take a couple months to get back to normal and since I hadn't gotten pregnant then we don't know that anything my body was doing was normal (specifically multiple days of lots of peak type CM...I like that).  For those who've had a laparotomy, how long did it take for your cycles to get back to "normal"?   


I've been feeling a bit down recently.  I'm feeling overwhelmed seeing or hearing about pregnancies.  I was sitting in our young adult bible study and I realized out of about 15-17 people, two couples and I are the one ones without kids and there are a couple of pregnant women in the group and one couple had their very young baby in the room instead of the nursery.  I'm going to D's best friend's wife's baby shower on Saturday, and I saw a couple more pregnancy announcements on FB.  


Keep Calm and Carry On and I are going to soon (as soon as we can talk) post some details/tentative plans for the Southern girls get-together.  

Good news and annoying news

The good news: I have 10C/KL, so I'll probably ovulate pretty soon and I'll most likely be pre-peak for my surgery (I still have to get through ovulation next cycle to guarantee it).

The annoying news: My ovaries are have spend the past two days trying to get out of my abdomen (at least that's how it feels).  We also haven't used any days since Monday and I'd be surprised if we used tonight since Friday is his day he hangs out with one of his friends and rarely is home before midnight.  I'm not so much worried for this cycle, but our timing has almost always been not what I'd like (by D's choice).  Best case usually is using 3 days before peak and peak day.  I'd much rather use the day before peak, but every other day for 5 days rarely seems to work out.  I'm worried that we are going to waste all our time after surgery due to crappy timing, and I can't see any way to help the situation.  I'm waiting for D to decide when he's going to do his repeat and more formal SA. I have a feeling it'll be at the last minute just before my surgery.

Another first cousin once removed

My cousin and his wife are having there third child. They have a 2 1/2 year old and a 8 month old. It's great for them, but I'm so jealous. They'll have had 2 kids since we started trying and we can't even have one. They live on the other side of the country, but it's still going to be hard to see online.

The good news on this cycle is no spotting so far and I'm at 9DPO, but I'm not pregnant since we didn't use any of the days of fertility. I'm ready for it to be December and surgery time.

Stressed

My grandmother went into the hospital on Saturday due to heart problems. Her heart was beating a little too fast and then it would stop for 3-6 seconds, which would make her black out, and then it would restart. She's in the ICU, but she seems to be doing ok today and may be released tomorrow or the day after. Please pray that she will continue to do well. D and I were in town and were able to visit her along with a few of my other relatives. We got in late and I'm very tired.

This morning after putting my ring back on from washing my hands, I realized that my diamond had fallen out of my ring and I haven't yet been able to find it. I have it insured but I just want to find my diamond. I'm probably going to have to get the setting completely redone since I have it less than 3 years and it's been loose before.

Yesterday was also CD 1, so I'm handling the stress even worse than usual. It's starting to bug me when I hear about people who have spotting and end up being pregnant because I start thinking that it's a possibility, but it's never true for me.

Having problems waiting

I wish that I didn't have to wait until December for my surgery.  Since the only problem that was found in my b/w was the thyroid issue, I (self-diagnosing of course) think that there's a good chance that endo is what's causing my bleeding.  I don't have horrible cramps, but I do definitely have bad cramps at least one day each cycle.  

I'm also feeling like I'm stuck in the intellectual side of my relationship with God.  I say the Morning and Evening Prayers from the Magnificat everyday, but I have a hard time praying in my own words.  My mind knows about God, but my heart is scared to let go and have faith.  I'm still trying to figure out where my place is my parish is and I haven't met any church friends.  That combined with IF is making me feel lost.

Good Friday, CD 1...Cycle #19

It looks like today is the start of Cycle #19 (although it's hard to know what's really CD 1 with the crazy bleeding that I have start around 3DPO/just after Peak).  I'm getting frustrated again at the lack of progress we seem to be making.  I'll be doing the Symptom Checklist and Temperature Assessment for the T3 study this month.  Even if the T3 is an issue, I'm pretty sure that it's not what's causing my bleeding.  Since nothing else seems to be hormonely wrong with me, there has to be some sort of structural problem causing it, right?  My surgery won't be until December, which is still 8 months away.  If there is a problem, it might not even be fixed then depending on how serious it is.  I hate the fact that we are going to hit the two-year mark without know the cause of the bleeding (which has to be at least part of the the cause of the infertility).  

D and I had a pretty good time in Las Vegas.  It was kind of tiring though and D is not good about calling it a night around the friends we went with.  I was kind of hopeful when the bleeding/spotting stopped for almost a day, but it started right back up again.  D actually managed to win almost $200, so that was cool.  All the food we ate was great.  I think D had a good 27th birthday.

One of the hardest things to do is remember that my suffering is minor compared to Christ's and to many other people's.  The other thing I have to remember is that without the suffering of Good Friday, there's no joyful resurrection on Easter Sunday.  One day I will receive the joyous gift that God has prepared for me, but it may not be the gift that I hope it is.

Frustrations over timing

I'm worried that our timing is going to be as good as I'd like.  D is always tired and not in the mood on workdays.  Hopefully, o day won't be until the weekend and we'll have a chance.  However, D is probably working all weekend again (he worked Saturday and Sunday last week too).  It's very frustrating to get turned down all the time, but I'm trying to surrender it.   I'm trying to be confident that God will bring us together at the right time, but it's really hard since using a day is the one aspect of TTC that I have any control over.  I hate feeling like I'm doing all the work and like I'm forcing D.  It's CD 16 and I'm on day 5 of good 10C/K.  My best guess that o will be between Saturday (CD 18) and Tuesday (CD 21).  The good news is that I've been feeling better for the past couple days.