Friday, July 16, 2010

Very Frustrated (probably TMI)

I've posted about my frustrations with timing before, but it's not getting any better.  I don't see much effort on D's part to try or actively participate when we do use a day (I do all the work a lot of the time).  I started having 10C/KL on Wednesday, our anniversary.  We had used Tuesday night, so nothing happened Wednesday night and I didn't want to push.  Last night, D got home late after hanging out with a friend and was practically asleep when we "used" yesterday. However, I don't know that yesterday even really counts since everything that needed to happen didn't (I'm trying to put this in a way that explains what happened without going into explicit detail).  I doubt anything will happen tonight either.  I cried a lot last night and this morning.

Other things always seem to get in the way of using days and it never seems to be a priority for D.  This has been a problem since before officially IF set in.  He'd rather stay out late with a friend, and Thursday and Friday are always days that he does that.  Saturday he's usually working late and Sunday-Wednesday nights aren't really better due to work.  I don't know what to do.  I try not to get frustrated, but I'm having a really hard timing not being sad and angry.  I've tried talking to D, but I don't think that I'm really getting through to him.  I have felt like giving up on TTC so many times, but when it comes down to it, I just can't stop trying and being the initiator.

I really hope that this cycle won't be a bust based purely on bad timing, but I really don't have much confidence right now.  I guess it's good I'm not on any meds that are solely for TTC, like ovulation inducers, etc., since then it would feel like a waste of money too.

Maybe if I'm lucky we'll have a few more days of "fertility" and we'll actually use a day.  We'll see.


  1. I am so sorry for your pain and struggling. I know from experience that our husbands get overwhelmed by all of this in completely different ways than we do. They, being men, don't deal with it the way we would or they way we want them too at all times. I totally understand feeling as if the TTC is all on you. You are not alone. Sometimes when I get so emotional about something, I write down my feelings and give them to my husband. Not that I can't communicate, but I can't communicate without crying sometimes and getting too emotional. Then it gives him something more to process. Just some advice that has worked for me. Hugs and I will lift up prayers for you today.

  2. So sorry you're still struggling with timing problems. Husbands are confusing sometimes, and it's so hard to tell what they are thinking if they won't talk to you about it :(.

  3. This is not TMI, it is sharing the pain of yet another hidden dimension of the daggers of IF. Praying for you!

  4. Oh honey, we are more alike then you know! I have some of the same issues just a tad different....

    I know for us, each time we have conceived it was always two days before peak and we only did it on one good mucus day both times. You can forget anything going down after around or before peak day. 4 1/2 years we were burned out. :)

  5. I feel for you. We had that problem too. It sometimes felt like pulling teeth to get DH involved. It took awhile for him to understand that timing couldn't wait. Even then, he'd be tapping away on the computer or doing something that would bring him back to bed too late to do anything. It wasn't as much of a priority for him as it was for me. And more often than either of us cares to remember, we had days we used by couldn't count either, probably for the same reason. It was frustrating.

    If it's any help, I didn't feel our timing on our successful cycle was great. We hit the day before peak and the day after. We tried to hit peak, but a certain something that needed to happen, didn't.

  6. I agree with all the ladies, it does get overwhelming!!! So sorry you are feeling so sad. I wish I had the words you needed to here, but I really think we have all been there . . . when things just did not happen that needs to happen and when the energy is just not there to try at that particular time!!

    On a funny note about what Sew wrote . . . we would use days before peak and when peak would come around we were drained. You are not alone in this!!

  7. You are not alone...and now I feel that I am not alone either. I appreciate your post, and can relate to your sadness within. I think men believe that they only need "one shot" to get the job done...but not with this girl! Talking to my hubbie (usually crying the morning after a non-used peak day) seems to motivate him the next month, but the pressure to perform becomes overwhelming and we go right back to frustrated nights. If only we knew the magic words for our men!

    Thank you for your post. As difficult as it is, I found comfort in it. I will pray for you and your husband. God Bless.

  8. We rarely do anything after peak too...we have issues with timing as well...our lives get busy and we get tired. Esp my dh...he works so much and gets so involved in other things. We try our best every month (it was really tough when I did the ovulation drugs...we were so not in the mood but since we were spending so much money...we had to make it work).

    I know it's frustrating. Praying for you!

  9. I think that's one of the most frustating parts of this process. I've found that with my DH, if I spring the timing on him when he is already tired or has a million things to do, he gets upset, because he feels like he is already failing by being too busy. It tends to work much better if I forewarn him (at the beginning of the day for that evening, or the day before for that evening), so he already has it in mind as something he'll be doing. That sounds so over-scheduled, now that I write it out that way, but it does avoid fights. Of course, this kind of prediction can be very difficult, so that doesn't always work. I find it also works if I market the idea as an other-than-ttc proposition and sell him on that (I'm being a little less than explicit here, too, but I think you know what I mean). And in many cases mornings are easier to sell than evenings. I've certainly noticed that if I ramp up the pressure - "we blew an opportunity for the whole month" or "you're not doing your job" - then there's a greater likelihood of activities not, ah, going as intended. Which is really frustrating, because that's just when you want to yell about everything.

    Last thought - if this is a general lack of interest on his part in using ANY days EVER, regardless of TTC issues, then you may have a problem unrelated to TTC that you need to discuss, which probably would have to be addressed before the TTC/timing issue. (I hope that's not the case, and I'm not trying to be alarmist.)

  10. ugh. we can all relate. i recall crying b/c i was torn btw pushing dh and not using a day. seems whatever i did was wrong. if i held it in, it usually came out in resentment in a bigger way later and he felt bad or got mad. it isn't quite how it is meant to be is it? :( i used to wish my dh would get more involved with my charts, like some hubbies i know put the sticker on, etc and i thought that was a great warning that didn't have to come from the wife. i guess the things I did that helped were early warning (like misfit said, in the morning etc) and overall just making sure that I was interested other times of the month too, and that I maybe dressed nice for him or planned a date around it so it wasn't like i i was hell bent on this for one reason only etc. it def gets hard, month after month, and it is true some months you just have to let it go and consider that putting it in the bank toward another month. i also agree with sew, some months it was not expected and we got a positive so you never know. i hope you have more days!