Frustration

I feel terrible saying this when I have already received the blessing of one wonderful, smart (although very intense) daughter, and others are still waiting for even one.  I'm jealous of pregnant women.  A friend of mine recently announced her pregnancy with their 3rd child.  My body does not seem to be cooperating this cycle and I'm on day 24 or so and haven't ovulated yet, and the scheduled marital act is getting old, although we did have a talk about it last night after some frustration on both sides.  I'm not really yet secondary infertility and I am still breastfeeding relatively frequently.  We are on the 21 day antibiotic this cycle, so I have 3 weeks of nausea without the benefit of even being pregnant yet (I had it with the cyclical before conceiving K as well).  Well, I'd better get to bed since I'm done working for the night and K will be up in about 6 hours or so.  I need to balance out by posting about K soon.

I have had it pointed out to me lately that I am quite controlling, so I am trying to work on that.  Any suggestion would be helpful.  Because I'm controlling, I also feel like any problems in my life (or that of our family) are related directly to my failings, such as when K has napping issues.

K woke up after napping only about 40 minutes or so and she definitely needs nap at least an hour.  I know she is still tired, but she is in her crib screaming bloody murder, and going in does not calm her down.  Yesterday she finally ended up going back to sleep for another 1.5 hours.  I just don't know what is best for her sometimes.

Is there anything that I can do to encourage someone to exercise and eat better other than offering to exercise with them that wouldn't be rude or controlling?

How do you do with times were there are household projects that need to get done but aren't (if you aren't the one who needs to do them) without nagging and being pushy and annoying.

K is starting to have more frustrated tantrum times.  I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm sure that I' m still waiting for ovulation, and I'm on CD 21.   I'm pretty sure this will go on for a while since K is still breastfeeding quite a bit.

More on Frustration, Timing (plus a turtle as a bonus)

In response to everyone's very helpful comments on my previous post about my timing frustrations:

It's not a no interest ever issue, so I don't think it's a more serious issue unrelated to TTC or him just being tired.

Sometimes what happens is that he'll "submit" to my wanting to use a day of fertility, but some of those times it feels like I'm doing all the "work" and he's just lying there.  This isn't happening all the time, even on days of fertility, it's just that it happens often enough to cause frustration.  It's not very unitive when it seems like the other person is half asleep.  Last night, we didn't really have either purpose fulfilled.

I wish that forewarning helped, but it doesn't seem to make it any more of a priority or take the pressure off of me. I do try to dress nicely on those days and make it more than just wanting one thing and trying to entice him in other ways.  Mornings aren't really an option since he's not at all a morning person and has to be at work at 7am anyways.  A lot of it does have to do with him being tired from working 6 days a week most weeks, but I just wish that it was a bit more of a priority for him.

It's hard for me to be "available" during other times of the month with the amount of bleeding/spotting that I've been having to deal with.  Trying to use any days I'm bleeding tends not to end well because it quickly becomes uncomfortable for one or both of us.

I'm hoping that we'll use at least one more day.  Right now, we've only really used what is at best P-3.  There's a good chance I'll ovulate in the next day or two, which is pretty good for me since today is only CD 15.

Thanks for listening to my venting.  Obviously, this is the kind of thing that it's less than helpful to vent to D about (venting as opposed to discussing...obviously discussing the issue with D is good).  Like Misfit said, yelling/crying/whatever only makes it worse, which is frustrating since that's when you most want to yell/cry/whatever.  I will try to write down my feelings next time and give him a note since getting upset just makes him shut down more, thanks to Awaiting for the suggestion.  IF is hard enough without having to worry about and stress over what is supposed to be the fun and pleasurable part.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who is dealing with this (although I wish no one had to).

Here's one of my turtle figurines to make this post happier:

Jenny from All Things sent me a turtle figurine as my Lent Prayer Buddy gift and I'll post that next time.  Thanks, Jenny!
 

Very Frustrated (probably TMI)

I've posted about my frustrations with timing before, but it's not getting any better.  I don't see much effort on D's part to try or actively participate when we do use a day (I do all the work a lot of the time).  I started having 10C/KL on Wednesday, our anniversary.  We had used Tuesday night, so nothing happened Wednesday night and I didn't want to push.  Last night, D got home late after hanging out with a friend and was practically asleep when we "used" yesterday. However, I don't know that yesterday even really counts since everything that needed to happen didn't (I'm trying to put this in a way that explains what happened without going into explicit detail).  I doubt anything will happen tonight either.  I cried a lot last night and this morning.

Other things always seem to get in the way of using days and it never seems to be a priority for D.  This has been a problem since before officially IF set in.  He'd rather stay out late with a friend, and Thursday and Friday are always days that he does that.  Saturday he's usually working late and Sunday-Wednesday nights aren't really better due to work.  I don't know what to do.  I try not to get frustrated, but I'm having a really hard timing not being sad and angry.  I've tried talking to D, but I don't think that I'm really getting through to him.  I have felt like giving up on TTC so many times, but when it comes down to it, I just can't stop trying and being the initiator.

I really hope that this cycle won't be a bust based purely on bad timing, but I really don't have much confidence right now.  I guess it's good I'm not on any meds that are solely for TTC, like ovulation inducers, etc., since then it would feel like a waste of money too.

Maybe if I'm lucky we'll have a few more days of "fertility" and we'll actually use a day.  We'll see.

Improvement (and some other random stuff)

I've had a better start to this cycle compared to previous ones.  I didn't really have cramps, just some back pain.  I stopped bleeding on after CD7, which is a huge, let me say it again HUGE improvement since I've been going to CD 10+ most cycles.  I don't know if the antibiotics had anything to do with it, but if they are the reason I'm not still bleeding (and I'll be even more impressed if I don't have post-ovulation bleeding) then I can deal with a funky stomach and metallic taste for another 6 months.

I told D that I was done bleeding and he laughed at how happy/proud I was, but he doesn't have to wear feminine hygiene products for 2/3 of the month (ex. last cycle with 20 days of bleeding out of a 30 day cycle).  If I manage to make it to P+14 or 15 (which is of course a long way off), I may actually get my hopes somewhat up.  However, even if we don't actually conceive, I will be thrilled just to not be bleeding all the time.

Prayer buddy (and all the rest of you wonderful ladies), please pray that the bleeding will continue to stay away.  Also, please pray for my first cousin once removed, she has Stage 3 breast cancer.  My grandma is really worried about whether she'll lose her sister (my great aunt) if her (my great aunt) daughter loses her cancer battle.  We went to visit my grandparents today since we were in town (they live about 6 hours away so we always try to visit when we come even for other things), and she started crying when she was talking about it. 

Thursday and Friday, D and I went with a friend and his kids (plus his nephew) to a great waterpark in Central Texas (I bet any Texan would know where I'm talking about).  We had a great time, but it was hard to see D with our friend's almost three year old since I haven't been able to give that to him.  The good news is that D and I could definitely handle taking a 3 year old to a waterpark, just the two of us.  I got slightly sunburned and so did D (even after putting on sunscreen), but it's not too bad.

My mom is in from overseas and is at our house for the next week.  Last time she was in was for my surgery, and I spent most of the time sleeping or feeling nauseated.

The baby, a little boy, that I'm going to nanny for was born earlier this week.  I'll probably start working in about a week since the dad will be out of town for flight stuff and her mom won't be able to come to town.

Sometimes I worry it'll just be timing

I finally started having peak type CM yesterday (CD 15).  We having used any days yet this cycle, and we'll have to see if D is will to make the effort in the next few days.  He's doing his normal Thursday night out with his friend, then tomorrow we'll be driving to Houston for Father's day, and Saturday we'll be staying at his parents's house.  My expectations are not very high based on past experience.

I do worry that if I don't ever get pregnant, it'll be partly a timing issue that D wasn't willing to take the time to use a day despite my encouragement.  It seemed like things were improving in that area, but I'm concerned that it's going back to me almost having to beg and cajole D into using a day.  I don't want to be the initiator; I want D to show more desire and put in more effort.  I'm not sure what to do that won't just make it worse.  Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

This part is annoying

I'm hopefully finally done bleeding/spotting; today is CD 13. I had medium flow on CD 10 while my brother and I were at D's best friend's house visiting their brand new baby (it was a lovely reminder that my body doesn't work properly).  I'm so tired of bleeding for three weeks straight and having a 7-10+ day period.  It also interferes with intercourse since I'm bleeding for so long.   We use a couple days in the middle of the my cycle near ovulation and then it's another couple weeks before we do it again.  I'm ready for so good peak type mucus.  I need to start on my mucinex.  I forgot about it due to the bleeding, when I figured there was no point.

My trip to Austin went well.  I was pretty tired but I got to see my two of my brothers (BP and DF), my grandparents, and D's best friend, his wife and their new baby.  I also got to hold the baby for a while.  Since I was traveling, I haven't been following the Endo diet very well, so I need to get back on track with that.  I feel like I haven't spend much time with D lately, between the fact that he works most Saturdays, the couple evenings that I've worked, and the time he spends out with friends.

I don't know if I mentioned that my brother DF is finally engaged to his girlfriend of 9 1/2 years.  They are planning on a destination wedding in Hawaii next summer.  I'm sure it'll be fun but it means my grandparents cannot go to the wedding, plus it'll be expensive for D and I (although my parents have offered to help).  The other thing is that I might not even be able to go if I actually manage to get pregnant in the next five months or so.

The rest of the summer is pretty busy during the weekends.  We have 2 more weekends between now and the IF weekend August that we aren't traveling and don't have people visiting.  Next weekend, my dad will in Houston from Qatar on a business trip that happily just happens to fall over Father's Day weekend.  That means that we'll get to see both our dads for Father's Day.

I feel like this post is all over the place (even more than usual) and I apologize.  I also need to sit down and write up my faith story soon.

Need some job prayers again

I need to find a new job.  The family I was nannying for was offered free child care and financially had to decide to go with that.  I'm working through May 26.  I need lots of prayers to find something very soon.

My u/s results didn't get fax from my local ob/gyn until yesterday (Friday) at about 4:45, so I haven't heard from Dr. H yet.  I did have some wonderful 10KL last night, but we haven't had used any days of fertility yet. Hopefully we can find some time today.  Maybe it's just a mature follicle not a cyst.

Bleeding updates

The bleeding/spotting may have stopped.  I'm saying may since I thought it was stopping a couple days ago.  I talked to PPVI and Dr. H wants me to have an ultrasound done to see what my lining looks like, check for cysts etc.  I've got an appointment at 3 pm with my local ob/gyn and they are supposed to fax the results to PPVI.  I'll post after the appointment, although I probably won't hear from PPVI until Friday or Monday.

Ridiculous *Updated

Update: I just called PPVI and I'm waiting for a call back.  I'll post when they've called me.

I have been bleeding for 19 straight days (and I had two days of bleeding four days before that started).  This is ridiculous and I'm going to be so angry if this happens on any more cycles.  Yesterday it seemed like the bleeding was tapering off, but it got slightly heavier again (still light to medium).  I don't know if it would be worthwhile to call PPVI since I don't know that they can actually do anything to make the bleeding stop.  Since April 1, I've had only 10 days where I wasn't bleeding.  The most frustrating thing about the bleeding for me is that my progesterone (for my luteal phase) is high.  I'm not sure how long I can deal with this; the bleeding better stop in the next 24 hours.  I'm ready to be "fertile" (as inaccurate as that description has been in the last nearly three years).  I'm guessing this cycle will be back toward the longer side since I'm already on CD12 and still bleeding.

TCIE, does last cycle with the crazy bleeding even count as an effective cycle?  Or am I still stuck in "fake" trying?

Is it normal to feel so discouraged after the laparotomy?  I feel less hopeful and more down than I did before.

Cycle Update

I'm on CD 13 today, and I had 10C/KL starting yesterday.  We used yesterday and hopefully we can use tomorrow.  It looks like I should ovulate soon, so that's good.  I was a bit concerned about my mucus last cycle, but it's already better so it was probably just from ovulating soon after surgery and still not being able to eat well at that point.

I put in my call to PPVI for my 6 week post surgery follow-up, since I'm off today and I'll be dealing with all three kids that I nanny tomorrow and Monday (the twins go to Mother's Day Out Tuesday and Wednesday). The nurse called and check that everything was going ok healing-wise, but she still need to talk to Dr. Hilgers, who was unavailable for most of the day. I'll post when I've hear back from them, which will hopefully be tomorrow.

I found out yesterday that another cousin is pregnant with her third child.  She sent me a message on Facebook, and after an hour or so to process it, I called to congratulate her.  She knows about the surgery (pretty much everyone who knows us does), and that we've been trying for a while so she was very considerate about it.  Hopefully she will have an easier time with this pregnancy, she ended up in the hospital during both of her previous pregnancies due to extreme morning sickness.

Next weekend is my husband's best friend's wife's baby shower.  I'm looking forward to seeing people that I don't get to see often, but I'm not looking forward to the talk about babies for hours straight.  I'm really hoping to not get peppered with question about when we are going to have kids, since they all know we've been married 3 years now.  I'll be only P+7 to 9 at best, so there's no chance of a miracle BFP before the shower.

If you are interested in the Southern girls meetup (most likely taking place in Northern Louisiana, possibly at my house...but you don't have to be from the South to come), let Keep Calm and Carry On, Ann, or me know.  We'll probably try to work on picking out a date soon, and suggestions are welcome.

Tummy Troubles

The main problem that I've had in healing from my surgery is stomach issues.  I had some serious constipation on Friday (4 days out from surgery), and my stomach has continued to have difficulties (mainly nausea) since then.  The nausea was still around a bit as of yesterday, so I've had a really hard time eating much since the surgery.  I've lost 10 pounds in the 10 days since the surgery and I really need to gain it back.  I'm hoping that the nausea issues are finally done so that I can get back to the Endo Diet since you've got to pretty much eat whatever you think you can handle when you are nauseated.

I haven't really had issues with the actual incision or much pain.  I stopped taking the Dar.voc.et on Friday since it can slow your digestive system.  I took ibuprofen and tylenol for a couple days, but I haven't even take those in 3-4 days.  The only time that I really have pain is when I laugh or cough.  I did have a rash near my incision, but I'm not sure if it was an adhesive allergy or if I had an weird immune reaction to the surgery.  I do tend to get a rash on my hips whenever I get sick, and no doctor that I've talk to has any idea what could be going on.

I had my follow-up with Dr. H on Monday afternoon.  He was really happy about how my incision is healing and with how the surgery went.  He says our odds of getting pregnant are up to about 75%.  I have to call PPVI on this coming Monday and then in another 4 weeks.  The 6 week post surgery call, on Monday, April 12, is when Dr. H will let us know exactly what we are doing moving forward.  He did say that he'll be order some bloodwork, but I don't know how extensive it'll be yet.  He'll also have me start on the Pain & Brain supplement, which is supposed to help with inflammation.  Since my hormone levels were good (and will be tested again), his main concern now that the endo is out is the signs of inflammation that he saw inside my uterus.  The hydrocort is supposed to help with that too.  Dr. H also briefly mentioned the Endo Diet, but said that he hadn't had time to really research it yet.  

The pathology report from the surgery confirmed that the 8 spots removed were endo, plus I had a benign growth on one of my ovaries removed as well as the cyst on one of my tubes removed that had be weighing it down.

I haven't really had any peak-type mucus yet even though I'm on CD 16, which isn't very surprising since my body has been under a lot of physical stress in the last 10 days.   

302nd post ***Updated***

Update: I really should know better than to talk about my body improving.  It then immediately does exactly what I said it wasn't.  I have some light bleeding.  My body is crazy.

managed to miss noting my 300th post, so I thought I'd mention it now.

I had a seven day period, so that was very exciting.  It may still sound long, but I usually have 10 to 12 days or more of bleeding, so seven day is a huge improvement.  I'm on day 11, but I'm not having any peak type mucus yet, so I still probably have a little while before I ovulate (just as long as it's by Feb. 21 so we don't have to not use days of fertility this cycle).

I'm working my way into doing the Endo Diet (no dairy, no wheat/gluten-free as much as possible, no red meat, no soy, no eggs, no caffeine, no sugar).  Fertile Thoughts has been a big help on figuring resource and recipes.  I'm slowly trying to switch over and start planning for dinners.  I'll be adding Endo Diet recipes to my recipe blog and I'll also go back and tag the endo diet friendly recipes.  I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to do it while we are in Omaha for my laparatomy, since I'll be in the hospital for 2-3 days.  We'll be staying at R.eside.nce Inn, so we'll have a kitchen; I just need to come up with a plan on what to get for while we are at the hotel.  I also need to cook a few things for the first week we are home or come up with stuff for my mom to make while she's here.  If anyone has any suggestions on meal ideas that fit the Endo Diet and are easy to make or can be frozen for later, I'd really appreciate it.  Surgery is in just over 3 weeks.

Another family member is pregnant.  However, this time it's my aunt (which is weird to say since she's 27, 2 years younger than me), my mom's youngest brother's (who's is 43) wife, and she's due in August. so I'll be have a cousin who is almost 30 years younger than me and will be closer in age to my kids (hopefully) than even my youngest cousin who is 13 (17 years younger than me).  I'm very happy for them especially since my uncle is in his 40s, plus my aunt had a miscarriage previously.  My grandparents will have a new grandchild when they are 83 years old.

It's snow here in NW Louisiana, and has been for the past 2 1/2 hours.  We are supposed to get about 4-6 inches of snow (it probably won't stick much though) in the next 24 hours.  It's nothing compared to what you East Coasters have dealt with in the past couple weeks, but it's a lot of snow for here and this is about the 4th time it has snow this winter, and we usually get one time with about 1/2 inch of snow at most.

A lovely meeting

Today I finally got to meet the lovely Life in Mazes (her blog is private).  We meet at a bookstore halfway in between our towns for tea and then had lunch.  It was so great to finally meet a blogger in person, and like anyone else who has finally met a follow blogger IRL, it's like spending time with an old friend.  It's so awesome to be able to talk about all the IF stuff that no one else understands or wants to hear about.  Even though we both brought our cameras, we didn't manage to get a picture.

In cycle news, I'm on CD6 and am exciting that at least as of now, I haven't had any brown bleeding.  I'm very excited and I hope this continues to be the case.  I didn't have any premenstrual spotting/bleeding in the two cycles since my surgery.  I think that some combination of the D&C done as part of my surgery and the antifungal, antibiotic, and cortisol are helping keep whatever caused it away.

   My surgery is in about 4 weeks, and I'm definitely ready to get it done.  I haven't had any luck finding a place were D can get the SA done without have to take off work (which he can't do since his vacation days are going toward traveling to Omaha), so it may be awhile before we can get a formal SA done (we had an informal one done by the urologist I nanny for and there were no obvious abnormalities).  Maybe we'll get luck and won't need to do.  One can hope.  

Good news and annoying news

The good news: I have 10C/KL, so I'll probably ovulate pretty soon and I'll most likely be pre-peak for my surgery (I still have to get through ovulation next cycle to guarantee it).

The annoying news: My ovaries are have spend the past two days trying to get out of my abdomen (at least that's how it feels).  We also haven't used any days since Monday and I'd be surprised if we used tonight since Friday is his day he hangs out with one of his friends and rarely is home before midnight.  I'm not so much worried for this cycle, but our timing has almost always been not what I'd like (by D's choice).  Best case usually is using 3 days before peak and peak day.  I'd much rather use the day before peak, but every other day for 5 days rarely seems to work out.  I'm worried that we are going to waste all our time after surgery due to crappy timing, and I can't see any way to help the situation.  I'm waiting for D to decide when he's going to do his repeat and more formal SA. I have a feeling it'll be at the last minute just before my surgery.

Cortisol, etc.

I got my results from the cortisol draw (11.4 at 9am), and Dr. H wants me to do the low-dose cortisone since it was on the low side of normal and due to the my answers to the adrenal questionnaire.  I got the letter late today, so I'll be talking to the PPVI nurses tomorrow.  D and I also have been on the 21-day antibiotic regimen again.  The worst part is the horrible taste in my mouth that develops after I take the pill.

To Misfit, I don't think that any sort of hormonal intervention would work at this point in my cycle, plus I don't want to use up any time on hormonal support before my surgery when it's less likely to result in a pregnancy (assuming of course that once I'm cleaned out I'll actually be able to get pregnant).  It is my first full cycle after my lap so maybe that's why ovulation is delayed.  I wouldn't have thought that it would be holiday stress since the cycle didn't even start until after Christmas.   I guess I should assume that next cycle will be a break cycle unless I ovulate this week sometime or have late ovulation that cycle and don't ovulate until after the surgery.  I would be nice to be pre-peak and close to ovulation at the time of my surgery so I could do the u/s series.  I'd like to get the series done but if it doesn't happen this time, it won't happen in Omaha.  I wish I could get it done locally.

I'm feeling a bit down right now.  My grandma feel again and broke a rib.  She has problems with nerve transmission and it's really easy for her to fall down due to that.  I'm tired of waiting for my surgery since I was hoping everything would be fixed last month.  It's been 18 months since I found out about Creighton charting and over a year since I received my letter from Dr. H saying that I'd need to have the surgery done and that he suspected endometriosis.  

CD 15 waiting

I'm on CD 15 and I'm not having any peak type mucus yet, just 8C.  I'm hoping this cycle isn't super long and doesn't put us in post-peak time for surgery.  I don't get why my body would do a lovely CD 15 ovulation a week after surgery, but can't even manage to start gearing up by then the cycle after.

Article on Chastity and Waiting

Life in Mazes shared this article with me, and I thought I'd pass it along.

I'm still doing ok after my surgery. I'm feeling pretty good except I have a rash by my incision (don't worry...I already checked with Dr. H's office and they said to just use hydrocortizone ointment on it). I went back to work yesterday. I'm trying to minimize how much I carry W, the 2 year old I take care of. I think I overdid it a bit yesterday; I got pretty tired. I think the spotting finally stopped yesterday (the good news it was red and not brown!). I've had 10YL for the last couple days, but we haven't used any days yet, maybe tonight.

I've been talking to my mom to make plans for her to come for my next surgery.

Concert

I'm on CD 18, waiting to o with 10KL.  Although D has said we will TTC this cycle, we haven't used any days yet.   I'm fine either way since my surgery is in 23 days.

This Saturday I went with my choir friends to the Mich.ael W. S.mith, Mat.t Ma.her (who was the main reason we went even though he wasn't the headliner), Ph.il St.acy, and Mer.edith Andrews concert.  It was lots of fun and M.att Ma.her was definitely the best part, although I'd have preferred to see a concert were he was the headliner and not at a Protestant church.

Another weird pain: Updated

For the past two days, I've been having a weird back and abdominal pain after I eat.  It lasts for a few hours, but it goes away so I don't think it's anything like appendicitis or food poisioning or anything like that.  I haven't eaten anything new, so I don't know what's going on.

I'm on CD 13 and I'm still waiting to see any sort of CM.  28 days until surgery.

Update:  It's worst after breakfast.  It's not as bad after lunch, and I don't remember it after dinner.  Since JB asked this is what I ate:
Yesterday & Today breakfast- Smoothie- Homemade with Spinach, Yogurt, Berries, Avocado & Flax Oil (it's what I have every morning) &Cereal- Food for Life Ezekiel 4:9 Almond
Yesterday & Today Lunch- Multigrain Pita Pocket with Hummus, Tomato (yesterday I had spinach and today I had brocolli and bean)
Yesterday Dinner- Swordfish in Herbed Butter Sauce & Ben & Jerry Peach Cobbler Ice Cream