Negative test, still waiting

I had a negative test this morning at P+14, but I'm still waiting for CD1 to show.  I tend to only go to P+13, so I had some hope that I might actually get a positive test.  After a long cycle (didn't ovulate until CD 25), I'm still waiting and I'm frustrated.  I don't want to deal with another cycle of TTC right now.  I'm tired and our schedules are not meshing well on that front.  If I do have to deal with another cycle, I just want to hurry up and get it started and do my cycle review and everything.

The last couple days we have been able to go to where K only nurses when she wakes up, at naptime, when she wakes from nap, at bedtime and then once in the morning between 4 and 6.  This is a vast improvement since she still sometimes nurse an hour apart even a month ago.  I do have to tell her no when she asks to nurse outside of those times (she signs milk please), but she seems to handle it pretty well until just before sleeping.  I have no problem continuing to nurse for at least 3 more months, especially if I can manage to get pregnant.

K had been doing really well with having BMs on the toilet, but she has started going in her diaper again the last couple days.  Yes, she is only 17 months, but it's frustrating when she had been having maybe 1 a week in her diaper for months and now she's gone 5 times in 3 days and isn't telling me.

Very Frustrated (probably TMI)

I've posted about my frustrations with timing before, but it's not getting any better.  I don't see much effort on D's part to try or actively participate when we do use a day (I do all the work a lot of the time).  I started having 10C/KL on Wednesday, our anniversary.  We had used Tuesday night, so nothing happened Wednesday night and I didn't want to push.  Last night, D got home late after hanging out with a friend and was practically asleep when we "used" yesterday. However, I don't know that yesterday even really counts since everything that needed to happen didn't (I'm trying to put this in a way that explains what happened without going into explicit detail).  I doubt anything will happen tonight either.  I cried a lot last night and this morning.

Other things always seem to get in the way of using days and it never seems to be a priority for D.  This has been a problem since before officially IF set in.  He'd rather stay out late with a friend, and Thursday and Friday are always days that he does that.  Saturday he's usually working late and Sunday-Wednesday nights aren't really better due to work.  I don't know what to do.  I try not to get frustrated, but I'm having a really hard timing not being sad and angry.  I've tried talking to D, but I don't think that I'm really getting through to him.  I have felt like giving up on TTC so many times, but when it comes down to it, I just can't stop trying and being the initiator.

I really hope that this cycle won't be a bust based purely on bad timing, but I really don't have much confidence right now.  I guess it's good I'm not on any meds that are solely for TTC, like ovulation inducers, etc., since then it would feel like a waste of money too.

Maybe if I'm lucky we'll have a few more days of "fertility" and we'll actually use a day.  We'll see.

Good news and bad news

I talked to the billing lady at PPVI and got the cost for the various procedures.  Dr. Hilgers and the hospital are in network, so we only have 20% to pay.  I don't know the hospital cost, but I'm guessing a minimum total cost with all procedures/labs it will be at least $17,000.  That means we have at least $4,000 to pay out of pocket.   However, I'm not sure if we are going to be able to ever afford to actually do anything, since we aren't going to go into debt again to do it.  D has basketball tonight, and of course he wouldn't give me a time frame other than 10 years (which I think is a joke...maybe).  If he wasn't joking, then we are totally screwed.  I'm actually thinking that it's going to be around fall 2011 (around my 31st birthday) based on looking at our finances.  That means that I can't replace my computer which is continuously saying that the hard drive is full is, runs pretty slowly, and the case is physically broken.  I don't know if we are ever going to be able to afford adoption either if we can't have biological children.

I am 8 DPO/Peak+7 and I've had some spotting/bleeding so there's a 99% chance that I'm already out for this cycle.  I might be able to do the hormone series, which is supposedly covered under my insurance at 100%, the next cycle or the one after but I'll believe it when I see it.  There's a good chance that I have almost 3 more years of this crap to deal with.  I think I need to get a weekend job.  The problem is finding one where I could work 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday, plus be able to go to church.  I'm really in a freak out mode right now.  I need to pray about this when I do my evening prayer tonight.

D is talking to me again since Sunday.

Ike

We were planning on going to visit our parents in Houston this weekend since we haven't been back in a while (June). It's also my dad's birthday on Saturday. However, it looks like Hurricane Ike is going to hit near Houston, so we won't go unless the track changes significantly soon. Our parents both live in the same town, about 70 miles from the coast, so it's not going to be pleasant if Ike hits but they don't have to evacuate either. I'll probably end up going in two weeks instead, and hopefully D will come too.

Well, in other news, it looks like I either o'd on Monday or Tuesday, so I'm probably 2/3 DPO. We did have sex last night, but our timing doesn't look good either way.

Disappointed

I just found out that D will be out of town for our first anniversary next Monday. This will like the 5th week in a row that he's been traveling. He will probably be out of town the following week too. He's been covering for a person who left the company and now he's training the replacement and covering for them when they go down to the corporate office (which is here). He is around on the weekends (well Saturday and part of Sunday), but I'm ready for him to be around during the week.

I think that I'll end up needing to wait on my next round of Clomid, since I don't know for sure that he's actually going to be around at the appropriate time. The good news is that without Clomid, I should hopefully o the week of my SIL's wedding, so we should have a chance at good timing.

I didn't make it to the u/s appointment for today, so I'll be going tomorrow at 10:15.

7 DPO and the likely end of cycle #9

This morning I woke up to relatively heavy full red flow at 7DPO (or 10 DPO based on OPKs). I had to get up early this morning, of course which makes it worse. 5 am is not when you want to see blood almost a week early. Either way my LP was way too short, even compared to my usual 11 day LP unmedicated. Even if the flow somehow stops (it has slowed down since the morning) and doesn’t return for a week, it’s highly unlikely that I could be pregnant.

I’m so frustrated and disappointed. We are almost at 11 months TTC. Only 2 more cycles and it will be officially infertility. I don’t know what to do since we can’t afford to move on to an RE yet. I’m just stuck here hoping against hope that my body can actually do this, which is seeming less likely every cycle. I’m really hoping that the rest of today doesn’t turn out as crappy as this morning has.

There was thunder and lightning most of last night so I didn’t sleep well. It rained earlier and now it’s just grey and overcast. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep, but I got off work too late to take a nap.

In a funk

I have been in a funk since the BFN a week ago Friday and I just can't seem to get out of it. The fact we aren't going to be moving forward any time soon on going to the RE and getting some medical assistance doesn't help. Plus, I've been sleeping a lot due to the poison ivy. The good news is that I'm not allergic to Vitex or EPO but poison ivy is no fun. I have no confidence right now that I can get pregnant without medical intervention.

D probably has to go out of town next week, and we'll see if the vitex changes my cycle at all. Right now the best time for me to o if D is out of town would be between Sat May 31 (CD 18) and Tues June 3 (CD 21). It wouldn't be great, but at least we'd have a chance. If he's out of town, there's no point in me o'ing before CD 18. I would love to regularly o before CD 21, but this isn't the cycle to start.

D's parents are coming up this weekend. His mom hasn't seen our house yet and his dad hasn't seen it painted yet. We have a busy weekend to get ready, especially dealing with the backyard after the flooding last week. It didn't get in the house, but we did have a couple inches in the garage and it made a mess of the backyard.

Feeling disappointed

The sadness of this cycle has been somewhat drawn out since I've been feeling sad since Friday. I feel like we only really got one good shot and now I have to wait for 6 months or more (basically at the end of the year or beginning of next year) before D will do any testing, and we are only 2 months short of a year TTC at this point. I know that it's possible that I could get pregnant before we have to go see an RE, but I feel like there is something wrong. Hopefully the Vitex, EPO, and B6 will help regulate and shorten (or at least balance my cycle), and D's swimmers will be helped (although I don't know that there's anything wrong with them since he hasn't had an SA) by his vitamins.

I should hopefully be getting FP tomorrow, if the pattern from last time is followed. I just want to get it over with and get to o time again.

The beta was negative

The beta was negative. That means that my last progesterone was last night and I hopefully will be getting FP by Saturday. I'm glad to be done with the progesterone, it's making me nauseated, tired, and bloated. They are calling in my rx's and I'll probably have an ultrasound Monday. This was not unexpected but it's still makes me sad. I had a little sliver of hope that I was feeling crappy because I was pregnant and that the HPTs were wrong.

Now I really am just waiting for cycle 8, and hoping for a January baby or at least a 2009 baby. I'm looking forward to FP getting here so we can start fresh. Hopefully, 100 mg of Clomid will give me an earlier o and maybe that will make it more likely that I can get pregnant. I feel like this is our last chance since it's the last medicated cycle. I'll need to get my 7DPO b/w done I think during a non-medicated cycle, so that I can see if I need the supplements to have any chance of pregnancy.