Feeling left behind

I used spend a lot of time on the Nest TTC message boards, but I don't go on much lately.  I do lurk every one in a while to check and see if there are any new pregnancies.  There have been a lot of pregnancies there and in the blogs that I read, and some women have gone through their entire pregnancy since I start reading their blogs.  I'm really happy for them that they have finally been blessed with motherhood, especially since they are IF.  The problem is that I feel left behind.  I just keep seeing their tickers go up week by week, and I feel no closer to acheive a pregnancy.  It doesn't help when I have my period and my hormones are wacky and I just feel sad and want to cry.

I'll be sending my letter to Dr. Hilgers tomorrow afternoon, hopefully, if I can get my records from my dr's office.  I'm probably going to have to bring the little boy I nanny for with me (and hopefully his big brother to walk around with him) while I get the records.  I really need to get the letter sent so that I can feel like I'm making some progress.

Right now, I don't feel like any of the cycles have a chance of working.  We are still going to try of course, but the confidence isn't there. I need some answers from Dr. Hilgers on the kinds of testing and treatments that we might be looking at, and getting that done before I'll have any real hope that I can get pregnant.  I feel like it's going to be at least 6 months if not a year from now before we have a chance of this working.  It's almost been 18 months since we started trying, and I'm thinking it's going to be at least 2 years from when we started trying before we might have some success.

I'm only having light flow today, which is strange for me for CD 4.  I also seemed to be having some 10KL.  My body is obviously very confused.

D and I were looking at my chart, and he wants to try to start having sex earlier, like CD 12 and do it every other day.   He's worried that we are missing it and that my temp spike doesn't happen until a couple of days after I o.  I'm all for more sex; D has generally been the one who's too stressed and tired.  I know that this is a strange request, but please pray that D will follow through with this.  

D left for another business trip this afternoon.  He wasn't feeling well before he left, but luckily he was feeling better when I called to check on him.  I'm ready for Wednesday, since D and I will be meeting up then at his parents' house and then we'll be having Thanksgiving with both families.

And I thought my body was going to be cooperative

When I had a tiny bit of blood mixed with 10C/KL on Sunday (CD 12), I wasn't too concerned.  When I had even more brown spotting yesterday, I was a bit annoyed.  When it was even more this morning, now I'm frustrated.  I thought that since I barely had any spotting last cycle, that maybe it was just the Vitex that caused the abnormal bleeding.  I haven't taken the Vitex since the end of September, so that's shouldn't be the problem.  My body is obviously just screwed up (I say that like I didn't already know it's true).

The good news is that I shouldn't o before the weekend, which is appreciated since D is out of town until Friday night.  I'm ready to just get this cycle over with so I can send Dr. Hilgers the letter and get started on finding some answers.  I just want there to be the possibility of pregnancy, and I don't trust that my body is in a place where that can happen.

"So are you thinking about kids"

D's work friends are generally pretty nice, but the baby questions and TTC advice from them drives me crazy.  We went to a Halloween party last night, and of course it was brought up by one of the people he works with, and ended up where they were saying things about having babies for about 10 minutes.  The ones that we do mention that we are trying to have the "wonderful" advice of "have more sex" and "relax and don't try so hard".  It's hard to figure out how to handle it since he's the one who works with them.

Earlier this week, my cousin asked me a couple things on the family website including if we were thinking about having kids soon.  I responded that we have been trying since the wedding in July 2007.  The cousins on that side of the family are mostly on their second child and all but one are younger than me (some by almost 3 years).  It was hard to see two of my cousins' wives announce pregnancies earlier this year.  One of them did take 10 months to get pregnant and she had a previous miscarriage, so it wasn't as hard to be happy for her.  This side of the family also lives on the other side of the country so I only see them every couple years.  They are pretty tight-knit, but it's hard for me that I'm not a part of it.  The cousins on the other side live closer, but they still live a couple hours a way and the oldest is 5 years younger (the youngest is 17 years younger).  My 19 year old cousin is due in 3 weeks, around the same time as the cousin on the other side's wife.

I did work on my letter to Dr. Hilgers, so that I can send it when this cycle is done (around November 20 is my best guess...unless we have a miracle).  My next follow-up with my Creighton instruction is on Wednesday.  I hope to be oing on Saturday (CD 18...today is CD 12).  I'm glad that it falls on Saturday since D just left for a business trip and I won't see him until Friday night.  "We" are dogsitting...really me because D work yesterday and I didn't, so I was home all day with the dogs.  They are good dogs, but it's just that he was the one who agreed to it, but I'm the one whose spending the time with them.

Business trips

D will be going out of town next week for work.  Of course I should hopefully o next week, luckily it shouldn't be until Saturday.  I was quite disappointed when he told me, since he'd been changed to a different division of the company and wasn't going to be travelling at all.  He likes traveling, but it's bad timing since we are going to Austin next weekend for my parents' anniversary party and we'll have to meet in Houston.  Otherwise he'd have to drive 3 hours here and 6 hours to Austin.  This way I'm driving 4 hours, he's driving 3 and then we'll drive 3 1/2 together.

I don't like being home by myself all week long.  I was also hoping to actually be able to have a couple days before o to cover our bases.  I guess I've just got to conceive D to take advantage of Friday and Saturday (at minimum).

When spotting is good

I'm actually to the point where I'm spotting instead of bleeding, and it's only CD 6. Now this may sound normal to most people, but I generally have 7 to 9 days of full on bleeding followed by spotting. I've only had shorter periods during cycles after clomid. I'm hoping that this means that the spotting/bleeding won't happen again this cycle. I'm not sure what I'd to if it happened again.

I'm really looking forward to D getting home on Friday. He may have to work on Sunday, but he should be in town all next week. We leave to head up to his sister's wedding and other than some separate wedding related stuff we'll be together all that week (which coincides with o week conveniently).

Happy Anniversary to Me...9 DPO

Today is our anniversary. D is out of town until Friday. We celebrated our anniversary on Saturday and had a good time, but I'm still very disappointed that he's not here.

We have been trying for a year now, although I o'd 2 days before the wedding so we didn't have a chance that cycle. Cycle #1 TTC officially started July 23. I'm actually still only in the 2ww of cycle #10 (9 DPO). Cycle #12 won't end until around mid-September . Depending on whether you count months or cycles, I'm close to an official label of "infertility", either 9 days or 2 months.

I should get my progesterone b/w results back sometime today.

D has decided he wants to try yoga, so I put some of the podcast workouts that I do and a couple for weight loss and love handles. I hope that he likes them; it would be kind of cool to do them together.

Disappointed

I just found out that D will be out of town for our first anniversary next Monday. This will like the 5th week in a row that he's been traveling. He will probably be out of town the following week too. He's been covering for a person who left the company and now he's training the replacement and covering for them when they go down to the corporate office (which is here). He is around on the weekends (well Saturday and part of Sunday), but I'm ready for him to be around during the week.

I think that I'll end up needing to wait on my next round of Clomid, since I don't know for sure that he's actually going to be around at the appropriate time. The good news is that without Clomid, I should hopefully o the week of my SIL's wedding, so we should have a chance at good timing.

I didn't make it to the u/s appointment for today, so I'll be going tomorrow at 10:15.

Crazy day

I still haven't gotten my b/w results yet. I called my dr's office at 10 and 4, and my dr. finally called back at 5:55. It was the only time that I wasn't near my phone, since I was filling up my car. I did try to call back, but no one was there. I was only at the gas station at that time because I got off work later than usual. I also had to stop at the store since we needed a long of stuff since we were out of town for almost two weeks (off and on).

The little girl, S, that I nanny had a bunch of bathroom accidents today, so that was great fun. The little boy, W, is starting to cruise and be able to sort of walk if you hold his hands. I hadn't seen them in about two weeks, so W had changed a lot.

My ex-best friend from high school, who I had a falling-out with senior year, friended me on Facebook. I hadn't talk to her in at least 8 or more years.

D will be out of town again next week, but he's off for the 4th of July so he'll be back Thursday. I should hopefully o on the 5th, which is Saturday. If I'm off on the 4th (up in the air right now...I should find out tomorrow), we are going to a party my aunt and uncle are throwing near Austin. It would also mean that I'd get a chance to see my grandparents and possibly my brother.

Yoga

I'm trying to get back into doing yoga. I actually took yoga as my HP/PE in college. I've been doing ones from podcasts, which seems to be the easiest way for me. I did two workouts yesterday and felt a lot better. I even bought one for fertility. I know that it probably won't help me get pregnant, but it hopefully will help me relax at least. If you are interested, it's Yogamazing and there are free podcasts available in iTunes, with focuses on different body parts, etc.

D is going to go out of town and I may or not be able to join him. I might be able to go up with his co-worker (who is our friend) tomorrow if I don't have to work until Thursday.

Postive OPK ?

I got a positive (or at least near positive OPK today). D will be home tomorrow (although we are leaving almost immediately for Houston when he gets home) and hopefully we'll have time to have sex. Hopefully he won't get off work too late, since he has 9 hours of traveling tomorrow. It's 5 hours here, then 4 more to Houston. I'll probably nap until he gets home and then drive from here to Houston.

If the OPK really is positive, this means that I'm going to o around CD 17 or 18 which is great for me, especially since I didn't o last time on clomid until CD 16/17 with trigger. If it does happen, I don't know if it's the clomid still in my system or the Vitex working already.

We'll be staying at his parents' house tomorrow night through Tuesday morning since my youngest brother K graduates high school on Monday night. My other two brothers will be there too. We aren't together as a family much since DF (the oldest of my brother...but younger than me...and he has the same name as my husband) lives in Austin and M/BP (the middle brother) lives in Denver. I haven't seen DF since my grandmother's birthday party in December and M/BP since K's football game we all went to in early November.

I'm looking forward to seeing some of my friends that I haven't seen since late summer or the fall since we'll be in town longer than usual. So far, the plans are on Sunday. It should hopefully be a good and somewhat relaxing weekend, and hopefully we can get in some sex too.

Kind of bored

I don't like being home by myself at night. I'm getting a little lonely and bored since D's not here. I have only talked to him for maybe a total of 15 minutes since he left (he's not in a very talkative mood...not super unusual).

I have my follie check u/s tomorrow, so hopefully I will have some nice big follies almost ready to go (but not before Friday). I'm really hoping that D will get home before midnight on Friday, but it's not too likely. I'm going to do my OPKs starting Thursday (CD 14), since obviously having intercourse before Friday is not an option (we did it Sunday, but that probably won't be close enough if I manage to o tomorrow or Thursday). I'm hoping I won't o before Saturday since D will get home late and probably not be in the mood (though of course I'm still going to try to get him to do it). I'm hoping to get an OPK+ on Friday or Saturday, but it's possible that I'll have my usual late o around CD 21 (the only good thing about that would be that hopefully our timing would be decent). I don't feel like o is impending but I hope it happens this weekend.

D is out of town :(

D left yesterday for Alabama for the week for work. He'll be back Friday, so my body will hopefully wait until at least Friday before I o (CD 15- early for me, but hopefully the clomid will make it a little early). I just really don't want to waste a cycle, especially a medicated one. I would probably do one more round if I did o before D got back, since obviously there would be no chance due to the timing. I'm pretty sure that I won't o before then, since I get fertile signs generally for 5+ days before and I don't really have anything showing fertile yet. I finished the clomid on Friday, and I started my estrogen on Saturday. My follie check u/s is on Wed.

In other news, my high school reunion is on my 28th birthday. D is being weird and saying that he doesn't want to go, but hopefully it's just him not wanting to plan so far ahead.