Two lines *updated

TCIE, call me if you are still up.

I don't have a camera, but there are two lines.  I guess I'm getting a blood draw as soon as we get home.  I don't know what else to say.

Updated:  I took a second test (FRER) and it was also positive.  We are so excited.  D is alternating between laugh and crying with happiness.

P+14

Still no spotting.  Having some cramps.  Will update tomorrow morning.

P+13

Ok, so I'm P+13 today.  I had spotting/bleeding from P+4 to P+9, but I didn't have any for the past couple days.  It doesn't look like I'll have the three days of spotting before my period that I have the last few cycles.  I'm  questioning if it's worth bring a test since we'll be out of town until Sunday afternoon, which will be P+15.  The lack of spotting is giving me hope which is driving me crazy.  I wish I had never heard stories of people who have spotting but later get a positive test and have a successful pregnancy.  Tomorrow is likely to be CD 1; we'll be at our friend's wedding

Prayers needed

I got an email this morning that a woman who had just joined the young adults group at our church was murdered last week by her ex-boyfriend.  She seemed like a really sweet girl and I was looking forward to getting to know her.  Please pray for her soul and for her family.

Acupuncture

I didn't blog yet about one of the coolest things about the new family that I'm nannying for.  The mom is a doctor who is trained in acupuncture, and even better she giving me complementary treatments for IF (plus she personally dealt with IF and m/c).  I have been really wanting to try acupuncture but it was just completely out of our price range.  We did the second treatment today and it was so relaxing.

Does anyone have any recommendations on how to get starting in researching adoption?  D says his only real concern that he's aware of would be the financial part of adoption.

P+4 Frustration

As I was getting ready for my shower this morning, I saw blood.  I was really hoping that the antibiotics would stop it.  If I have to deal with not ever getting pregnant, I will consider that God's will.  However, I cannot and will not deal with an insane amount of my life taken over by bleeding until I reach menopause.  I'm really more angry than sad about it.  I really need Dr. H. to figure out the cause soon.  I did call PPVI and ask for the nurses to call me back.  For a while now, I've thought about the woman with the hemorrhage who just had faith and touched Jesus and she was healed.  I just wish I knew how to do that.

My new nanny job is going well.  The little boy is great and I really like the mom, who I'm helping out this week since she's still home on leave.  I'm actually off today since she's going to visit some friends, so I'm going to try to get some things done around the house and do errands.

Good things

Yesterday I went to a presentation hosted by the local Cathedral's pro-life group about Creighton and NaPro.  I already knew the information, but I was able to meet some local people who have dealt with or are dealing with infertility.  Since it's so hard to meet other people IRL who are dealing with infertility, and especially who've gone through the morally licit treatments like NaPro, I wanted to put myself out there are a resource and a connection into the blog world for others who are here locally.

I'm starting work on Monday and I got to meet the little boy (really little, less than 2 weeks old) I'll be nannying for.  This week I'll be just helping out the mom, whose still on leave for a little while long, since the dad will be out of town.

D and I did end up using Friday night, and it was a much happier experience than Thursday night was.  It's looking like yesterday (CD 16, pretty good for me) was Peak day so Friday would have been P-1.  It would be nice to use today, but I'm glad to have decent timing at all after Thursday night's debacle.  The annoying thing is that I'll have to get my P+7 done next Saturday, and we'll have friends in town plus D's working 7-5, so it'll take some effort to get the bloodwork done.

 I really hope that the bleeding will continue to stay away this cycle.  As disappointing as it would be to have hope that I was pregnant and not be, it's even more disappointing to not even get to have any hope.

More on Frustration, Timing (plus a turtle as a bonus)

In response to everyone's very helpful comments on my previous post about my timing frustrations:

It's not a no interest ever issue, so I don't think it's a more serious issue unrelated to TTC or him just being tired.

Sometimes what happens is that he'll "submit" to my wanting to use a day of fertility, but some of those times it feels like I'm doing all the "work" and he's just lying there.  This isn't happening all the time, even on days of fertility, it's just that it happens often enough to cause frustration.  It's not very unitive when it seems like the other person is half asleep.  Last night, we didn't really have either purpose fulfilled.

I wish that forewarning helped, but it doesn't seem to make it any more of a priority or take the pressure off of me. I do try to dress nicely on those days and make it more than just wanting one thing and trying to entice him in other ways.  Mornings aren't really an option since he's not at all a morning person and has to be at work at 7am anyways.  A lot of it does have to do with him being tired from working 6 days a week most weeks, but I just wish that it was a bit more of a priority for him.

It's hard for me to be "available" during other times of the month with the amount of bleeding/spotting that I've been having to deal with.  Trying to use any days I'm bleeding tends not to end well because it quickly becomes uncomfortable for one or both of us.

I'm hoping that we'll use at least one more day.  Right now, we've only really used what is at best P-3.  There's a good chance I'll ovulate in the next day or two, which is pretty good for me since today is only CD 15.

Thanks for listening to my venting.  Obviously, this is the kind of thing that it's less than helpful to vent to D about (venting as opposed to discussing...obviously discussing the issue with D is good).  Like Misfit said, yelling/crying/whatever only makes it worse, which is frustrating since that's when you most want to yell/cry/whatever.  I will try to write down my feelings next time and give him a note since getting upset just makes him shut down more, thanks to Awaiting for the suggestion.  IF is hard enough without having to worry about and stress over what is supposed to be the fun and pleasurable part.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who is dealing with this (although I wish no one had to).

Here's one of my turtle figurines to make this post happier:

Jenny from All Things sent me a turtle figurine as my Lent Prayer Buddy gift and I'll post that next time.  Thanks, Jenny!
 

Very Frustrated (probably TMI)

I've posted about my frustrations with timing before, but it's not getting any better.  I don't see much effort on D's part to try or actively participate when we do use a day (I do all the work a lot of the time).  I started having 10C/KL on Wednesday, our anniversary.  We had used Tuesday night, so nothing happened Wednesday night and I didn't want to push.  Last night, D got home late after hanging out with a friend and was practically asleep when we "used" yesterday. However, I don't know that yesterday even really counts since everything that needed to happen didn't (I'm trying to put this in a way that explains what happened without going into explicit detail).  I doubt anything will happen tonight either.  I cried a lot last night and this morning.

Other things always seem to get in the way of using days and it never seems to be a priority for D.  This has been a problem since before officially IF set in.  He'd rather stay out late with a friend, and Thursday and Friday are always days that he does that.  Saturday he's usually working late and Sunday-Wednesday nights aren't really better due to work.  I don't know what to do.  I try not to get frustrated, but I'm having a really hard timing not being sad and angry.  I've tried talking to D, but I don't think that I'm really getting through to him.  I have felt like giving up on TTC so many times, but when it comes down to it, I just can't stop trying and being the initiator.

I really hope that this cycle won't be a bust based purely on bad timing, but I really don't have much confidence right now.  I guess it's good I'm not on any meds that are solely for TTC, like ovulation inducers, etc., since then it would feel like a waste of money too.

Maybe if I'm lucky we'll have a few more days of "fertility" and we'll actually use a day.  We'll see.

Three Years

Three years ago today, D and I got married.  Here's my post from our last anniversary that has a picture and details if you want to see.  We don't really have any plans since D's working during the day and I'm babysitting tonight (and we desperately need the money), but we did get to spend a lot of time together on our trip from Thursday to Sunday.

Today is also the feast of Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha, who was a Native American who lived in New York and Canada in the late 17th century.

As you might guess, the anniversary is a little bittersweet since we still haven't been able to conceive and this makes it three years of trying.

Improvement (and some other random stuff)

I've had a better start to this cycle compared to previous ones.  I didn't really have cramps, just some back pain.  I stopped bleeding on after CD7, which is a huge, let me say it again HUGE improvement since I've been going to CD 10+ most cycles.  I don't know if the antibiotics had anything to do with it, but if they are the reason I'm not still bleeding (and I'll be even more impressed if I don't have post-ovulation bleeding) then I can deal with a funky stomach and metallic taste for another 6 months.

I told D that I was done bleeding and he laughed at how happy/proud I was, but he doesn't have to wear feminine hygiene products for 2/3 of the month (ex. last cycle with 20 days of bleeding out of a 30 day cycle).  If I manage to make it to P+14 or 15 (which is of course a long way off), I may actually get my hopes somewhat up.  However, even if we don't actually conceive, I will be thrilled just to not be bleeding all the time.

Prayer buddy (and all the rest of you wonderful ladies), please pray that the bleeding will continue to stay away.  Also, please pray for my first cousin once removed, she has Stage 3 breast cancer.  My grandma is really worried about whether she'll lose her sister (my great aunt) if her (my great aunt) daughter loses her cancer battle.  We went to visit my grandparents today since we were in town (they live about 6 hours away so we always try to visit when we come even for other things), and she started crying when she was talking about it. 

Thursday and Friday, D and I went with a friend and his kids (plus his nephew) to a great waterpark in Central Texas (I bet any Texan would know where I'm talking about).  We had a great time, but it was hard to see D with our friend's almost three year old since I haven't been able to give that to him.  The good news is that D and I could definitely handle taking a 3 year old to a waterpark, just the two of us.  I got slightly sunburned and so did D (even after putting on sunscreen), but it's not too bad.

My mom is in from overseas and is at our house for the next week.  Last time she was in was for my surgery, and I spent most of the time sleeping or feeling nauseated.

The baby, a little boy, that I'm going to nanny for was born earlier this week.  I'll probably start working in about a week since the dad will be out of town for flight stuff and her mom won't be able to come to town.

U/S update

I heard from Dr. H's office yesterday and they said that my u/s from P+3 last cycle did look like I ovulated.  So LUFS (unruputed follicle) doesn't see to be my problem (or at least from this u/s).  We started the antibiotics and the first day nausea was pretty bad, but today is better.

Cycle Review

I finally had my cycle review with PPVI just a little while ago (I'm on CD 5).  Dr. H wants D and I to do cyclical antibiotics for the next 7 cycles.  I'll start this cycle since I rarely peak before CD 16.  They will usually be CD 1-10.  Does anyone have a recommendation on probiotics?

I guess I never mentioned that Dr. H. decided to hold off trying PIO until seeing if there is some improvement from the antibiotics, so I haven't done PIO at all yet.  Hopefully I won't have any bleeding this cycle, but we'll have to see.  My progesterone was 31 and my estrogen was 18.4.  The progesterone is about average for me, but the estrogen is lower than what I've had previously.  Dr. H says the levels are good though.

The one thing that I didn't get any answers on yet was my P+3 u/s.  They do have the disk, but the PPVI u/s techs haven't looked at it and done their report yet.  I asked that they call me once they have the results.

I told D yesterday that I thought that we should continue treatment only until my 31st birthday in October 2011 at which time I'll be about 18 months/cycle out from surgery and we'll have been TTC for over 4 years, and D agreed.  At that time we'll start discussing, looking into, and saving for adoption.  We haven't ever had a serious discussion of adoption, so I wanted D to start thinking about it so that if we get to October 2011 without conceiving we can have that discussion.  We won't TTA after that time, but unless something changes diagnosis-wise, etc we won't be as actively trying.

CD 1...Cycle 33, 7 Quick Takes

1.Well, today is definitely CD 1.  I've got my call in to PPVI for my cycle review.  Hopefully they received the CD from my P+3 u/s by now.  I'll post with my cycle review update when I hear from them.

2. We are going to a waterpark in less than a week for a long weekend with some friends and family.  It's too bad that I'll still be bleeding/spotting by then, but I'll have to deal with it.

3. I'm working on repainting all the doors in our house and will soon start working on the trim.

4. I'm still waiting for the baby that the family I'll be nannying for is adopting to be born.  The BM was supposedly due June 15.  I'll start about 3-4 weeks after the baby is born.

5.  I hope that PPVI can figure out the crazy bleeding.  I had only 10 days out of 30 days last cycle without bleeding.  Maybe I could get pregnant if I wasn't bleeding all the time.

6.  Yes, I collect turtles.  I'll have to go around my house soon and take pictures of the turtle figurines.  My parents have given me ones from Australia and Italy so far.  If we got a pet, I would want a turtle.

7. I posted yesterday about the IF weekend.  I hope to meet some of you lovely ladies.

IF weekend reminder

Keep Calm and Carry On (yes, she's still alive...I talked to her yesterday) and I have planned a get-together in NW Louisiana at my house August 13-15 (rescheduled from June), which we had sent an email about a few weeks ago.  If you are tentatively attending, please comment here or send me an email (which can be found in my profile).  I just need to get an idea or how many people we might have.  I'll send more details soon via email.

I'll post a cycle update tomorrow since it'll probably be CD 1.  I'm spotting again, which started Tuesday (P+11).

Sc.ott Hah.n and Jo.hn Mar.tignoni * Updated

If you ever have the chance to see either of them speak, I would definitely recommend going.

John Mar.tignoni spoke on "Marriage and the Eucharist: And the Two Shall Become One" (you can get all of his talks on his website for free or you can donate).  He explains how the Eucharist can be explained in martial terms and marriage in Eucharist terms.  He then uses this relationship to explain why contraception is a problem, why non-Catholics can't receive the Eucharist, why sex shouldn't happen outside of marriage, and why there is no such thing as gay marriage (which is also something that Leila posted about).  We all know that the Eucharist re-presents and makes present the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross.  JM brought up that each time we have intercourse with our spouse, when are renewing our martial vows and re-presenting and our total giving of self from our wedding day and making the consummation of it present, which means we need to remember that this is more than just a physical act.  The one area that I wished that JM had discussed since he brought up contraception and how it separates life and love was the flip side of IVF.  Contraception is "love" without life and IVF is life without "love".  During the lunch break, I actually mentioned to JM that he should add a discussion of infertility and IVF to his talk, and he said he'd consider it.

Sc.ott H.ahn gave two talks.  One was on the the "Letter & Spirit: From Written Text to Living Word in Liturgy" and "Reasons to Believe: How to Understand, Explain, & Defend the Catholic Faith".  If you have never read a SH book or hear a CD of him giving a talk, you need to do it now.  Both talks are parts of books that he has, which I haven't read yet but definitely plan to.  In the Letter and Spirit talk, he focused on how his conversion from a Presbyterian minister to a Catholic came through reading the Bible, the early Church Fathers, and then seeing it all put together in the Mass.  He reminded us that the Bible came from the Liturgy and the Liturgy is thus filled with interconnections with the Bible.  Letter and Spirit is a follow-up to the Lamb's Supper, which is a great book on the Mass and its relation to the book of Revelation.  One other important point that he brought up is that the Eucharist is what makes the Crucifixion a sacrifice instead of just an execution, which is what everyone present (with the possible exception of Mary and the Apostles) would have seen it as.  You have to eat the Passover Lamb for the sacrifice to be complete.

I may write about the Reasons to Believe talk later.  The talk was interesting, but I'm having issues pulling out what I want to discuss.

A Question I've Been Pondering *ETA

Marie Therese's post about the woman offering to be a surrogate brought up something I have been thinking about over the last few day. Obviously, surrogacy where IVF or IUI are used is against the Church's teaching, since IVF and IUI are inherently immoral.  My question is whether there is any moral issue with a married couple (through normal sexual relations) conceiving a child for the purpose of giving that child up for adoption?  I can't think of any reason that it wouldn't be, but I was wondering if anyone else had thoughts on this.  If it is licit and one could find a couple willing to undergo the pregnancy part, but that wasn't ready to raise more children at that time, it would seem to be a way that fertiles and infertiles could help each other if you could get them together.  Anyone have thoughts on this?  Am I being crazy to even wonder about this?

Edited: Everyone's answers that the intent is where the issue is that makes it too much like the child as a commodity issue that also comes up in IVF, surrogacy, etc makes sense, and that children should be raised by their biological parents as long as the parents are capable of doing so is an important point.  I figured that there must be something I was missing.

Busy day and u/s drama

Today was a busy day.  I went to get our registration stickers from the driver's license office, got my b/w done and sent, got a new appraisal done on my wedding band/engagement ring (since the diamond was lost last year and we ended up using the money to pay down debt...hoping to replace by our tenth anniversary) and took the appraisal to my insurance company.

I have had very poor luck getting u/s results to PPVI.  The hospital sent them to my local urologist friend, but not PPVI.  When I found out that they hadn't gotten them, I called her but her office staff didn't see the note.  I had to call her again this morning and they finally got sent to PPVI.  They call and said the report actually didn't give them the information they need so we're working on getting a CD of the u/s sent up to them.  Hopefully that will be received before my cycle review (likely to be next Friday).

The good news is that as of right now, I'm not bleeding or spotting and I didn't bleed or spot yesterday.  Hopefully, this will continue until the end of the cycle and I can have a real CD 1.  No testing will take place unless I make it to P+15 with no more spotting.

Dreams

I had a couple of weird dreams last night.  One dream involved TCIE, AYWH (and Ryan), and GIMH, none of whom I've ever met.  We were traveling with my dad and one of my brothers.  Very random.  Does anyone else ever have dreams about fellow bloggers they've never met or am I just weird?

My other dream was at a doctor's office, and I had a blood test and they said I was pregnant.  Of course I was still bleeding in the dream too.  I woke up right after.  I think they say that if you dream of being pregnant, then someone you know will be.  I'm hoping it's a blogger.

No word back yet from PPVI, but I did get the u/s results from my doctor friend (a urologist) who said that they saw a 1.5 cm "cyst".  It's probably a corpus luteum so I'm guessing I don't have LUFS (at least not presenting this cycle).  I'll update when I hear from PPVI (hopefully tomorrow, I'll be calling if they haven't call by noon).

Talked to PPVI

I talked to a nurse from PPVI this morning and she said that the doctor (one of Dr. H's colleagues, since he's on vacation) thought that it's probably either a polyp (this would be not good) or a flare-up of the infection/inflammation that they found during my hysteroscopy in December.  If it's a polyp, I'll need to have another hysteroscopy to have it removed and I would need to figure out where to have that done since it would be really difficult (both time and money-wise) for us to go back to Omaha for it.  I don't know if there is anyone close that I would trust to do it.  Infection/inflammation would just mean doing the 10 days of antibiotics for 6 months or so (and they may do the diaflican again since they found yeast), which would be much easier and less time consuming.  The nurse said that they'd probably have me do that first before recommending another hysteroscopy.

I had my P+3 u/s yesterday but it was at the hospital's radiology center so I didn't really get any information about what she saw.  Part of what Dr. H is looking for is whether I'm really ovulating or if I have LUFS, and I'll hopefully have some answers about that in the next day or so.  I'll be posting once I hear something.

I really hope they can figure this out and get this bleeding under control.  I'm sure it hurts our chances.