Thursday, October 21, 2010

On being pregnant after IF

I know my posts have been pregnancy heavy and those who are still waiting might not want to read them.  I hope that my posts don't hurt anyone.  I've been quite limited in the amount of time I have to post and I haven't really talked about my feelings on being pregnancy after IF:

When I talk to someone who doesn't know about our IF struggles, I always try to mention that this pregnancy was not something that happened quickly, but that we struggled for a couple of years and had to have surgeries to get this point.  I hope that I'm being a witness about the fact that IF is out there.  I also mention Dr. H/PPVI/NaPro when appropriate.

I'm still dealing with occasional spotting and although it no longer causes me to completely breakdown (the first two times I broke down and was somewhat hysterical), I'm still very worried about Baby Blondie especially when I have the spotting.  I had spotting that lasted over a couple hours while visiting family this past weekend and it completely ruined my ability to enjoy spending time with my family.

Since I haven't been able to feel Baby Blondie move yet, I still worry about having an u/s and not seeing a heartbeat (even though I've seen the heartbeat on u/s 4 times now).  When the u/s starts, I almost assume no heartbeat until I hear it.  I know that pregnancy, even in the second and third trimester, does not guarantee that you'll get to take home and raise a baby on earth.  I watched a video on the October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and it had a baby who died just after the 16 week u/s (I'll be 16 weeks on Saturday).  Although I'm not constantly focused on the fact that my baby could not make it, I definitely have that worry in the back of my mind.  I check the heartbeat with a Doppler on a regular basis.  D even asked me last night about "whether SC (our nickname for the baby) was going to stay in there" meaning whether we could stop holding our breath about the likelihood of having a live baby.  I doubt that he'd be quite as worried (and it's not a crazy high level of worry) about the possibility of loss if we hadn't dealt with IF.

In some ways, it doesn't seem real.  I mean I've seen the baby a few time on u/s sound and my body is changing, but I kind of think that part of the reason that I have worries about not seeing the heartbeat is that it doesn't seem like this is real.  I need to hear the heartbeat regularly and look at the bump to see that this isn't something that I'm imagining.  Even with the horrible nausea, it at least meant that there was a good chance that everything was going ok.

I am thrilled that we having this blessing and I know that it's not because we deserved it, prayed more, or really anything that we did.  I wish that there was something that I could do for those who are still waiting beyond just praying for you (which is important of course).  You are always in my prayers.


  1. When I was pregnant with my first, my sister in law who has had 3 miscarriages told me that I should try my best not to worry because as difficult as it is to trust that baby is okay in there, it is best to realize that as parents we will be worrying about our children for the rest of their lives, and if we aren't careful, the worry will consume us, and we will lose the joy in motherhood.

    I was blown away by her wisdom, and it is a piece of advice that I have carried with me every since, and when I start to worry, I force myself to say a prayer of abandonment to God's will, and I ask Our Lady Queen of Peace for her intercession.

    I am praying for you, and I hope that you start feeling movement soon! That always helps with the worry! :)

  2. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Even my fertile friends say they are just as nervous before ultrasounds and worry just as much as I did/do. And I think everyone has that it-doesn't-seem-real feeling. It's hard to wrap your mind around it! It will get so much better once you feel movement on a regular basis (but remember that happens at different times with different babies, so don't worry if you don't feel it as early as others have reported it). Movement is so exciting! I'm so happy for you :)

  3. I don't think you should feel guilty about posting about your pregnancy because you are, after all, pregnant! I just assume that once readers know they can read or not read at their discretion. We are excited for you! And want to know how you're doing. Hoping your worry lessens as time marches on with your little one :)

  4. I'm sorry you are so worried about your little one. I know the feeling and have been feeling the same way. I hold my breath right before every ultrasound.

    I'm also with you on the pregnancy after IF. I've been wanting to write on this but just haven't been able to find the words. I too feel that whenever someone finds out I'm pregnant I have to tell them how we struggled and put in a plug for Creighton/Napro. I also feel the guilt. I think it's just part of it though because we are all to aware of how the pain of IF.

    Keeping you and your little SC in my prayers!

  5. It DOES get easier. Soon that little cutie will be kicking you into to reassurance!

  6. I remember how hard it was for me, too. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and still can't believe that is my baby cooing in the other room. I just keep trying to say, "Jesus, I trust in You."

  7. You are such a good mommy. I pray for you and the baby and I'm happy to read the other comments that it does get easier. I can only imagine how you walk on eggshells wondering what tomorrow brings. My DH always says that if/when we get pg, he's putting me on a pillow for 9 months! I look forward to reading about the first kicks - that will be an exciting day!

  8. I am intrigued about this whole Pg after IF thing, and have been for a while. I know myself, and as much as I will want to NOT worry, and ENJOY every moment, I know I will have a lot of fears, mostly because I think I just know too much about my body and how it (doesn't) work! And I think while it may not be a significant difference, there IS a difference in the fears of an IFer with their first pregnancy and the fears of a M/Cer with their current pregnancy. I think the fears may be more real, more powerful and constant with a woman who has already M/Ced, and that with IF it's more of a fear of the unknown. If we (IFers) lose the baby, what next? Will we EVER get pg again? Should we try NOT to worry because this MAY be our one and only shot at pregnancy?

    I'm not saying one is worse than the other, certainly I would think it's no contest (a M/Cer's fears being far worse). But that unknown is something that an IFer carries INTO their pregnancy, I think. We have a lot of unknowns BEFORE we ever become pregnant, and that is, will we EVER be a mother on this earth or in heaven... and that that same uncertainty carries right into pregnancy with the question of "will I be able to bring this baby into the world?" and "is this my one and only pregnancy, no matter how it ends?"

    Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out there. I think this is a really thought-provoking post, and a great reflection you had. If you have a particularly worrisome day, may I suggest you go back and read some of Sew's archives from when she was early in her current pregnancy. She is my HERO in that despite her failed pregnancy last year, she set out to cherish each and every moment of this pregnancy, despite the fears that I am sure were haunting her beneath the surface.

    Can't wait to see you soon!!