Dating Anniversary and Deep Thoughts

As of today, D and I have been together for 4 years.  Before I started dating D, the longest that I'd ever dated someone was less than 4 months.  Sometimes I still worry that he'll chance his mind, that he'll decide this was a mistake.  I know that this isn't a good way to feel, and I know that he loves me, but I still have a crazy paranoia.  Ever since moving back from England right before first grade, I've always felt a bit precarious in my friendships.  Partly the problem is that so many of my friends have always come through another friend, so if something happens to that relationship then all the other go away too.  Since all my siblings are brothers and they are all younger, they were always the ones who were together.  I was separate.  

Ok, enough with my craziness, I'm on CD 11.  I've had 10C once or twice a day for the last three days or so.  I had some spotting/bleeding on Wednesday and yesterday (probably since I wrote that I wasn't bleeding anymore).  I've finished up my antibiotic and antihistimine/decongestant as of this morning.

D and I had some miscommunicate about what days he has off, so we may not be going home until the weekend after Christmas.  It depends on if he gets approved to take the day after Christmas off.   

Names for Non-Existent Children

Please forgive my craziness, this is kind of a confession.

Last night after getting off the phone with D (who woke me up), I was trying to fall back asleep and for some reason baby names came into my head. We have already talked about names (we talked about it after a couple months of dating) and we have two that we like for sure. One is a girl's name and the other is a boy's name. I don't want to share the name and maybe not even the sex of the baby with others (though D and I will probably find out). I want it to be a surprise for everyone else, and I want most gender-neutral stuff at showers.

D is into initials (his are DRS), so he would like intials that spell something. He wants to use his middle name for our first-born son but the first name we like best starts with an A. He doesn't want the initials ARS (he thinks arse), so that name is out for our first. We plan to use it if we have a second son, with a different middle name (ABS). For a girl, we have the name for the first picked out (CGS). Ideally, two boys and a girl would be a good makeup based on name choice.

We had originally decided on a name for the first boy, but I've decided that I don't really like it that much. I am now thinking about J names (JRS) or maybe a N name (NRS). At this point, there is still a long way to go before naming a baby, so I haven't brought it up with D recently to get his take. I'll probably start talking to him about it once we have a BFP.

Hope when hopeless (or why I hate my body)...10 DPO

That's how I feel. There is this tiny glimmer of hope, even with the bleeding, that the dr's office will call and say that my beta was positive at 9 DPO. It's insanity to believe that it's possible, since I've been bleeding or spotting since the day I o'd. I'm not even going to call to check on the results, I'm just going to wait until they call me. I just want to know why I'm bleeding; I just need answers.

Confessions

I have a spreadsheet on my computer with my likely o dates and EDD for the next 18 cycles based on my usual o date and LP. I update it regularly and play around with the dates.

I was just thinking about how nice it would be for me to get a BFP this cycle, since it would be right after our anniversary and my EDD would be March 28, which is right before D's birthday. I just wish I could be more hopeful about it.

I also spent way too much time last night researching cloth diapers for a baby yet to be conceived. I'm sure I want to use cloth; I'm just deciding on which to use.