Ouch

This cycle has been weird.  CD 1 started off with about 15 minutes of pretty heavy bleeding, but then went done to pretty light flow.  CD 2-5 were light flow too and it's only been the past two days (CD 6 & 7) that I've had my normal medium flow.  I'm also having some pretty sharp pains that come and go (and have only happened really in the evening the past three days or so) in the area of my right ovary.  Since it's not consistent and hadn't really bothered me during the day, I haven't called PPVI but I'll call if it continues into tomorrow.

My youngest brother stopped in for the night yesterday on his way "home" (since my parents are living overseas, he doesn't really have a home) on the way home from college.  It was good to see him since I hadn't seen him since Christmas.  I'll see him again in August on his way back up to school.  He's working at a Catholic teen camp this summer and then going to Ghana for a mission trip in July.  Please keep him and the group he's going with in your prayers.

There has been so much wonderful news in the Catholic IF blogger world lately.  Congratulations to Sew, Jeremiah, and Thankful.

I need to work on hope in the Lord for myself like TCIE and Kaitlin talked about.  I've been feeling a bit down, like it's never going to happen for us (even with my FCP and Dr. H saying we have good odds).

An email should be going out about the Southern blogger get-together soon.

Waiting

I'm still spotting/bleeding, but it's not heavy enough to count as my period yet.  It looks like it'll be another time where I'm bleeding for at least 20 straight days (I'm already at 10).  I've been feeling sad and stressed.  My 5 1/2 year old computer is falling apart, but it's going to be a while before we can get a new one. we won't have our credit card balances paid off until July and then we have to save up for a computer.  My car (2001 Honda) is still in good shape, but it's in for a major service costing about $600 since it's got almost 150,000 miles on it and we plan to keep it for hopefully about 5 more years.  

I contacted PPVI since it's been almost 6 weeks since they receive my letter.  They said that Dr. Hilgers will hopefully be working on the response this weekend.  She took my email address and will email me the letter when it's ready, so that's good news.  Most likely, I won't be able to do anything until next cycle unless the response is on Monday or Tuesday.  Of course testing and treatment will cost money.

I know I shouldn't be worrying about things as much as I am.  I need to work on putting things in God's hands.  I'm almost finished reading Left to Tell; I need to be more like Immaculee, her faith in such harrowing circumstances is amazing.

Feeling left behind

I used spend a lot of time on the Nest TTC message boards, but I don't go on much lately.  I do lurk every one in a while to check and see if there are any new pregnancies.  There have been a lot of pregnancies there and in the blogs that I read, and some women have gone through their entire pregnancy since I start reading their blogs.  I'm really happy for them that they have finally been blessed with motherhood, especially since they are IF.  The problem is that I feel left behind.  I just keep seeing their tickers go up week by week, and I feel no closer to acheive a pregnancy.  It doesn't help when I have my period and my hormones are wacky and I just feel sad and want to cry.

I'll be sending my letter to Dr. Hilgers tomorrow afternoon, hopefully, if I can get my records from my dr's office.  I'm probably going to have to bring the little boy I nanny for with me (and hopefully his big brother to walk around with him) while I get the records.  I really need to get the letter sent so that I can feel like I'm making some progress.

Right now, I don't feel like any of the cycles have a chance of working.  We are still going to try of course, but the confidence isn't there. I need some answers from Dr. Hilgers on the kinds of testing and treatments that we might be looking at, and getting that done before I'll have any real hope that I can get pregnant.  I feel like it's going to be at least 6 months if not a year from now before we have a chance of this working.  It's almost been 18 months since we started trying, and I'm thinking it's going to be at least 2 years from when we started trying before we might have some success.

I'm only having light flow today, which is strange for me for CD 4.  I also seemed to be having some 10KL.  My body is obviously very confused.

D and I were looking at my chart, and he wants to try to start having sex earlier, like CD 12 and do it every other day.   He's worried that we are missing it and that my temp spike doesn't happen until a couple of days after I o.  I'm all for more sex; D has generally been the one who's too stressed and tired.  I know that this is a strange request, but please pray that D will follow through with this.  

D left for another business trip this afternoon.  He wasn't feeling well before he left, but luckily he was feeling better when I called to check on him.  I'm ready for Wednesday, since D and I will be meeting up then at his parents' house and then we'll be having Thanksgiving with both families.

Feeling sad

I think a lot of the sadness I'm feeling today comes from the fact that I had my annual well woman/pap this morning at my ob/gyn.  Going there is disappointing.  I had hope that the Clomid would help me get pregnant, and they also never found a cause for the bleeding I was having a few months ago.  Also, when I went last November, I never thought that I'd be going back the following November and not be pregnant.  

I was not impressed with the comment that I got from the NP when she was asking if we were still trying to get pregnant.  She said the famous "I bet if you stop trying it will happen then".  I replied that I'm pretty sure that there is something causing our problems and it needs to be found and treated.  Everyone who works in a ob/gyn's office should have to take a workshop on things that help those who are infertile and what not to say.  I also wish that I hadn't had to sit and look at the bulletin board of birth annoucements.  By the time I left, I was distracted enough that I forgot to request copies of my medical records to send to Dr. Hilgers.  I have to remember to call tomorrow.

I'm feeling sad and cranky right now and D's at basketball and won't be home for a couple more hours.

12/13 DPO...starting to get crazy

I'm having bouts of irrational sadness and yesterday while D went for his run, I started crying after watching Cold Case. Normally I would probably test today, but since I triggered, I'm waiting until Sunday. It would suck for it to be a false positive. I'm going back and forth between hope and hopelessness. I'm ready for Monday and answers. We are going out on Sunday with my parents for a Mother's Day brunch/lunch, and if I do have a positive test I plan to tell them then.

I started D on vitamins. He had been taking a multivitamin, but not daily and I added l-caritine, arginine, zinc, and selenium. I didn't tell him what they were for beyond what's on the bottle, but I don't think it's a bad idea. Since he isn't getting an SA done any time soon, I might as well assume that improvements can be made (plus he doesn't eat a lot of fruit or vegetables). My best friend graduates from nursing school tomorrow, so we are going to stay with her tonight, go to her graduation tomorrow, and go to see our parents tomorrow afternoon.

D's Birthday

It's D's 26th birthday today. I'm only 9 DPO, so I definitely can't test yet. With all the stuff we are doing on the house, I made his present (a list of 26 things I love about him) and card. I'm making his favorite dinner (chicken and dumpling) and getting a cookie cake from Great American Cookie Company. I don't know if I should have any hope or not for this cycle. Maybe I do need the 100mg of Clomid to get a good o and a good chance of getting pregnant. I've suddenly gotten sad, and I don't know why.