Sunday, November 23, 2008

Feeling left behind

I used spend a lot of time on the Nest TTC message boards, but I don't go on much lately.  I do lurk every one in a while to check and see if there are any new pregnancies.  There have been a lot of pregnancies there and in the blogs that I read, and some women have gone through their entire pregnancy since I start reading their blogs.  I'm really happy for them that they have finally been blessed with motherhood, especially since they are IF.  The problem is that I feel left behind.  I just keep seeing their tickers go up week by week, and I feel no closer to acheive a pregnancy.  It doesn't help when I have my period and my hormones are wacky and I just feel sad and want to cry.

I'll be sending my letter to Dr. Hilgers tomorrow afternoon, hopefully, if I can get my records from my dr's office.  I'm probably going to have to bring the little boy I nanny for with me (and hopefully his big brother to walk around with him) while I get the records.  I really need to get the letter sent so that I can feel like I'm making some progress.

Right now, I don't feel like any of the cycles have a chance of working.  We are still going to try of course, but the confidence isn't there. I need some answers from Dr. Hilgers on the kinds of testing and treatments that we might be looking at, and getting that done before I'll have any real hope that I can get pregnant.  I feel like it's going to be at least 6 months if not a year from now before we have a chance of this working.  It's almost been 18 months since we started trying, and I'm thinking it's going to be at least 2 years from when we started trying before we might have some success.

I'm only having light flow today, which is strange for me for CD 4.  I also seemed to be having some 10KL.  My body is obviously very confused.

D and I were looking at my chart, and he wants to try to start having sex earlier, like CD 12 and do it every other day.   He's worried that we are missing it and that my temp spike doesn't happen until a couple of days after I o.  I'm all for more sex; D has generally been the one who's too stressed and tired.  I know that this is a strange request, but please pray that D will follow through with this.  

D left for another business trip this afternoon.  He wasn't feeling well before he left, but luckily he was feeling better when I called to check on him.  I'm ready for Wednesday, since D and I will be meeting up then at his parents' house and then we'll be having Thanksgiving with both families.


  1. I am sorry you are feeling so sad. It seems like it is so hard to follow-though in trusting God when your body seems to following the beat of a different drum. I am so hofeful for you that your letter to Dr. Hilgers will bring you new courage, confidence, and hope. It really encouraged me to have someone who had some idea of what was going on with my body.
    I remember in the beginning of my journey in infertility, I was afraid to share my journey with others, because I just knew that everyone would have successful pregnancies before me. I don't know why it took me so long to be open, but I really needed the time to be ready to be fully open and transparent.
    I hope that you start to feel better soon. I recently had a miserable and emotional first seven days of this current cycle. The good news is that it balances out at some point. Enjoy being with your families for the holidays! Nothing can brighten the heart like being at home! I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, you never know when God is going to be knitting new life within your womb!

  2. Keep up the faith, you never know when God will be knitting new life within your womb. I have been on this journey for a long time and I know that you can't hurry the process, although I sure would like to do so! Enjoy your holiday with your families. I pray that it is a joyful celebration and taht you and your husband can make the time to make all of your dreams come true!

  3. I know just how you feel about not having a chance to conceive so it doesn't even matter if you try. That is how I felt before starting with PPVI too. And you have a good attitude about how long it might take. I actually put off starting with PPVI for a while because of how long I was afraid it would take once I started. I know that makes NO sense, but IF messes with our minds, as I'm sure you well know!

    Once it does get going for you, you will only be getting healthier and healthier. And no matter how long it takes, you'll be on the path towards your best shot at a pregnancy!