Tired

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday was extra bad on the nap front.  K took one good nap in the morning but then I had a terrible time getting her to sleep and ended up having to drive her around for 1.5 hours last night.  I was hoping to hang out with D and a couple friends but K was hysterical.  D has been working a lot (like he has had  not had a full day off since a week ago Monday) and he's working today and has to go out to mow my parents' lot on Sunday.  He does have Monday off.  Since he's working so much, he goes to hang out with his friend on Thursday and Friday evenings, which I understand, but I've pretty much been dealing with K by myself all day and I'm not really getting a break.

She's only occasionally napping longer than 30 minutes and won't go to bed until between 9:30 and 10:30 (and lately it's been 10:30).  Once she's down for the night, I still have stuff to do to get ready for the morning as well as getting a bit done for my class so I'm not in bed for another hour usually.  Then she's nursing off and on from 4 or 5 until she gets up, so I'll not sleeping great during that time.  Yesterday and today, she seems extra fussy and is even having a few spurts of hysterical crying so it's been extra rough.  She doesn't seem sick and doesn't have a fever or anything.  Being tired and frustrated is really starting to wear me down and I've had a couple crying spells myself.

I'm not getting anywhere near as much done for my class as I want to, and I need to get it done so D can not have to work quite as much.  I'm feeling resentful that I'm not getting it done and that when she freaks out when we are out, I have to leave and D can stay.  I feel lonely.  It's really frustrating because I don't know what to do.

Scary stuff (not pregnancy related)

My youngest brother, who is ok, got into a car accident today (and he was at fault) and possibly totaled his car.  I was driving behind him and saw the whole thing happen.  It was really scary; I wasn't sure that he was going to be ok.  I parked my car and ran over to check on him.  The other driver was older and went to the hospital, but I don't think it was serious.  Thankfully D came over from work and helped get everything sorted out.  My brother is supposed to be leaving to drive up to school in Ohio on Sunday, but we don't know how he's getting back yet.  My parents haven't gotten back to their house overseas yet from their trip to the states, so we haven't been able to talk to them.  They hopefully will be back in the next couple hours.  I'm very glad I wasn't in the car, or I'd be over at the hospital getting an u/s.

Prayers needed

A friend's 19 year old brother committed suicide today. Please pray for the family.

Not getting any better

My grandmother's condition has worsened. I still can't find my diamond (I'm going to have to go fill a claim later today or tomorrow). It's pouring so hard that I'm worried that my house might flood (it almost flooded last year, we do have flood insurance). The grandfather of kids that I nanny for is having a major surgery, which I believe is related to his prostate cancer. I'm so upset right now, and I'm not sure if I can handle anything else. I need some prayers.

Stressed

My grandmother went into the hospital on Saturday due to heart problems. Her heart was beating a little too fast and then it would stop for 3-6 seconds, which would make her black out, and then it would restart. She's in the ICU, but she seems to be doing ok today and may be released tomorrow or the day after. Please pray that she will continue to do well. D and I were in town and were able to visit her along with a few of my other relatives. We got in late and I'm very tired.

This morning after putting my ring back on from washing my hands, I realized that my diamond had fallen out of my ring and I haven't yet been able to find it. I have it insured but I just want to find my diamond. I'm probably going to have to get the setting completely redone since I have it less than 3 years and it's been loose before.

Yesterday was also CD 1, so I'm handling the stress even worse than usual. It's starting to bug me when I hear about people who have spotting and end up being pregnant because I start thinking that it's a possibility, but it's never true for me.

Last Saturday

I just remember that I didn't tell you about last Saturday night while we were out with friends to see a comic. D and a friend went out after D got off work Saturday, and then they picked me up to go to dinner. At dinner, I caused serious injury to my toenail by hitting it with the bathroom door. After I got back to the table, D manage to step on it.

We then got in my car (D drove) to head over to see the comic. There was a stopped train that caused us to detour, and as D was going back out to the street we need to be on, he hit a curb and popped my front driver's side tire. We pulled over and they put on the spare; however, the spare was flat. I had to drive superslow the mile to get to where we were going. Obviously, at this point, I'm not in a good mood. We sit down with our friends and some of their friends to wait until it was time for the show, and one of the women we were with was pregnant (visibly so she was probably about 6 months along). It was just one of those things that I didn't really want to have to deal with during an already crappy evening.

Yesterday, however, was a good day for the most part, except for me stressing myself out about stuff to get done.

Craziness and cycle #9

Cycle #9 officially started today. We are now at 10 months TTC as of today. Our house almost flooded last night. The water almost got up to the back door. It rained more today, so hopefully everything will be ok once I get home. I barely got to work today because of high water. I have a rash on both my forearms, and benadryl hasn't really calmed it down. I really hope that I'm not having an allergic reaction to Vitex or Evening Primrose Oil. I'm looking forward to going home and taking some benadryl and crashing. I may have D pick up some dinner or something.

Last night was not good

It should have been. We went to Tyler to see my parents and grandparents, because they came up to see my parents' land where they're going to build their house. I went to go pick up D from work, and he didn't come down until 45 minutes after I got there and called (not a good start). Then, he told me that he'll be out of town for a week from April 20-April 25. CD 14 is April 24. I haven't ever ovulated that early, but that's why I'm on 100 mg of Clomid. So the ideal date for me to ovulate would be CD 16 or 17. Hopefully my body will cooperate with my plans (unlikely though). When we got to Tyler, we missed the turn and D got angry at me that we always get lost (and he always get angry when we get lost). When I went into the hotel to meet my parents, he stayed in the car. I was upset and crying at this point, and didn't even say hi to my grandparents until grandma said something. Grandma is going to be starting to go downhill medically. Oh, did I mention that I had major cramps from FP too? We barely talked to each other until this morning, and went to bed without kissing or saying "I love you" or even "Goodnight". I guess this morning is better, so that's good. I do wish that I could have been in a better mood to see my family, but I can't change what happened.

I don't think I can do this anymore

I don't think that I can keep taking meds and get bloodwork done when my husband won't even have sex with me when I'm probably about to ovulate.  It not that he doesn't want to have a baby, but he is just too stressed out about work and other stuff to be able to get into it. I don't know if I should even keep temping.  I don't know if I can stop "trying" but I am going to try to stop trying so hard that I'm angry and stressed (although we won't be trying to avoid either).  I guess I need to get to a place where I'm able to relax more and stress less.  It will be better for both of us and our marriage if I can do that.  If I keep temping, it will be so that I have charts in case we get to the the point were my husband thinks that we need outside help.  It's so frustrating to have to waiting for it to be our turn, especially because I am a nanny for a 6 month old and I just want one of my own.