#100...Crazy dream and other stuff

I'm mostly over my cold as of yesterday. When I was sickest on Sunday, FP had slowed back to spotting, but yesterday I felt better and FP and the cramps kicked into full gear. I'm also pretty sure that I have shingles, because I get a rash when I get sick and it's always in the same place on my left hip.

So my crazy dream was that my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. The dream probably has something to do with the fact that two of my cousin's wives on one side and one of my cousins (she's 19 and unmarried) are all pregnant right now, and I'm not sure that we can actually get pregnant without medical intervention, and that intervention is not happening any time soon (the beginning of next year is the earliest it could happen). I think D understands that there is probably something wrong with at least one of us (quite possibly both since my body is crazy and won't stop bleeding). He admitted the possibility that there might be something wrong on his end, since so far all of my tests are ok.

When I talked about the problems earlier this week with D, it seems to be better. D is being a bit weird, but I think everything is ok. He's decided he likes sleeping on the couch, but he's ok with me sleep there with him. I can't stay the whole night since I get uncomfortable, but it's better than sleeping alone the whole night in the queen bed.

A couple of girls on the nest 6+ board just found out that they are pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but the fact that they all did ART (2 IUIs and 1 IVF) makes me think that it won't happen for us naturally. Yes, this is only cycle #12, but we are getting to month 14. Also, it seems pretty clear to me that there are some problems with me since I've bleed from a couple days after o until FP for the past three cycles. I really hope that this cycle is at least normal enough that I won't start bleeding before FP; that's all I'm asking for right now. I would love a BFP, but I would be happy with a normal cycle where I o before CD 21 and don't bleed before FP.

CD 1...Cycle #12 (or Everything's Falling Apart and I Don't Even Know Why)

Today is CD 1 of cycle #12, although I didn't ever stop spotting after 2 DPO in cycle #11. I'm sick, and I feel like my body is falling apart. I wish I knew what was causing the spotting.

There are some sudden things going on that are also making me feel like my marriage could be falling apart and I don't even know why. If there isn't some sort of explanation from D of what's wrong pretty soon and some resolution regarding whatever it is, I'm not sure that we'll even be trying this cycle. The most frustrating part is that I don't even know what's wrong and he won't tell me. I'm in the middle of writing a letter. I hope I can have some answers from him at least.

Sick...11 DPO

The kids I nanny for were sick earlier this week, so I'm getting sick now. I have a sore throat and a cough. I just feel crappy, and want to go home and sleep. I also managed to lock myself out of the house this morning and D had to come home and unlock the door. Luckily, I was able to meet the mom of the kids I nanny for at the school and pick up Baby W. I'm working tomorrow at the bead store for 6 hours, so I'll get to sleep in some but it would have been nice to just rest the whole day.

FP and cycle #12 should be here tomorrow. I haven't stopped spotting, so I'm sure I'm not pregnant. Hopefully, the spotting will finally stop some time. FP, being sick, and working tomorrow...it should be fun.

Money and Infertility

This post is a C&P from the Nest. A girl C&P about a girl asking the multiples board a question about working with twins since she was about to undergo IVF and the C&Per commented in a way that was insulting to the original poster.

This was my reply:
Dealing with IF causes you to have to make difficult financial decisions. You have to save up to see an RE, for treatments, and still be able to afford the child that will hopefully be the end result of all of your expenses. Getting pregnant (even with treatments) is generally easier when you are younger, so time is not your friend. You have to balance what you can afford and debt with the fact that you have a limited amount of time. This is especially an issue if you are hoping to have more than one child (non-multiples). Multiples is a concern in IVF, but most REs limit the number of embryos transfered, again trying to strike a balance between increased likelihood of getting pregnant and the risk of multiple and the accompanying complications.

Additional comments:
The reason that we aren't currently pursuing treatment or additional testing is financial. D wants to be in a better financial position (with less debt) before we spend money on testing and treatment since our insurance doesn't cover IF. I don't even want to go back to my dr (ob/gyn) about the bleeding (still happening by the way) since they couldn't find any answers and it just seemed to be a waste of money. We can afford a child, but we can't afford testing and treatments right now to get a child. Thankfully I'm still under 30, so it's not as if we only have a year before AMA. When we do get testing and treatment, it will be through an RE and hopefully it will be around the beginning of the year (in less of course I get pregnant by then).

Edit (9/3/08): I have realized that it's a good thing that ART isn't covered by our insurance, although testing should be covered in my option. We might have jumped into ART without thinking about the morality of it. However, the financial aspect of dealing with IF is there whether you follow the Church's teaching or not. Treatments for the physical causes of IF are likely not covered under insurance for many people, and adoption is expensive as well.

7 DPO...still spotting/bleeding

I'm now 7 DPO and the spotting/bleeding continues. I should be getting "true" FP and the start of cycle #12 on Saturday. I'm ready for this bleeding to be over with, but I have not reason to believe that it won't come back again next cycle. I'm pretty sure that we don't have great odds anyways, so the bleeding makes me think that it's going to be almost impossible for me to get pregnant without it stopping.

Cramps and spotting

I started getting cramps and a backache yesterday, and it has continue to hurt off and on today. I'm still spotting/bleeding, and I don't expect that to end before FP. I wish this would stop, because it has to be reducing our chances (who knows what's wrong and how low they are anyways?). The stupid tiny little smidgen of hope is still trying to hang around too.

...It's back...ugh :(

I'm 2 DPO and spotting again. This is the third month in a row. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm so sad and pissed that this is happening again. I don't know what else to say.

1 DPO...CD 17 or 27

I've either oed early (CD 16) after the provera and second FP or oed late (CD 26) going from the first FP (normal is CD 21).

Dancing

D agreed to try to find a place to go do line dancing. The bachelorette party for my SIL was at a country line dancing place and it was so much fun. Also, at the wedding D was the only guy up dancing the cupid shuffle. We first hear it at our wedding and D liked it so much that we got the song on iTunes and we'll randomly dance to it at home and stuff. D's family was surprised at how much and how well he dances. He's a pretty good dancer once he's had a few drinks and is willing to actually go out to dance. I'm hoping that we'll be able to go somewhere on Friday or Saturday.

SIL's wedding

My SIL got married on Friday to a great guy. The wedding was good and the reception was fun. We only had one person ask when we were having kids, and D answered "When she gets pregnant". There was a lot of other random baby talk and stuff, but I think I handled it well. I finally met/got to know some of D's family, and I met C's (new BIL) cousin who was a bridesmaid and she was awesome. We had a really good time getting together with everyone that we don't get to see often.

I have no idea whether or not I've oed yet. My Saturday temp was after lots of drinking and little sleep and I didn't temp today at all, but I'm definitely in my fertile phase right now. The wedding stuff took up a lot of our time, so we actually only had intercourse one day other than today which was Wednesday. I'm pretty sure that I haven't oed yet, but this cycle is super funky due to the provera. I'm either on CD 15 or CD 25. My temp tomorrow should hopefully give me an idea whether or not I oed yet.

Vacation

We are in northern NY state right now for my SIL's wedding on Friday. Right now I'm sitting at a Honda dealership getting my tires aligned. We left Friday after work and got to my SIL and FBIL's house in Virginia on Saturday in the late morning. We stayed the night with them and then drove up to New Jersey to see D's grandma and some of his aunts and uncles (even though we'll see them later this week). We stopped for the night at a hotel and then drove up yesterday to the Finger Lakes and went wine tasting. We had a lot of wine and a good lunch, and we bought a couple hundred dollars worth of wine. Tomorrow we have the bachelor/bachelorette parties, and D is going golfing in the morning. Thursday is bridesmaids' luncheon and rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, and then the wedding is Friday. We leave sometime on Saturday to get back sometime on Sunday.

It looks like o is not impending, so I was right about this counting as a new cycle. It's disappointing since we are on vacation now, but luckily CD 21 is on a Saturday (8/16). We'll have to see how that timing is.

I'll probably be able to post a couple more times this week.