Confessions

I have a spreadsheet on my computer with my likely o dates and EDD for the next 18 cycles based on my usual o date and LP. I update it regularly and play around with the dates.

I was just thinking about how nice it would be for me to get a BFP this cycle, since it would be right after our anniversary and my EDD would be March 28, which is right before D's birthday. I just wish I could be more hopeful about it.

I also spent way too much time last night researching cloth diapers for a baby yet to be conceived. I'm sure I want to use cloth; I'm just deciding on which to use.

Annoyed

D still isn't willing to do an SA. He just doesn't want to. I've gone through multiple blood draws, internal ultrasounds, clomid, progesterone suppositories, and even an intramuscular injection for my trigger. I think that he doesn't want to think that something is wrong with him, thus no "romance in a cup". It's annoying since it means that we could be wasting our time on clomid, which we are paying for out of pocket. I just want answers as to what the problem is, although it would be better to just finally be pregnant.

One more round

I'll be doing one more round of clomid (I'm assuming 100 mg) with trigger next cycle (#11), unless this is one of my long cycles. My SIL's wedding is Aug. 8 and we'll be OOT from late Friday, August 1 to Sunday, August 10. If I have my standard CD 21 o and 11 day LP this cycle, then CD 14 of next cycle should be July 30 and hopefully I'd be triggering then. If this cycle is long, we'd just wait and do the clomid on cycle #12 in late August-early September.

I'm currently on CD 14, so I'll probably o next Saturday, July 5 (CD 21).

D has said quite a few sweet things in the last week, especially last night. I love him so much. I'm really looking forward to him being home during the week in another week or two. We're going to Austin for a party for my aunt, uncle and cousin on July 4th.

Bloodwork results back

CBC and thyroid are both normal. I was actually kind of hoping that my thyroid would be off since that's something that my insurance would have to cover treatment for. Since we can't afford to go to the RE right now, we may try one more round of clomid (my 4th) with my ob/gyn. I called DH so he can think about it.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that we probably won't be moving forward to the RE for a while (at least 6 months or a year). This will especially be an issue if we don't do another round of clomid. I really just want to have some answers about what's going on and why it's taking a while, and I hate that I'm just having to keep waiting and hoping that it will work soon.

Crazy day

I still haven't gotten my b/w results yet. I called my dr's office at 10 and 4, and my dr. finally called back at 5:55. It was the only time that I wasn't near my phone, since I was filling up my car. I did try to call back, but no one was there. I was only at the gas station at that time because I got off work later than usual. I also had to stop at the store since we needed a long of stuff since we were out of town for almost two weeks (off and on).

The little girl, S, that I nanny had a bunch of bathroom accidents today, so that was great fun. The little boy, W, is starting to cruise and be able to sort of walk if you hold his hands. I hadn't seen them in about two weeks, so W had changed a lot.

My ex-best friend from high school, who I had a falling-out with senior year, friended me on Facebook. I hadn't talk to her in at least 8 or more years.

D will be out of town again next week, but he's off for the 4th of July so he'll be back Thursday. I should hopefully o on the 5th, which is Saturday. If I'm off on the 4th (up in the air right now...I should find out tomorrow), we are going to a party my aunt and uncle are throwing near Austin. It would also mean that I'd get a chance to see my grandparents and possibly my brother.

Waiting for the results

I'm waiting for the b/w results (beta, CBC...complete blood count, TSH...thyroid stimulating hormone), but I won't get them until tomorrow since it's after 5. I got my blood draw done at 12:30 or so. I was hoping that they would call with at least some of the results today, but no luck. The good news is the spotting finally stopped on CD 11.

Still spotting

I'm on CD 10 and I'm still spotting. Yesterday I was still bleeding. I've now been at least spotting for 19 days and bleeding (at least off and on) for 14 days. This is getting really old and I want it to stop. I don't know what I should do at this point and I don't know if I should call my dr or not.

Update: I call my dr's office and talked to the nurse. I'm now waiting for her to call back after talking to the dr.

Update to update: I'm going in for b/w tomorrow when I get back from Memphis, so hopefully my dr can figure out what's going on.

Yoga

I'm trying to get back into doing yoga. I actually took yoga as my HP/PE in college. I've been doing ones from podcasts, which seems to be the easiest way for me. I did two workouts yesterday and felt a lot better. I even bought one for fertility. I know that it probably won't help me get pregnant, but it hopefully will help me relax at least. If you are interested, it's Yogamazing and there are free podcasts available in iTunes, with focuses on different body parts, etc.

D is going to go out of town and I may or not be able to join him. I might be able to go up with his co-worker (who is our friend) tomorrow if I don't have to work until Thursday.

Ouch

Cramps suck. Nothing else to say.

Annoyed

I'm annoyed that I've been bleeding for over a week and will probably continue to bleed for almost a week more. I'm annoyed that less than a month from our anniversary, we are still having to deal with TTC. I'm annoyed that I've been in a crappy mood since I started bleeding. I'm annoyed that it may be another year before we would move on to the RE. I'm annoyed that I probably won't o for at least two more weeks.

I'm so tired of waiting. I'm tired of TI. I'm tired of worrying about whether our timing will be good. I just want to be pregnant, so one of these days I can have a child with blonde hair and blue eyes. Only two more cycles before we hit cycle 12, and with my lovely cycles I'm only going to be on cycle 10 after trying for a year.

I haven't really gone anywhere other than lunch or dinner in Memphis so far. I should probably do something tomorrow.

CD 1, Cycle 10

Yesterday was our 11 month wedding (and TTC) anniversary, and today, Father's Day, I finally started Cycle 10 after spotting since 3 DPO and bleeding off and on since 7 DPO. I'm up in Memphis with D for his business trip. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to update while he's working this week.

11 DPO

No real change. I'm still bleeding off and on and spotting. When I told D that my body was defective, he actually said something cute. He said that my body had been working extra hard these last few months on the clomid, and that it need a break to get back to normal. I don't plan to test since the bleeding means it's almost impossible for me to be pregnant. I expect to start FP for real in the next couple days.

We are visiting our parents this weekend for Father's Day. We took our dads to see Indiana Jones today and we are going to dinner with both families tonight. I got the bridesmaid's dress for J, my SIL's, wedding and although I ordered 2 sizes too big in case I was pregnant, it's actually pretty close to fitting. The back at the top need to be taken in, but surprisingly the waist fits pretty well. Sadly, I have no chance of being more than about 6-7 weeks pregnant (if that) at the wedding.

9 DPO...still spotting/bleeding off and on

I still have been getting bouts of red flow for a few hours, but it slows back to spotting. I have some cramps, but they are waaay less intense than usual. I guess I'm hoping that I can hold off on FP officially starting until Sunday or Monday, so that my LP could be somewhat normal. There's no way that anything good can be happening with all of this bleeding.

I'll be going out of town tomorrow to visit our parents then to Memphis for a business trip with D, since I have a week or two off since the kids I nanny went to go stay with their grandparents while their mom studies for her end of residency board test. I'm very glad that he's going out of town when I can go with him. I'll need to figure out some things to do in Memphis other than hang out at the hotel like I usually do. While we are home visiting our parents, we are going to take our dads to see Indiana Jones.

It's not quite over...yet... 8 DPO

The spotting seems to have almost stopped for the moment and my temp went back up from 97.9 to 98.4 (though yesterday was an hour early). Therefore, my body hasn't completely betrayed me yet. I still have a chance of making it to 12 DPO or 13 DPO before FP really starts (no reason to believe that it won't). Maybe my body just didn't want me to be hopeful this time around. I will not test until I'm late which is next Tuesday, June 17.

7 DPO and the likely end of cycle #9

This morning I woke up to relatively heavy full red flow at 7DPO (or 10 DPO based on OPKs). I had to get up early this morning, of course which makes it worse. 5 am is not when you want to see blood almost a week early. Either way my LP was way too short, even compared to my usual 11 day LP unmedicated. Even if the flow somehow stops (it has slowed down since the morning) and doesn’t return for a week, it’s highly unlikely that I could be pregnant.

I’m so frustrated and disappointed. We are almost at 11 months TTC. Only 2 more cycles and it will be officially infertility. I don’t know what to do since we can’t afford to move on to an RE yet. I’m just stuck here hoping against hope that my body can actually do this, which is seeming less likely every cycle. I’m really hoping that the rest of today doesn’t turn out as crappy as this morning has.

There was thunder and lightning most of last night so I didn’t sleep well. It rained earlier and now it’s just grey and overcast. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep, but I got off work too late to take a nap.

Spotting at 5 DPO

The spotting actually start late on Friday at 3DPO. It got worse yesterday. It has gotten a little better but not stopped yet. All that I can think is that spotting this early is likely to be some sort of progesterone issue. I'm supposed to wait until next month for progesterone b/w to make sure that the clomid is out of my system completely. It's possible, but unlikely, that it's implantation bleeding. However, for that to be true I'd have to be pregnant, which is pretty unlikely at this point.

D and I spent the afternoon trying to get rid of as much wisteria as possible. The vines were everywhere and we must have dug up over 100 feet of root. I hate that stuff. The problem is that we won't be able to completely get rid of it since some of the roots are on our neighbor's side of the fence. We also washed D's car, and afterwards I realized that my back and shoulder got sunburned :(.

D has been losing weight, partly for a contest a work. I was very excited when he said today that he thinks his sex drive is coming back.

3 DPO and life in nannyville

My temp went up more today, so o on CD 21 (Tuesday) is confirmed :). Based on my non-medicated LP of 11-12 days, I might get FP by Sunday, June 15...which is Father's Day. This is very reminiscent of last month and Mother's Day. It's not a good sign for me it seems. I'm going to wait to test until I'm late on 14 DPO (which is Tuesday the 17). Since I'm not on progesterone, I have no really need to test.

The kids I nanny for are very funny. W is 9 months old and S is 2 1/2 years old. W is crawling and pulling up, but he's not scooting yet. He really loves his walker, and rolls around most of the house with it. He's been a bit cranky the last few days; it may be teething. S is being potty trained so she can go to PK-3 in August. She does pretty well and goes on her own without prompting, but only when she's naked. She hasn't realized that she needs to get on the potty when she needs to go even when she is wearing underwear or a pull-up.

2 DPO

I'm pretty sure that I'm 2 DPO with the 97.9 the last two days so I likely o'd on CD 21 like usual. I guess it's better than o'ing late and our timing was ok (though more would have been better). D has already started asking me if I'm pregnant.

Wacky chart and fun weekend.

If I put in my OPK data and assume that my temp is about what it was today for the next two days, then I get that I'm 4 DPO and I o'd Saturday (CD 17). I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate since I had a temp of 97.1 (my normal O or O-1 day temp on Monday). My temps are a little wacky since we were up late and drinking on Saturday night and Monday night. I think I o'd yesterday (CD 21), especially since that's my normal o day. Either day we have good timing (o-1 or o day), so it should be ok despite the fact that Friday and Tuesday were the only days that we actually had sex. I was getting very frustrated with D because we had 3-4 days in my fertile time where we didn't have sex.

D has got what we think are bed bug bites all over his back and arms. He was out of town for work, and stayed in a hotel. He started noticing them on Sunday I think and we have been giving him benadryl to keep the swelling down. I hope that they clear up soon.

We went home for my youngest brother K's high school graduation this weekend (actually graduation was Monday). We got to see some friends we hadn't see in a while, so that was fun. My other two brothers were in town, and I don't get to see them much. Monday was also D's youngest sister, R's 21st birthday. We went up to visit her on Monday night and then drove back yesterday morning. We are planning on going home for Father's Day since I need to pick up the dress for my other SIL, J's wedding since MIL is picking them up this week.