Christmas

As I posted earlier, D and I were able to go home for Christmas.  D came home from work about 4 on Christmas Eve, said he had off on Friday, and then we finished packing and left.  We got home just in time for me to make it to 9pm Mass with my family.  Only my youngest brother was in town so we ended up spending more time with D's family.  On Christmas Day, we opened presents at D's parents' house first, and then went to my parents' house for present and early Christmas dinner.  After dinner with my parents, we went back to D's parents' and ate late dinner with them.  D's youngest sister and her boyfriend were there for dinner.  D's other sister and her husband got in late on Friday night, so we spent time with D's family mainly after that.  I got a Wii for D, so everyone spent a lot of time playing that.

My MIL got some of the pans that we still had left on our registry so I've gotten almost all of my old pans replaced.  

I'm pretty sure that I've oed in the last few days, and our timing should be pretty good.  I've still had a bit of 10C/KL, but the quality isn't as good as it was a couple days ago.  

I hope you had a Merry Christmas

D and I were able to go home for Christmas.  Spending time with the families.  I'll post later

Another cousin is pregnant

I found out yesterday that another one of my cousins is having a baby. This will be the 4th of my cousins (or their wives) who have gotten pregnant since March of this year (and two have had their babies).  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her.  This is her second child, and her little girl will be three in a couple months.  I'm just sad for myself, that I'm not pregnant yet, and I don't even know what's wrong with me yet.  One side of my family will have 9 great-grandchildren by July, and I'm the second oldest on that side and none are mine.  

I'm still waiting to see 10C/KL or 10KL (so no fertile mucus yet).  I'm on CD 15, so I hope to see it soon.  I've had 10C for the past couple days but it's not really looking like truly fertile mucus.  I'm definitely not going to o on CD 18.

We still don't know if D is off Friday, so we don't know if we are going home for Christmas or just waiting until the weekend.  I'm off starting early this afternoon until the end of the weekend.  I got stuff for Christmas dinner in case we are here.  Luckily, there was already a ham in our freezer that my ILs gave us when their power was out due to Hurricane Ike.

Dating Anniversary and Deep Thoughts

As of today, D and I have been together for 4 years.  Before I started dating D, the longest that I'd ever dated someone was less than 4 months.  Sometimes I still worry that he'll chance his mind, that he'll decide this was a mistake.  I know that this isn't a good way to feel, and I know that he loves me, but I still have a crazy paranoia.  Ever since moving back from England right before first grade, I've always felt a bit precarious in my friendships.  Partly the problem is that so many of my friends have always come through another friend, so if something happens to that relationship then all the other go away too.  Since all my siblings are brothers and they are all younger, they were always the ones who were together.  I was separate.  

Ok, enough with my craziness, I'm on CD 11.  I've had 10C once or twice a day for the last three days or so.  I had some spotting/bleeding on Wednesday and yesterday (probably since I wrote that I wasn't bleeding anymore).  I've finished up my antibiotic and antihistimine/decongestant as of this morning.

D and I had some miscommunicate about what days he has off, so we may not be going home until the weekend after Christmas.  It depends on if he gets approved to take the day after Christmas off.   

Meds, but not for TTC

I've stopped bleeding for the moment.  For me, CD 9 without bleeding isn't too bad.  I went to the my GP last Friday, since I hadn't been able to get over the cold/allergies/congestion/whatever.  I'm taking 6 days of oral cortiosteriods, and 7 days of antibiotics and antihistamine/decongesytants.  I'm feeling mostly better.  

As of today, all my Christmas cards have been sent.  The tree is up and the ornaments are on.  I've still got some shopping left to do for our families.  We are going to be able to spend Christmas Eve through the follow Sunday with both families.  Only one of my brothers will be in town, but both of D's sisters will be there at some point.  

There's not too much else going on right now, but I'll try to update again soon.

Creighton Follow-up yesterday

I had follow-up 5 with my Creighton practitioner yesterday.  As I suspected, I'll be doing yellow stamps for non-peak mucus post peak.  I was starting to worry that I would run out of baby stamps otherwise :).  I'm updating my Creighton chart with the mucus cycle scores and such that she gave me.  She agreed that from 10/22 to 12/8 was all one cycle with a double peak.  The mucus cycle score for the cycle starting 9/22 was 14.6 and for the cycle starting 10/22 was 13.  

In other news, D has an ear infection.  He went to the dr and is on antibiotics and prescription antihistimine/decongestant.  He also got a shot of steriod shot in his butt.  I am actually going to see the same doctor tomorrow because my ears have been bothering me.

Today is day 4 of my 54 day novena, so yesterday I prayed the sorrowful mysteries.  The bearing of the crossing and patient bearing of trial were something that I needed badly to being praying for.

Not real cycle news since I'm on day 3, just normal bleeding.  

The Real CD 1 Cycle 15

I started spotting last night, and my period started earlier today.  The good news is that I've had a 12 day LP for the last couple cycles, instead of 11 days like I had before I started the B6.  It would be great if I could have the response from Dr. Hilgers by the end of this cycle.

I think D is finally getting over his cold.  

12/13 DPO

I'm nearing the end of my LP.  I'm in the phase where I'm constantly checking for spotting or bleeding, and I'm off work so I'm less distracted from it.  The good news is that there's no spotting yet.  I've never had an LP longer than 12 days except on progesterone, so the next cycle should be here by the end of the day tomorrow.

Since I didn't ovulate until CD 35 or 36, I'm actually at the longest cycle length I've had since TTC (today is CD 48).

I was going to go to the 9:45 Mass today, but my husband is still sick and therefore snorning.  It isn't very loud, but when I wake up in the night I can't get back to sleep.  I'm very lucky that he only snores when he's sick; it would be really hard for me if he snored normally.  So the point of that was that I slept in until about 9:30, so I'll have to go to 6pm Mass.

9/10 DPO and Dr. Hilgers got my letter

I'm currently 9/10 DPO (P+8).  Both D and I have been sick for a while now.  D was up a couple times during the night, which kept me up too.  Luckily, I got off early today and was able to take a nap.  I have had a bit of a bloody nose since my nose has been messed up for a while.  CD 1 of cycle #15 should finally be here between Sunday and Tuesday, which will make it 47-49 days long.  Even if I o'd on the later day, our timing was still likely bad since it was late at night so the egg might have been degraded by then.  We'll have been married 17 months in a little over a week, and cycle #15 will have just started.

I got my acknowledgment from PPVI that Dr. Hilgers received my letter.  It was dated Tuesday.  The acknowledgment letter says that I should receive a reply within 6 weeks,  which will be around January 14 (when will have been married 18 months).  I'm really looking forward to receiving his reply.

I was supposed to have my 5th follow-up (it's by phone) on Wednesday, but it completely slipped my mind.  It's rescheduled for next Wednesday, and I put a reminder in Outlook.

 

I'm off all next week since the family I nanny for will be on vacation in D.isne.y Worl.d.  Hopefully the kids will be better by the tim   D said he would take a day some time next week, but he hadn't put in last time I asked.  We are going to go see a movie with our friend C tonight.  

I have about 2o of my 50 Christmas cards finish, and I'll be send the first batch early next week.  One of my goals for next week is to get the Christmas cards done.  I have been using my iPod's notes function to look at a text version of my address file.  That has allowed me to do cards while I'm working.  W (the little boy I nanny for) will try to mess with my computer if it's where he can reach, but he doesn't find the iPod as interesting.  

Sick again, and some things I want to share

I'm sick again, and the kids I nanny for are sick too.  Over the weekend, the low level cold/allergies thing that I've have off and on for a month or more has come back stronger.  I feel congested, I wake up in the the middle of the night, and I've been getting a bit of a fever.  D hasn't been feeling well at night either, and he has been snoring (not for a normal person, but enough that it bothers me when he gets to sleep first...as almost always happens).  My stomach feels a bit messed up too.  I'm ready to feel better.

I talked about my friend David last week, so I though I'd share some other Catholic/Christian music that I like.  Here are some of my favorite songs:

• Be Thou My Vision (which is on David's CD)
• The End and the Beginning (Matt Maher is wonderful)
• Love Has Come (another Matt Maher song)
• Forever
• My Glorious
• Salvation
• Days of Elijah
• All Creatures of Our God and King
• How Great is Our God

Also, I want to share that you can get the daily Mass reading for the previous week and the rest of the month in iTunes.  The information is available on the US Conference of Catholic Bishops website http://www.usccb.org/nab/nabpodcast.shtml.

It's actually kind of interesting that today's Gospel is about healing, since I'm sick and also I'm waiting for answers and healing from PPVI.  I need to remember to pray for heal for myself and for others.

Missed again

Our timing was bad again.  We only got the day after o.   D was out of town Sunday afternoon (and not feeling well before he left) through Wednesday night, and it looks like I o'd on Tuesday.  It's really frustrating that this is the third month in a row that we have no chance.  It would be nice for my body to be cooperative one of these months, so we can actually have a chance.  It's obviously not going to happen when our timing is off so much.  

What I'm thankful for

1. D- He is a great husband, and he loves me despite my craziness.
2. Our families- We both have great families who we love to spend time with.
3. Our jobs- We both have stable jobs and are in a stable place financially.
4. Our IRL friends- Even though we don't get to spend much time with our Houston friends, they are still there for us.
5. IF blogger friends- I would not be in a very good place right now without my friends in the computer. They have been support for the times when I didn't have anyone IRL to talk to about IF stress.
6. The Church- One of the great things about Catholicism is that you can go to Mass in different places and hear the same liturgy.
7. God- For all the gifts that he's given me, even though I don't thank him enough.

We are having early dinner with my parents and late dinner with D's parents. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

My friend David

I have a friend who is an up and coming Catholic musician.  His name is David Hust and he has a CD called For Your Glory with mainly songs written by other friends.  I just thought that I would share this in case anyone is interested.  Go check it out.

Back to 14

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to ovulate soon, and I really don't think that what I had was a real period (for me at least...too short and no real cramps).  I'm going to count this as still part of cycle #14.  Knowing my body, I'm more likely to ovulate on CD 36 or later than CD 7-10.  I'm not going to change my creighton chart.  I just wanted to let anyone who's paying attention know.

What I did on my day off, and It's in the Mail

I had today off since both doctors that I work for were on call this weekend, and the dad ended up having the day off.  I actually got a lot done

1. Look at skirt that my mother bought so I can make jewelry to match- check
2. Buy beads to match Mom's skirt, to make a Christmas necklace for her and to finish Grandma's earrings-check
3. Finish earrings for Grandma so they can be sent- check
4. Pick up records from ob-gyn's office to be sent to Dr. Hilgers- check
5. Go to post office to send earrings & necklace to Grandma and letter (w/ records) to Dr. Hilgers- check
6. Get flu shot- check
7. Drop off refill prescription for prenatals- check

As you can see from #5, my letter to Dr. Hilgers is in the mail.  I'm quite excited about that.  Now I wait for the reply, and I have a handy-dandy ticker to tell me how long it's been.

I'm pretty sure that the bleeding that I had wasn't a real period since I'm having very fertile (10K or 10 C/K) since yesterday.  Of course D is out of town, so if I'm going to ovulate soon, hopefully my body can wait until at least Wednesday night, when D and I will actually be together.  Of course, we'll be staying at his parents' house, but we'll have to make due.  I'm trying to decide if I should be counting this as a separate cycle or combine it back with the last.  When I sent my chart, I put it on a new line as a separate cycle.  However, it really seems like it could be part of the last, since I am on CD 5 with fertile mucus and only spotting (not even close to normal) and I didn't have a clear ovulation the last "cycle".

Feeling left behind

I used spend a lot of time on the Nest TTC message boards, but I don't go on much lately.  I do lurk every one in a while to check and see if there are any new pregnancies.  There have been a lot of pregnancies there and in the blogs that I read, and some women have gone through their entire pregnancy since I start reading their blogs.  I'm really happy for them that they have finally been blessed with motherhood, especially since they are IF.  The problem is that I feel left behind.  I just keep seeing their tickers go up week by week, and I feel no closer to acheive a pregnancy.  It doesn't help when I have my period and my hormones are wacky and I just feel sad and want to cry.

I'll be sending my letter to Dr. Hilgers tomorrow afternoon, hopefully, if I can get my records from my dr's office.  I'm probably going to have to bring the little boy I nanny for with me (and hopefully his big brother to walk around with him) while I get the records.  I really need to get the letter sent so that I can feel like I'm making some progress.

Right now, I don't feel like any of the cycles have a chance of working.  We are still going to try of course, but the confidence isn't there. I need some answers from Dr. Hilgers on the kinds of testing and treatments that we might be looking at, and getting that done before I'll have any real hope that I can get pregnant.  I feel like it's going to be at least 6 months if not a year from now before we have a chance of this working.  It's almost been 18 months since we started trying, and I'm thinking it's going to be at least 2 years from when we started trying before we might have some success.

I'm only having light flow today, which is strange for me for CD 4.  I also seemed to be having some 10KL.  My body is obviously very confused.

D and I were looking at my chart, and he wants to try to start having sex earlier, like CD 12 and do it every other day.   He's worried that we are missing it and that my temp spike doesn't happen until a couple of days after I o.  I'm all for more sex; D has generally been the one who's too stressed and tired.  I know that this is a strange request, but please pray that D will follow through with this.  

D left for another business trip this afternoon.  He wasn't feeling well before he left, but luckily he was feeling better when I called to check on him.  I'm ready for Wednesday, since D and I will be meeting up then at his parents' house and then we'll be having Thanksgiving with both families.

Surprise CD 1..cycle 15

My period just started, and it's pretty heavy so it's got to be the real thing.  I'm only at maybe 9 DPO, assuming that I even ovulated. I don't know why this happened.  I'm going to be sending my letter to Dr. Hilgers on Monday since I don't have my medical records yet.  I'm still not sure what to do about marking a peak day or leaving it blank. If anyone has advice, please leave a comment.

Sick

I was up last night from 11pm-4am throwing up every hour or more.  It was quite unplesant.  I called the people I nanny for and the grandmother was able to come watch them for the day.  I slept until 11 am, and I'm just going to chill for the day.  I hopefully I won't get sick again.  It's been a while since I've had been that sick, and I'm glad it seems to be over.

Waiting for Monday

I should have confirmation if I ovulated on Monday, since my period should arrive on Sunday or Monday if I ovulated when I think I did.  If my period doesn't come, it could be late ovulation, an annovulatory cycle or I could be pregnant.  I'm not testing until at least Tuesday or Wednesday if my period hasn't shown up.  If it's late ovulation, I better ovulate some time soon since I'm already on CD 29 (haha...we know our body will do what we want, right?).   I also have to wait until Monday to get my records from my dr, since she won't be in the office to sign off on the release before then.  If I can get the records and my period has come by then, I should be sending my letter to Dr. Hilgers on Monday.

It's been a long week, since I've had to wake up at 5:15 or 5:30 every day so far instead of my usual 6:00.  I also have shoulder and lower back pain right now.

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving.  We are going to be going home and spending it with both sets of parents.  Since they only live a couple miles apart, we can do early dinner with my parents and late with D's parents.  D will be on a business trip from Sunday to Wednesday, but he'll be meeting me in Houston on Wednesday night.

Feeling sad

I think a lot of the sadness I'm feeling today comes from the fact that I had my annual well woman/pap this morning at my ob/gyn.  Going there is disappointing.  I had hope that the Clomid would help me get pregnant, and they also never found a cause for the bleeding I was having a few months ago.  Also, when I went last November, I never thought that I'd be going back the following November and not be pregnant.  

I was not impressed with the comment that I got from the NP when she was asking if we were still trying to get pregnant.  She said the famous "I bet if you stop trying it will happen then".  I replied that I'm pretty sure that there is something causing our problems and it needs to be found and treated.  Everyone who works in a ob/gyn's office should have to take a workshop on things that help those who are infertile and what not to say.  I also wish that I hadn't had to sit and look at the bulletin board of birth annoucements.  By the time I left, I was distracted enough that I forgot to request copies of my medical records to send to Dr. Hilgers.  I have to remember to call tomorrow.

I'm feeling sad and cranky right now and D's at basketball and won't be home for a couple more hours.

More craziness from my body

I had some even more peak-like mucus (10 C/K) yesterday, and my temp this morning was 97.6.  I have no idea if I o'd yet and I'm trying to keep our bases covered.  Luckily, D was in the mood to make sure our timing would be ok.  I have my annual at my ob/gyn later this morning.

Weird ovary-area pain, and my cousin's baby

Today is CD 26.  I've had weird fullness/pain (but not really painful) in the area near my ovaries off and on for a week or two (so before and after o by 5 or more days). It' mainly on the right now but I'm pretty sure that it was on the left some too.  It's reminds me of how my ovaries felt on clomid, but I'm not on anything other than my B6.  It's weird and slightly uncomfortable.  

Other than that, I'm having mostly 6C or 4 but I keep having a 10 C observation during the day.  I really feel strongly that my peak was CD 21, this doesn't seem like really peak mucus and my temperature matches up.  I'm going to be sending my chart to Dr. Hilgers in about a week so I would like some advice on how mark my peak day.

My cousin on my mom's side had her baby yesterday.  This is the unmarried 19-year old.  The baby seems to be doing well.  One of my cousin's wives (this is on my dad's side) is due in the next few weeks too.

I'm not feeling like this cycle has much likelihood of working.  I've had congestion and other sinus and throat ickiness for a while now.  I had the extra long brown spotting/bleeding.  I've had the high temps before o and the weird bouts of 10 C after.  I'll be sending in my chart at the end of this cycle.  I just don't see it happening.

Condensing

I'm going to be moving my old posts from my nest blog over.  Just a FYI.

Cycle Update

I'm pretty sure that I o'd on Tuesday.  I had to override FF since my temps earlier this week were high.  It also looks like my Peak Day was Tuesday, so they match up which is nice since previous cycles didn't.  Our timing would be pretty good (o/peak-3, o/peak-1, o/peak), unlike recent cycles where we only had o-day.  However, we've had decent timing 10 other times (two cycles we missed the fertile window and one cycle was the no intercourse at all cycle).

Well, this is annoying.  I just used the restroom, and there was 10 C/KL.  I'm ready to get this cycle over with and get my letter sent to Dr. Hilgers so that I can have some answers.  I wish that I would have start Creighton charting earlier, so that we could start treatments this year since the deductible is already satisfied.

Quick update

Just a quick cycle update and prayer request.  

I'm still waiting to o on CD 20, so the last two or three months of CD 18 o were probably due to the Vitex.  I'm having good (10C/KL) mucus, and my temp finally dropped (97.3 vs. 97.8) so I hope that I'll be oing soon.  Tomorrow would be my normal CD 21 o, so we'll have to see if that happens.

My grandmother was in the hospital over the weekend for some bleeding.  She should be out by now, but they didn't have answers on what her problem was last I heard.  Please keep her in your prayers.

My crazy body (part who knows)

My body is still quite confusing.  I had some fertile mucus (10 C/KLx1) from Sunday to Tuesday, on Wednesday it was not fertile mucus (6Cx1), and I had some very fertile mucus (10KLx1) right before bed last night.  My temperature is higher than usual for pre-o.  I had some twinges/ovary pain like when I was on clomid.  I don't really know what to expect since my body is being unclear.  It's quite annoying.

Well...at least it's over (except here)

I don't talk about politics much, but I'm going to get this off my chest.

I'm wishing the election had gone differently.  I know that McCain and Palin would have been better for the country, but we can't change what happened.  Some things that I'll be praying for:

1) The safety of American troops here and abroad as well as all Americans.  I worry that the country won't be as safe with Obama as commander-in-cheif (and Biden said there will be an international incident in the first six months).

2) The lives of the unborn and that God will place adoption the mothers who have unplanned pregnancies.  Obama's administration will likely remove the few restrictions that are currently placed on abortion, so those who want to protect life will have to work to change the minds of the women (and their boyfriends/husbands) considering abortions.  

3) That the economy will be able to recover despite the problems that Obama's economic policies will cause.  The change in the tax rate after the Bush tax cuts expire will be a big blow to a lot of people (some of whom voted for Obama since he said he'd cut their taxes).

4) That there will be strong conservatives that are ready for the 2010 congressional races and that in 2012, we will have a presidental candidate that we can truly vote for.

The good news is that we have another chance to take back the House and Senate in 2010.  I hope that conservative leaders will emerge that can help that to happen and the Republicans now will vote as conservatives.  

Due to Hurricane Gustav, the September congressional primaries for parts of Louisiana were delayed until October.  That means that the runoffs were on the November ballot and the final race isn't until early December.  Joy, I get to deal with campaign calls for another month.

 

And I thought my body was going to be cooperative

When I had a tiny bit of blood mixed with 10C/KL on Sunday (CD 12), I wasn't too concerned.  When I had even more brown spotting yesterday, I was a bit annoyed.  When it was even more this morning, now I'm frustrated.  I thought that since I barely had any spotting last cycle, that maybe it was just the Vitex that caused the abnormal bleeding.  I haven't taken the Vitex since the end of September, so that's shouldn't be the problem.  My body is obviously just screwed up (I say that like I didn't already know it's true).

The good news is that I shouldn't o before the weekend, which is appreciated since D is out of town until Friday night.  I'm ready to just get this cycle over with so I can send Dr. Hilgers the letter and get started on finding some answers.  I just want there to be the possibility of pregnancy, and I don't trust that my body is in a place where that can happen.

"So are you thinking about kids"

D's work friends are generally pretty nice, but the baby questions and TTC advice from them drives me crazy.  We went to a Halloween party last night, and of course it was brought up by one of the people he works with, and ended up where they were saying things about having babies for about 10 minutes.  The ones that we do mention that we are trying to have the "wonderful" advice of "have more sex" and "relax and don't try so hard".  It's hard to figure out how to handle it since he's the one who works with them.

Earlier this week, my cousin asked me a couple things on the family website including if we were thinking about having kids soon.  I responded that we have been trying since the wedding in July 2007.  The cousins on that side of the family are mostly on their second child and all but one are younger than me (some by almost 3 years).  It was hard to see two of my cousins' wives announce pregnancies earlier this year.  One of them did take 10 months to get pregnant and she had a previous miscarriage, so it wasn't as hard to be happy for her.  This side of the family also lives on the other side of the country so I only see them every couple years.  They are pretty tight-knit, but it's hard for me that I'm not a part of it.  The cousins on the other side live closer, but they still live a couple hours a way and the oldest is 5 years younger (the youngest is 17 years younger).  My 19 year old cousin is due in 3 weeks, around the same time as the cousin on the other side's wife.

I did work on my letter to Dr. Hilgers, so that I can send it when this cycle is done (around November 20 is my best guess...unless we have a miracle).  My next follow-up with my Creighton instruction is on Wednesday.  I hope to be oing on Saturday (CD 18...today is CD 12).  I'm glad that it falls on Saturday since D just left for a business trip and I won't see him until Friday night.  "We" are dogsitting...really me because D work yesterday and I didn't, so I was home all day with the dogs.  They are good dogs, but it's just that he was the one who agreed to it, but I'm the one whose spending the time with them.

A sad, probably controversial thought

I read blogs of a number of women who have lost children due to stillbirth and miscarriage, and I had a sad fear/thought/realization.  I think that part of the reason that there isn't more research done on miscarriage and stillbirth is due to the abortion culture.  Since in the minds of those who support abortion the baby/fetus is not a person, there is less of an effort made to discover reasons for the deaths of those children.  

I hope that those who do medical research will realize that this is something that they ought to put their time and money into.

Business trips

D will be going out of town next week for work.  Of course I should hopefully o next week, luckily it shouldn't be until Saturday.  I was quite disappointed when he told me, since he'd been changed to a different division of the company and wasn't going to be travelling at all.  He likes traveling, but it's bad timing since we are going to Austin next weekend for my parents' anniversary party and we'll have to meet in Houston.  Otherwise he'd have to drive 3 hours here and 6 hours to Austin.  This way I'm driving 4 hours, he's driving 3 and then we'll drive 3 1/2 together.

I don't like being home by myself all week long.  I was also hoping to actually be able to have a couple days before o to cover our bases.  I guess I've just got to conceive D to take advantage of Friday and Saturday (at minimum).

The Story of Mr. & Mrs. Blondie Part 2

Part 1

We pick up our story in December 2004.  I had left in August 2002 for graduate school in Philadelphia and moved back in August 2004.  D and I saw each other at church and hanging out with friends when we were both home from school.  Whenever we went to the movies with friends, D and I ended up sitting next to each other (not my doing and he claims that he didn't do it on purpose either) and sometimes he'd drive me home.

D graduated in December 2004, and the day after graduation was a Sunday so after church a group of us went out to eat.  After we were done eating, I asked D if he wanted to see a movie (in a group...Ocean's Twelve) and I would pay for his ticket as a "graduation present".  We of course ended up sitting next to each other.  The next thing that happened is going to sound funny but it's an important part to me.  As we were sharing an armrest, our pinkies were touching (which I'm pretty sure had happen before, but D probably wouldn't admit it).  The pinky touching progressed into hand holding, and D took me home from the movie.  After talking in the car for a while, we eventually ended up kissing.  We exchanged phone numbers before he left that night.

He called me the next day and we drove around our hometown for hours and made out and decided we were officially dating.  We count from the night of the movie, December 19, 2004. We've been together ever since, but the story doesn't end there. 

I shouldn't self-diagnose but I'm worried

I'm worried right now from reading the information from Dr. Toth on This Cross I Embrace's blog. I fear that there's an infection that's causing the problems conceiving and the bleeding and such. I'm worried that if that is the problem, it could be very time-consuming and expensive to deal with. I worry that we won't be able to try to conceive for a long time. I haven't even completed this cycle and sent my letter to Dr. Hilgers, but I'm concerned.  

Not the greatest start and 100 songs from 1998

This week hasn't gotten off to a great start.  The little boy that I nanny for has been sick and cranky.  I haven't gotten enough sleep, and D has gotten home late both nights so far this week.  

I borrowed this meme from Busted
The Rules: A.) Go to Music Outfitters. B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year. C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate. (I can't strike through, so I am using italics). I've also added my own editorializing as further distraction.

I haven't finished going through the song, but here's a start

1998:

1. Too Close, Next
2. The Boy Is Mine, Brandy and Monica
3. You're Still The One, Shania Twain
4. Truly Madly Deeply, Savage Garden
5. How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes
6. Together Again, Janet
7. All My Life, K-Ci and JoJo
8. Candle In The Wind 1997, Elton John
9. Nice and Slow, Usher
10. I Don't Want To Wait, Paula Cole
11. How's It Going To Be, Third Eye Blind (the Dawson Creek song)
12. No, No, No, Destiny's Child
13. My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion (way overplayed due to Titanic) 
14. Gettin' Jiggy Wit, Will Smith (another song that was way overplayed)
15. You Make Me Wanna..., Usher
16. My Way, Usher
17. My All, Mariah Carey
18. The First Night, Monica
19. Been Around The World, Puff Daddy and The Family
20. Adia, Sarah McLachlan
21. Crush, Jennifer Paige
22. Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Backstreet Boys (I'm not a big fan of boy bands)
23. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Aerosmith (even though it was overplayed, it's a sweet song)
24. Body Bumpin Yippie-Yi-Yo, Public Announcement (hadn't hear this song before, but the 30 seconds from itunes annoyed me)
25. This Kiss, Faith Hill
26. I Don't Ever Want To See You Again, Uncle Sam
27. Let's Ride, Montell Jordan
28. Sex And Candy, Marcy Playground
29. Show Me Love, Robyn
30. A Song For Mama, Boyz II Men
31. What You Want, Mase
32. Frozen, Madonna
33. Gone Till November, Wyclef Jean
34. My Body, Lsg
35. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
36. Deja Vu (Uptown Baby), Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz
37. I Want You Back, 'N Sync
38. When The Lights Go Out, Five
39. They Don't Know, Jon B.
40. Make Em' Say Uhh!, Master P
41. Make It Hot, Nicole Featuring Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott and Mocha 
42. Never Eve, All Saints
43. I Get Lonely, Janet
44. Feel So Good, Mase
45. Say It, Voices Of Theory
46. Kiss The Rain, Billie Myers
47. Come With Me, Puff Daddy
48. Romeo And Juliet, Sylk-E Fyne
49. It's All About Me, Mya and Sisqo
50. I Will Come To You, Hanson
51. One Week, Barenaked Ladies
52. Swing My Way, K.P. and Envyi
53. The Arms Of The One Who Loves You, Xscape
54. My Love Is The Shhh!, Somethin' For The People
55. Daydreamin', Tatyana Ali
56. We're Not Making Love No More, Dru Hill
57. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
58. I Do, Lisa Loeb
59. Lookin' At Me, Mase
60. Looking Through Your Eyes, LeAnn Rimes
61. Lately, Divine
62. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys
63. I Still Love You, Next
64. Time After Time, Inoj
65. Are You Jimmy Ray?, Jimmy Ray
66. Cruel Summer, Ace Of Base
67. I Got The Hook Up!, Master P
68. Victory, Puff Daddy and The Family
69. Too Much, Spice Girls
70. Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are), Pras Feat. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mya
71. How Deep Is Your Love, Dru Hill Featuring Redman
72. Friend Of Mine, Kelly Price
73. Turn It Up [Remix]/Fire It Up, Busta Rhymes
74. I'll Be, Edwin McCain
75. Ray Of Light, Madonna
76. All For You, Sister Hazel
77. Touch It, Monifah
78. Money, Power and Respect, Lox
79. Bitter Sweet Symphony, The Verve
80. Dangerous, Busta Rhymes
81. Spice Up Your Life, Spice Girls (Spice Girls, need I say more)
82. Because Of You, 98 Degrees
83. The Mummers' Dance, Loreena McKennitt
84. All Cried Out, Allure Featuring 112
85. Still Not A Player, Big Punisher Featuring Joe
86. The One I Gave My Heart To, Aaliyah
87. Foolish Games/You Were Meant For Me, Jewel
88. Love You Down, Inoj
89. Do For Love, 2Pac
90. Raise The Roof, Luke
91. Heaven, Nu Flavor
92. The Party Continues, Jd
93. Sock It 2 Me, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott Featuring Da Brat
94. Butta Love, Next
95. A Rose Is Still A Rose, Aretha Franklin
96. 4 Seasons Of Loneliness, Boyz II Men
97. Father, LL Cool J
98. Thinkin' Bout It, Gerald Levert
99. Nobody's Supposed To Be Here, Deborah Cox
100. Westside, TQ

CD 1: Cycle 14...back in the game

Today is CD 1 and the break cycle is over.  I'm glad to be done with the break and be back to trying.  This is the happiest that I've been to get my period in a while.  At the end of this cycle, I'll be able to send my letter to Dr. Hilgers.  Thank you to This Cross I Embrace for sending me your letter to help me to get started.  At my follow-up yesterday, my Creighton teacher said that there are definitely somethings in my chart that Dr. Hilgers will want to look into (the bleeding the cycle between, long periods/going straight into mucus, non-peak type mucus after peak day).  I'm hoping to have some idea of what our problems are and what the next steps should be on treatments by the beginning of the year.

My Creighton Chart

I'm going to put a link to my Creighton Chart on the side. I put my Creighton Chart as well as my temps in a excel file which I will try to keep up to date. 

I haven't really talked about this cycle much since it's a break cycle, and zero chance of pregnancy.  Based on temps (and my most fertile mucus), I ovulated on CD 18.  That puts me at 7DPO. The good news is that I haven't had any bleeding. However, I've had white stamps (peak-type mucus) until yesterday, even though they were less fertile mucus (10CL or 10C/KL, 8C, 6C instead of 10KL for you Creighton charters) than CD 18.  I used my first green stamp yesterday.  However, I've already seen 6C today so I'll be using another white stamp today.  I'm guessing that I'll be going to yellow stamps in a couple cycles if I keep having this happen.  I should be ready to send my chart by Thanksgiving to Dr. Hilgers.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

It's just after 7 pm here, so in rememberance of all of my internet friends (of which there are sadly too many to mention), and the friends, family (especially my aunt and my cousin's wife) and all who have lost a child.  Sadly, I didn't know until I was an adult that my aunt had lost twin boys before I was born due to incompetent cervix.  I pray for healing for all those who have had a loss.

It's almost my birthday

My 28th birthday is tomorrow and so is my 10 year high school reunion.  There's not really anyone from high school (from my year at least) that I'm still friends with, but I'm curious to see everyone.  We are going to a football game tonight (as part of the reunion) where the high school that I went to is playing the high school that my youngest brother just graduated from in June.  My parents are going to the game although they'll be on the side of my brother's high school since he was a varsity starter for 2 years.

This week has been long and tiring.  I went on Mondayto get my license finally changed to Louisiana (after living here over two years), since my Texas one was about to expire.  I didn't have all the documentation that I needed (since the website is not very clear), so I had to go home and then come back.  I had a dentist appt on Wednesday and I got my car "inspection" (they don't really inspect much that I can tell) and I had to take the lady I work for her cell phone.

I think I oed yesterday since my temp went up and I went to less fertile mucus (from 10KL to 8CL).  I hope I did, so that this no sex cycle will over with soon.  I'm ready to get back to trying and it would also be nice if I could be oing around CD 17 or 18, instead of CD 21, even without the CD 21.  I was worried (and still am slightly worried) that I'll go back to my regular CD 21 o with some cycles going closer to CD 28 to 30-something.  

I think that for next cycle I need to figure out some way to let D know that it's fertile time without telling him so that he can be the initiator.  He's been more interested in sex ever since we have been on the break, so I'd like to have some ideas on keeping him interested so that we'll have decent timing in the future.

Some more random stuff

I have more random stuff that isn't really connected to talk about:

D seems to have more interested in having sex now that we aren't supposed to have sex for a month. I'm guessing once we get back to o time of the next cycle when we're actually trying, he won't want sex anymore. It's quite annoying.

My back has been bothering me a lot lately. I probably need to start by wearing my most supportive tennis shoes.

W, the little boy that I nanny for, threw up on Wednesday. Luckily we were in the garage and he only threw up once.

My 28th birthday is next Saturday and so is my high school reunion.

I dyed my hair blonder, but it's not as light as I hoped and expected from the box. I'm going to do it light in early to mid-November.

The Story of Mr. & Mrs. Blondie Part 1

D and I met about 7 years ago in the summer of 2001. We were at a mutual friend from church's house, who was also a friend of my brother, and we were swimming. I don't remember the exact date, but I do remember sitting on the outdoor couch next to him in my bathing suit (and I know which bathing suit) and towel. I knew from the moment I met D that I wanted to be with him, but at the time he was dating someone else and had been for about a year. He remembers meeting me and how he thought that M (my brother)'s sister was cute. At the time we met, D and I were different colleges in different cities, so we only saw each other during summers and Christmas break at church or when friends got together.

I graduated in December 2001, and moved back with my parents while I waited to start graduate school. During that spring, I actually ended up becoming friends with D's ex-girlfriend (they broke up in early spring 2002) because we were both going on the World Youth Day 2002 trip to Toronto. During that summer, I ended up spending a lot of time with D, but most of the time his ex was there. Since he was friends with my brother, he also spent time at our house. We had a splash fight in a hot tub at party when everyone else had gone inside. At some point in time that summer, I ended up telling D that I was interested in him, but I was still friends with his ex and the break-up was too new and he wasn't interested. Obviously, the story doesn't end here, but it's a good stopping point for now.

CD 3

Some thoughts that are not really connected to each other:

One of the bloggers, who underwent IVF and got a BFN, got her BFP on a unmedicated cycle. She even had days of spotting. It has given me some hope that it might eventually happen for us.

When I talked to my Creighton Model teacher, she said that my peak day was CD 20. My BBT shows ovulation on CD 18, so they definitely are not matching up.

I'm planning my parents' 30th anniversary party, which is in November. I'm calling and arranging for the resturant, and scheduling out the rest of the day. I'm pretty much the coordinator, since I'm a planner and I have three younger brothers.

D's best friend is getting married next June and D will be a groomsman. The couple had broken up, then his friend proposed and the girl said no. When they got back together, they started planning the wedding. They are just starting to tell people, since they have the church and reception site arranged.

I won't be pregnant before my 28th birthday, since it's October 11 and we're not having sex this cycle. I only have 3 more chances to even have a baby before I'm 29.

CD 1, Cycle #13, Break Cycle

My period finally started this afternoon. I hope that this break cycle is on the shorter side. My first follow-up for Creighton Model is in about 3o minutes. I don't have much else to say right now.

Waiting for CD 1

I'm currently at 13 DPO, so I'm a day past my usual LP and I still only have spotting. I don't know what's going on. I have only had two other non-medicated cycles where my LP has been 12 days. Maybe the Vitex did cause the bleeding. Our timing was bad enough, and I've been bleeding/spotting for so long that it would be pretty surprising if I was actually pregnant. My temp is being weird too. It had dropped yesterday (from 98.6 on Saturday at 6:00 to 98.1 at 6:45 Sunday) 45 minutes after I usually temp, but it was slightly high today (98.2) at 4:45 two hours earlier than yesterday. I just wish that I knew what was going on with my body, but this is not an unusual complaint from me. No, I haven't tested, and I won't unless my period hasn't shown up tomorrow (which will be 14 DPO). Surely, it'll be here by then, and the break cycle will start.

Today is my first follow-up for Creighton Model charting. I spent way too much time trying to get everything scanned into my computer, since my computer was being slow and some of the writing wasn't clear. Since I was trying to do that, I ended up staying up until 11:15 and I had to wake up at 5 this morning. I really hope to have time to take a nap this afternoon; I'm really tired.

I have gone to Mass the past three weeks. I'll discuss more later.

D and babies

D and I have had a couple of good talks this week about kids. I think that if in two to three years (which will be three to four years of trying), if I'm not pregnant then we'll start on the adoption process. He has said that he want to play with the kids that I nanny for. We also talked about Creighton Model and how that part of the reason that I wanted to do it is to help figure out what going wrong. We were over at a friend's house, and another friend had their one year old there. I held him for a second, and then D asked if he could hold him. D walked around with him for a while; it was very sweet. I hope and pray that one day he can walk around like that with our baby.

I'm still spotting, although it went to full on bleeding earlier this week and has lessened as of yesterday. I'm 11 DPO, so my period should be here tomorrow. Hopefully, the break/abstainance cycle will be on the shorter side, but we'll have to see. I would be so disappointed if it ended up being a o on CD 28 or later cycle.

Ike updates

My parents and D's parents are both having phone problems and don't have electricity. They probably won't have electricity for 2 weeks or more. We ended up losing electricity for about 16 hours and the center of the Tropical Storm was about 90 miles away from NW Louisiana. D's parents may come stay with us for a little while, and I'm trying to find my parents a generator, but the closest one is north of Oklahoma City.

I'm going to stop the Vitex to see if that stops the bleeding. I'm still bleeding.

Spotting at 3 DPO...what a surprise

Well, I guess our timing sucking doesn't matter since I've already got a little bit of spotting at 3 DPO/Peak+2. Conceivably (ha!), it could stop but based on the past three cycles, it probably won't. Ugh.

9/11

Due to the distraction of Ike, I forgot to mention the sad anniversary that is today. As most adults do, I remember where I was when I heard about the terrorist attacks. I was staying with my grandparents for the last semester of college (I graduated in December) and my mom called right before I was leaving to drive to school. My grandparents turned on the TV after the second tower had been hit. I left to drive the 70 miles to school and I listened to the radio the whole way up. As I drove, both the towers fell.

It's strange to me how long ago it was and that children don't remember that day and really understand what we're remembering. I pray that everyone who lost anyone in the attacks is able to find peace, and that our country will continue to be protected from further attacks.

Ike

We were planning on going to visit our parents in Houston this weekend since we haven't been back in a while (June). It's also my dad's birthday on Saturday. However, it looks like Hurricane Ike is going to hit near Houston, so we won't go unless the track changes significantly soon. Our parents both live in the same town, about 70 miles from the coast, so it's not going to be pleasant if Ike hits but they don't have to evacuate either. I'll probably end up going in two weeks instead, and hopefully D will come too.

Well, in other news, it looks like I either o'd on Monday or Tuesday, so I'm probably 2/3 DPO. We did have sex last night, but our timing doesn't look good either way.

Good news and bad news

The good news is that I most likely oed on CD 17, which was Monday. The bad news is that our timing sucked. We only had sex on Friday, O-3. Next cycle is our break cycle. I'm very sad and frustrated. I didn't sleep well and D didn't come home until 11 from the bar and I was upset with him. I don't feel well and I won't be able to take a nap because the middle school band practices right outside my bedroom window. D is so stressed out about work and stuff that he's on a hair trigger. Not a good day for me today.

Two normal cycles

I just realized that since I started charting in June 07, I have had two normal cycles (well normal for me). In July 07 and Nov 07, I oed on CD 21 and didn't have spotting or bleeding after o other than right before FP. Every other cycle has had either late o, significant spotting/bleeding after o, or was a medicated cycle. Twelve cycles, 9 of those non-medicated, and only 2 normal ones. No wonder we are having problems.

I'm pissed at D right now. He went out to a bar after work, and didn't call to let me know. When I talked to him at 7, he said he'd be home in an hour. I called at 8:15 and 8:30 and got no answer. I then called the friend he was with, who didn't answer but called me back at 8:45. It is 9 and I haven't seen him yet. I'm really pissed off, especially since I should o by Friday, so we should be having sex. It probably won't happen though since he's had a bit to drink and it'll be too late in his mind by the time he gets home. I understand wanting to go out with work friends after a bad day, but he needs to be more considerate about it. He needs to call and give me a heads up and then be home when he says he will unless he calls to let me know. I don't know that he would have called me at all had I not called him.

Cycle #13 will be a break cycle

When you start the Creighton Model, you are supposed to abstain the first full cycle if you are infertile. That cycle is of course the one with my birthday and would have a EDD right before our anniversary. The timing and taking a break that I wasn't planning makes me sad. D wants to do the system right, so we'll be taking off cycle #13. Cycle #14 should start near the end of October, so unless we have a miracle this month we'll be at 16 months of trying before we have a chance again. I wish that we had started learning Creighton before the wedding.

I think he gets it...and I've been tagged

D and I actually had a pretty good conversation last night about our lack of success in getting pregnant. He admitted that he had a precipitous drop in his sex drive compared to the beginning of our relationship, and I suggested that he could get some testing done. I don't know how long it will be before he is actually is willing to go in for an appointment, but I'm going to try to convince him to do it soon. It's possible it's just stress from work, but it's better to get tested. I get frustrated because it's difficult to get him to have sex when it needs to happen in my fertile time. I'm still waiting to o, and we haven't had sex since Friday. I'm really hoping that I can get him to do it tonight.

He also said that he didn't expect it to take so long to get pregnant. He even asked if I'm discouraged, I said yes but I don't want to waste any chances either though.

I've been tagged by E-Sharp. I'm very excited; I've never been tagged before.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:
1. I really like to learn about languages, mainly linguists and the relationships between languages, even though I'm not really good at hearing other languages.
2. I love tomatoes, and I'll eat them like you would an apple.
3. I hate dealing with my hair. I rarely blowdry it or curl it; I usually just comb it and let it airdry.
4. I love science. I minored in biology and when I was teaching I taught science and math. I plan to eventually go back to school, possibly for genetic counseling.
5. I'm a huge planner. D get annoyed with me since I'll try to plan things months in advance. I've wanted to ask people about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans, but I know that they won't have an answer since it's too early.
6. My hair is gold, not blonde not brown but gold (at least in my mind).

I'm tagging:
MrsO1111
AlpacaBunny
JackiJaguar
MrsDutchie
WeLoveToTry
Ashley

Starting Creighton Model charting

I got my packet to start Creighton Model charting. Since I'm use to charting with sympto-thermal NFP, it seems like it should be pretty easy to learn. The one thing that I'm concerned about is that we are supposed to abstain for a complete cycle to have confidence in correctly charting CM. I contacted my instructor to see if we can get clearance to go ahead for the cycle and just doing the seminal fluid instructions, since I'm pretty confident in my ability to chart CM. I'm not planning on ditching my thermometer right now; I want my BBT as a backup.

I went to church on Sunday, 9:30 mass, but D didn't go with me. It was easier to go then as compared to if I waited until a later mass, where I get distracted by the day's events. I got up specifically to go to mass, so it made it easier.

I'm on CD 17, waiting to o. I have a bit of a headache and earache right now, which I'm pretty sure is allergies. I especially don't like feeling icky pre-o or in the LP since I don't feel comfortable take sudafed or anything for congestion then.

It's funny

I was thinking back to last September, and how anxious I was to have a baby and how upset I was about our timing that month. I really wanted a June baby, since I was teaching then. It actually seems that I get less sad when I get FP and crying than I did in those first couple months. I think part of it is that I've resigned myself to the fact that there's probably a problem. Even during the Clomid cycles, I had a bit more hope. The last couple ones have been pretty obviously doomed right after ovulation because of the spotting/bleeding.

I do hope that charting with the Creighton Model will help and that Dr. Hilger's will have some suggestions on what might be wrong and how to go forward. I won't be able to send in my chart until mid-November, so it'll be probably December before we might have answers. December will be 17 months, cycle 15.

I feel disappointed about not being pregnant, but the way it hurt is less acute but more widespread. I guess that I'm lucky that we got the stressful timed sex out of the way in the earlier cycles and are able to be more relaxed during now. I'm waiting to o right now; it's CD 15 so I should o by next Friday hopefully.

Back to Work

I finally went back to work after Gustav; the last of the people for which I nanny's relatives left today. I was nice to have a break and I was able to get D's Christmas present, which I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get. S, the little girl, has had a couple of bad days at school; she's forgotten how to listen it seems.

I got ordered the Introductory Packet for the Creighton Model, and my long-distance teacher called me this morning. I hope to begin charting before I o because otherwise all I might have is a chart full of bleeding. The packet went out in today's mail so I hope it might be here by Monday or Tuesday.

I'm currently on CD 14, just waiting to o. I have EWCM and I don't know whether to count last cycle as o on CD 16 or CD 26 so I'll have to see if I o soon or if it's normal CD 21. I'm planning to do an OPK and see if I'm surging yet. I don't usually get a positive until the day of o, but I'm going to go ahead and test anyways.

Something I've been thinking but haven't been able to put into words

This Cross I Embrace wrote a post a few weeks back about infertility vs. recurrent miscarriage that is something that I've been thinking for a little while. It's controversial and someone who's had a loss might not agree, but I feel the same way she does.

Changes

I have be feeling a call lately to go back to church and to learn more about my faith. I don't know that we would have ever considered ART but we definitely won't do them now. I do need to find out what the problems are, especially what's causing my bleeding. I'm hoping that D will be ok with learning the Creighton Model and having Dr. Hilgers look at my chart, sooner rather than later. The only problem that he might have is wanting to wait for financial reasons, and I'm going to talk to him tonight to get his opinion on it.

I'm trying to figure out what other than prayer and Church that I need to be doing to learn about my faith. Thankfully, I have a brother who co-founded a religious community (I'm not quite comfortable posting the link to their website here since it has a lot of IRL information), but I'm also looking for suggestions.

Hurricane Gustav has actually given me the last few days off since the family I nanny for had the extended family up for W's birthday, and they haven't back to southern Louisiana yet due to Gustav.

CD 10

I stopped bleeding Friday, but I had some spotting yesterday. I'm really hoping that it's done with or will be soon since I've been spotting or bleeding 58 days since the beginning of June (when all this craziness started). If it was all put together I've been spotting or bleeding 2 whole months out of the past three.

D caught my cold and has had a bad cough for 4 or 5 days now. It's actually bad enough that it kept me up a lot of last night, until he went to see in the other room. I'm really hoping that he'll be better soon; it bothers me so much to not be able to make him feel better.

W, the boy that I nanny, had his first birthday on Saturday. D and I went to the party, and it was a pretty good time. D had never met them, so it was nice that he went with me. W was funny since he won't let some of his relatives hold him but he'd practically try to jump into my arms.

Despite my strong political feelings, I generally avoid political discussions since I tend to avoid conflict. However, I was so happy when I heard about McCain picking Palin as his VP running mate. I'm so glad he picked a good pro-life, conservative and the cherry on top is that she's a woman.

I've decided that it's time for me to go back to church. I haven't really been going since we moved here about 2 years ago, but I actually taught for a few months at the school connected to the parish. It's also where the older two kids I that I nanny go to school (one's in 6th grade and the other in PK-3). I don't think that D will go with me, even though he's Catholic too. I was reading a blog that has been pushing me to get back into it, and they also talk about the Creighton Model which is something I'm going to look into. I just wish that there was something closer than where we used to live.

#100...Crazy dream and other stuff

I'm mostly over my cold as of yesterday. When I was sickest on Sunday, FP had slowed back to spotting, but yesterday I felt better and FP and the cramps kicked into full gear. I'm also pretty sure that I have shingles, because I get a rash when I get sick and it's always in the same place on my left hip.

So my crazy dream was that my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. The dream probably has something to do with the fact that two of my cousin's wives on one side and one of my cousins (she's 19 and unmarried) are all pregnant right now, and I'm not sure that we can actually get pregnant without medical intervention, and that intervention is not happening any time soon (the beginning of next year is the earliest it could happen). I think D understands that there is probably something wrong with at least one of us (quite possibly both since my body is crazy and won't stop bleeding). He admitted the possibility that there might be something wrong on his end, since so far all of my tests are ok.

When I talked about the problems earlier this week with D, it seems to be better. D is being a bit weird, but I think everything is ok. He's decided he likes sleeping on the couch, but he's ok with me sleep there with him. I can't stay the whole night since I get uncomfortable, but it's better than sleeping alone the whole night in the queen bed.

A couple of girls on the nest 6+ board just found out that they are pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but the fact that they all did ART (2 IUIs and 1 IVF) makes me think that it won't happen for us naturally. Yes, this is only cycle #12, but we are getting to month 14. Also, it seems pretty clear to me that there are some problems with me since I've bleed from a couple days after o until FP for the past three cycles. I really hope that this cycle is at least normal enough that I won't start bleeding before FP; that's all I'm asking for right now. I would love a BFP, but I would be happy with a normal cycle where I o before CD 21 and don't bleed before FP.

CD 1...Cycle #12 (or Everything's Falling Apart and I Don't Even Know Why)

Today is CD 1 of cycle #12, although I didn't ever stop spotting after 2 DPO in cycle #11. I'm sick, and I feel like my body is falling apart. I wish I knew what was causing the spotting.

There are some sudden things going on that are also making me feel like my marriage could be falling apart and I don't even know why. If there isn't some sort of explanation from D of what's wrong pretty soon and some resolution regarding whatever it is, I'm not sure that we'll even be trying this cycle. The most frustrating part is that I don't even know what's wrong and he won't tell me. I'm in the middle of writing a letter. I hope I can have some answers from him at least.

Sick...11 DPO

The kids I nanny for were sick earlier this week, so I'm getting sick now. I have a sore throat and a cough. I just feel crappy, and want to go home and sleep. I also managed to lock myself out of the house this morning and D had to come home and unlock the door. Luckily, I was able to meet the mom of the kids I nanny for at the school and pick up Baby W. I'm working tomorrow at the bead store for 6 hours, so I'll get to sleep in some but it would have been nice to just rest the whole day.

FP and cycle #12 should be here tomorrow. I haven't stopped spotting, so I'm sure I'm not pregnant. Hopefully, the spotting will finally stop some time. FP, being sick, and working tomorrow...it should be fun.

Money and Infertility

This post is a C&P from the Nest. A girl C&P about a girl asking the multiples board a question about working with twins since she was about to undergo IVF and the C&Per commented in a way that was insulting to the original poster.

This was my reply:
Dealing with IF causes you to have to make difficult financial decisions. You have to save up to see an RE, for treatments, and still be able to afford the child that will hopefully be the end result of all of your expenses. Getting pregnant (even with treatments) is generally easier when you are younger, so time is not your friend. You have to balance what you can afford and debt with the fact that you have a limited amount of time. This is especially an issue if you are hoping to have more than one child (non-multiples). Multiples is a concern in IVF, but most REs limit the number of embryos transfered, again trying to strike a balance between increased likelihood of getting pregnant and the risk of multiple and the accompanying complications.

Additional comments:
The reason that we aren't currently pursuing treatment or additional testing is financial. D wants to be in a better financial position (with less debt) before we spend money on testing and treatment since our insurance doesn't cover IF. I don't even want to go back to my dr (ob/gyn) about the bleeding (still happening by the way) since they couldn't find any answers and it just seemed to be a waste of money. We can afford a child, but we can't afford testing and treatments right now to get a child. Thankfully I'm still under 30, so it's not as if we only have a year before AMA. When we do get testing and treatment, it will be through an RE and hopefully it will be around the beginning of the year (in less of course I get pregnant by then).

Edit (9/3/08): I have realized that it's a good thing that ART isn't covered by our insurance, although testing should be covered in my option. We might have jumped into ART without thinking about the morality of it. However, the financial aspect of dealing with IF is there whether you follow the Church's teaching or not. Treatments for the physical causes of IF are likely not covered under insurance for many people, and adoption is expensive as well.

7 DPO...still spotting/bleeding

I'm now 7 DPO and the spotting/bleeding continues. I should be getting "true" FP and the start of cycle #12 on Saturday. I'm ready for this bleeding to be over with, but I have not reason to believe that it won't come back again next cycle. I'm pretty sure that we don't have great odds anyways, so the bleeding makes me think that it's going to be almost impossible for me to get pregnant without it stopping.

Cramps and spotting

I started getting cramps and a backache yesterday, and it has continue to hurt off and on today. I'm still spotting/bleeding, and I don't expect that to end before FP. I wish this would stop, because it has to be reducing our chances (who knows what's wrong and how low they are anyways?). The stupid tiny little smidgen of hope is still trying to hang around too.

...It's back...ugh :(

I'm 2 DPO and spotting again. This is the third month in a row. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm so sad and pissed that this is happening again. I don't know what else to say.

1 DPO...CD 17 or 27

I've either oed early (CD 16) after the provera and second FP or oed late (CD 26) going from the first FP (normal is CD 21).

Dancing

D agreed to try to find a place to go do line dancing. The bachelorette party for my SIL was at a country line dancing place and it was so much fun. Also, at the wedding D was the only guy up dancing the cupid shuffle. We first hear it at our wedding and D liked it so much that we got the song on iTunes and we'll randomly dance to it at home and stuff. D's family was surprised at how much and how well he dances. He's a pretty good dancer once he's had a few drinks and is willing to actually go out to dance. I'm hoping that we'll be able to go somewhere on Friday or Saturday.

SIL's wedding

My SIL got married on Friday to a great guy. The wedding was good and the reception was fun. We only had one person ask when we were having kids, and D answered "When she gets pregnant". There was a lot of other random baby talk and stuff, but I think I handled it well. I finally met/got to know some of D's family, and I met C's (new BIL) cousin who was a bridesmaid and she was awesome. We had a really good time getting together with everyone that we don't get to see often.

I have no idea whether or not I've oed yet. My Saturday temp was after lots of drinking and little sleep and I didn't temp today at all, but I'm definitely in my fertile phase right now. The wedding stuff took up a lot of our time, so we actually only had intercourse one day other than today which was Wednesday. I'm pretty sure that I haven't oed yet, but this cycle is super funky due to the provera. I'm either on CD 15 or CD 25. My temp tomorrow should hopefully give me an idea whether or not I oed yet.

Vacation

We are in northern NY state right now for my SIL's wedding on Friday. Right now I'm sitting at a Honda dealership getting my tires aligned. We left Friday after work and got to my SIL and FBIL's house in Virginia on Saturday in the late morning. We stayed the night with them and then drove up to New Jersey to see D's grandma and some of his aunts and uncles (even though we'll see them later this week). We stopped for the night at a hotel and then drove up yesterday to the Finger Lakes and went wine tasting. We had a lot of wine and a good lunch, and we bought a couple hundred dollars worth of wine. Tomorrow we have the bachelor/bachelorette parties, and D is going golfing in the morning. Thursday is bridesmaids' luncheon and rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, and then the wedding is Friday. We leave sometime on Saturday to get back sometime on Sunday.

It looks like o is not impending, so I was right about this counting as a new cycle. It's disappointing since we are on vacation now, but luckily CD 21 is on a Saturday (8/16). We'll have to see how that timing is.

I'll probably be able to post a couple more times this week.

Getting ready to go on vacation

D and I are getting ready to drive to upstate NY for his sister's wedding. We leave tomorrow and we'll be gone for a little over a week so we have a lot to prepare before we go (hence the lack of updates this week). I'll have my computer while we're traveling, so I should be able to post a few times.

The good news (or at least what it looks like now) is that the second FP/bleeding seems to have ended. It would be really nice to not have to deal with that especially since we'll be driving for a couple days. I doubt that I'll be oing next Wednesday, but it would be nice. It's more likely that I'll be oing 2 weeks from Saturday.

Second FP?

I think that Provera may have caused a second FP starting yesterday. How exciting. Now I probably have to wait 3 more weeks to o. My body is really driving me crazy, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with my body being screwed up. I'm so frustrated and sad right now.

And it returns...CD 11

The spotting/bleeding is back. This sucks. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not going back to the dr, she has no idea what's causing it either.

Done with Provera

I took my last provera last night, and the spotting seems to be gone as of yesterday. Hopefully, the spotting won't return. If it did, I would be beyond frustrated since I've already dealt with it for the past two cycles.

D is home this week, which is very exciting since he was traveling for the last SIX weeks. He, of course, had to work today (but he does get paid extra for weekends). We leave on Friday to drive up to my SIL's wedding, which is the following Friday. We'll be going wine tasting the Monday of our trip and SIL's wedding reception is at a different winery.

We'll be staying at a hotel, which is good since I should be oing on Wednesday of that week. I'm hoping that I'll have a less stressed-out husband since he won't have to work that week...which means romance hopefully.

One year ago today

Cycle #1 started a year ago today. I never expected that we would get to this day and not at least be pregnant. I guess that I'll just have to be glad that I can do the wine tasting when we go up for SIL's wedding, especially since her reception is at a winery.

In random future plans, D is fine with cloth diapering since he and his sisters were actually cloth diapered.

Names for Non-Existent Children

Please forgive my craziness, this is kind of a confession.

Last night after getting off the phone with D (who woke me up), I was trying to fall back asleep and for some reason baby names came into my head. We have already talked about names (we talked about it after a couple months of dating) and we have two that we like for sure. One is a girl's name and the other is a boy's name. I don't want to share the name and maybe not even the sex of the baby with others (though D and I will probably find out). I want it to be a surprise for everyone else, and I want most gender-neutral stuff at showers.

D is into initials (his are DRS), so he would like intials that spell something. He wants to use his middle name for our first-born son but the first name we like best starts with an A. He doesn't want the initials ARS (he thinks arse), so that name is out for our first. We plan to use it if we have a second son, with a different middle name (ABS). For a girl, we have the name for the first picked out (CGS). Ideally, two boys and a girl would be a good makeup based on name choice.

We had originally decided on a name for the first boy, but I've decided that I don't really like it that much. I am now thinking about J names (JRS) or maybe a N name (NRS). At this point, there is still a long way to go before naming a baby, so I haven't brought it up with D recently to get his take. I'll probably start talking to him about it once we have a BFP.

When spotting is good

I'm actually to the point where I'm spotting instead of bleeding, and it's only CD 6. Now this may sound normal to most people, but I generally have 7 to 9 days of full on bleeding followed by spotting. I've only had shorter periods during cycles after clomid. I'm hoping that this means that the spotting/bleeding won't happen again this cycle. I'm not sure what I'd to if it happened again.

I'm really looking forward to D getting home on Friday. He may have to work on Sunday, but he should be in town all next week. We leave to head up to his sister's wedding and other than some separate wedding related stuff we'll be together all that week (which coincides with o week conveniently).

Good talk

D and I actually talked about the plan regarding involving doctors in the whole trying for a baby thing. We agreed that we would go back to just trying on our own until the end of the year (other than him hopefully getting an SA done). On the SA front, I told him that I just wanted to know what we were working with on his end.

I've got a major backache right now.

On the nanny front, it's been interesting since the boy (10 1/2 months old) is teething so he's cranky and the girl (almost 3 years old) is finally being weaned from the pacifier so she's got a nightmare attitude right now.

Weekend

My parents came to visit this weekend. We got wood to make storage in the garage rafter, and the stuff to make in-house attic access. Right now the only way into the attic is a tiny hole in the pantry and you have to move all the shelves out. I'm hoping that D will get that sorted out by the end of August.

He's out of town again this week, but it should be the last week that he's traveling for a while. He should be home next week and then we leave for SIL's wedding and we'll be gone for that work week (plus a couple days).

I'm sad that D's gone again. It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well last night and I have major cramps. I really hope that my body will get back to normal after the Provera, so we'll at least have a chance this cycle. I'm so tired of bleeding. Since the beginning of June I've only had about 10 day were I wasn't bleeding.

CD 1...Cycle 11

Quicky post: Cycle #11 seems to have started today. Next Wednesday (July 23) will be a year since Cycle #1 of officially TTC (I o'd right before the wedding so we didn't have a chance that cycle). I took my first Provera pill today. There's no way I'm pregnant, and I want to get done with the bleeding.

Provera

The reason that my dr. prescribed provera is that is it is supposed stop irregular bleeding. However, it is contraindicated for pregnancy, so I want to make sure there's no miracle pregnancy first.

Sad

I just can't get out of the sadness. Ever since I started bleeding the day I o'd, I've felt sad and a little scared. It really bothers me and makes me a little depressed that there are no answers as to why I'm bleeding. I'm supposed to start Provera, but I'm really paranoid that somehow the beta was too early and that if I end up taking it, I'll find out I'm actually pregnant. To avoid that possibility, I'm going to wait until Saturday and test then. If it's negative then, I'll start the Provera. I really hope that next cycle doesn't involve crazy bleeding; I can't handle it happening again. I need there to be a chance that this could work sometime soon. I really want a baby before my 29th birthday in October next year, so we have about 6 more months for that to happen.

No more

I've decided no more drs until I'm either pregnant or we can afford to see an RE. I can't handle spending so much money for no answers and no results. No clomid, nothing except my vitamins.

Negative beta...big surprise, right?

Negative beta draw at 9 DPO. Now they want to put me on Provera. I don't even know if I should keep going to this dr (ob/gyn).

Hope when hopeless (or why I hate my body)...10 DPO

That's how I feel. There is this tiny glimmer of hope, even with the bleeding, that the dr's office will call and say that my beta was positive at 9 DPO. It's insanity to believe that it's possible, since I've been bleeding or spotting since the day I o'd. I'm not even going to call to check on the results, I'm just going to wait until they call me. I just want to know why I'm bleeding; I just need answers.

Blood, blood and more blood

I'm still bleeding/spotting. I got my progesterone levels back and it was over 40. After getting those results, my dr wanted a beta done (even though I'm only 9 DPO...crazy early). Hopefully there will be some answers soon. This craziness is driving me crazy.

Happy Anniversary to Me...9 DPO

Today is our anniversary. D is out of town until Friday. We celebrated our anniversary on Saturday and had a good time, but I'm still very disappointed that he's not here.

We have been trying for a year now, although I o'd 2 days before the wedding so we didn't have a chance that cycle. Cycle #1 TTC officially started July 23. I'm actually still only in the 2ww of cycle #10 (9 DPO). Cycle #12 won't end until around mid-September . Depending on whether you count months or cycles, I'm close to an official label of "infertility", either 9 days or 2 months.

I should get my progesterone b/w results back sometime today.

D has decided he wants to try yoga, so I put some of the podcast workouts that I do and a couple for weight loss and love handles. I hope that he likes them; it would be kind of cool to do them together.

Still spotting, bloodwork, anniversary dinner...8DPO

Yesterday I went to go get my blood drawn for my progesterone bloodwork. I was a little surprised that they took 4 vials. I am still spotting but it's definitely not the full on bleed like earlier in the week.

Since D is going out of town again later this afternoon, we went out for our first anniversary dinner last night. We went to a "fancy" steakhouse and it wasn't as good as we expected for the price we paid. I told him we should just go to the one in our hometown which is fabulous. I got D brown socks (he didn't want me to get anything else for him) and a card. He "bought" me a new bra (I went and bought it myself). I'm very happy about the new bra, my others were getting old, worn out and too small.

Future SA? and just spotting...6 DPO

This part is XP from TTC6+: D may finally be getting closer to being willing to get an SA done. He actually acknowledge the possibility that I might not be the only defective one. He's going to be OOT for work for at least the next two weeks, and then we go to my SIL's wedding, but after that he may actually get tested. I be happy as long as it's done in the next few months, preferably by my birthday in October.

I'm finally just spotting instead of full on bleeding. I get my progesterone tested tomorrow, but I won't have the results until sometime Monday.

Dr. appt...5 DPO

She thinks that my bleeding is due to poor ovulation, and that's it probably not endo. I'll be getting my progesterone bloodwork done on Saturday, and I'll have the results Monday (9 DPO). I don't know what to do since we can't afford to go to an RE yet, and I'm not sure right now that I want to do the 4th round of clomid. I guess if the levels are low, we'll end up doing it but it may not be until the following cycle, not this next one. One good thing is that the bleeding has slowed from yesterday.

I'm really sad and frustrated right now. I don't know what to do. I really wish that D was home because I need a hug, and he's not a big phone talker.

Still no answers...4 DPO

I had my u/s today and everything looked normal. My dr was out of the office so she's hopefully going to call me tomorrow. The bleed is definitely not getting any better, if anything it's worse and heavier...and TMI ahead: clotty. I'm so sad and frustrated right now. I just want to know what's going on.

Disappointed

I just found out that D will be out of town for our first anniversary next Monday. This will like the 5th week in a row that he's been traveling. He will probably be out of town the following week too. He's been covering for a person who left the company and now he's training the replacement and covering for them when they go down to the corporate office (which is here). He is around on the weekends (well Saturday and part of Sunday), but I'm ready for him to be around during the week.

I think that I'll end up needing to wait on my next round of Clomid, since I don't know for sure that he's actually going to be around at the appropriate time. The good news is that without Clomid, I should hopefully o the week of my SIL's wedding, so we should have a chance at good timing.

I didn't make it to the u/s appointment for today, so I'll be going tomorrow at 10:15.

3 DPO...U/S tomorrow

I have an ultrasound tomorrow to try to figure out why I'm bleeding. I'll hopefully have some answers around 11 or 12 tomorrow. I really hope that they can figure out why I'm bleeding.

Still bleeding...2 DPO

I called my dr since I have been bleeding for three days starting at o time. Of course, I managed to accidentally put my phone on silent. When I saw that they had called, the nurse had already left for the day. So now I have to wait for them to call back tomorrow.

Random Bleeding...Round 2 and other stuff

I'll start off with the fun. We went to the July 4th/cousin's birthday, etc. party yesterday. We hung out and had some drinks and talked. It was a good time for the most part. My uncle somehow knew that we have been trying, and we hear a couple of interesting stories. My 19-year-old (unmarried) pregnant cousin was there with the baby's daddy. I don't think that we are supposed to know that she's pregnant, but everyone (except my grandparents) knows. It was frustrating for me, since it will be the first great-grandchild on that side. Also, she has never really hung out with the family even at family gatherings, so I'm not close to her. I had a few times that I got upset with baby/pregnancy talk and had to leave the room.

I should hopefully be o'ing today, so we had intercourse this morning. Afterwards, I was bleeding for no apparent reason, which is always awesome. D will be out of town again this coming week, so if I don't o today (or tomorrow) then it would be best if I didn't until next Saturday. I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet, but yesterday's was darker than the day before's. I haven't tested yet today. (The line one was positive, but the digital was negative.)

We are going to see my grandparents this afternoon, and then we are driving home. I'll post either later or tomorrow hopefully.

Travels etc.

We are going to Austin tonight when D gets back from Memphis and staying with my brother DF tonight. We are going to a July 4/cousin's birthday/aunt & uncle's 25 anniversary party tomorrow. We are staying in a hotel in Austin on Friday, and going to see my grandparents on Saturday.

I'm still waiting to o, which is good since D is out of town still. I'm not really expecting to o until Saturday anyways (CD 21). I haven't gotten a + OPK yet (or even close), but I'm kind of excited to try out the digital. I'm doing the regular line ones until I get what I think is a + or close, and I'm going to confirm with the digital.

I'm trying to decide if we should do the clomid next cycle or the following or just wait. We are still getting dr's bills from my last round in April. The few things that have been "covered" are part of our deductible.

Yoga update

In the last two weeks or so since I started doing yoga again, I have done at least one 20-30 minute workout every day but one. At least half of the days I have done 2 or more that day. I'm feeling pretty good, but I can definitely tell that I haven't done it in a while. I generally do my Yoga for Fertility (which is a quiet one that I can do at night) every day. I alternate the other workouts that I do (legs, shoulders, etc.) depending on how I feel and what I've done lately. I haven't done all the ones I downloaded yet from Yogamazing, but I'm trying to work my way through them.

Confessions

I have a spreadsheet on my computer with my likely o dates and EDD for the next 18 cycles based on my usual o date and LP. I update it regularly and play around with the dates.

I was just thinking about how nice it would be for me to get a BFP this cycle, since it would be right after our anniversary and my EDD would be March 28, which is right before D's birthday. I just wish I could be more hopeful about it.

I also spent way too much time last night researching cloth diapers for a baby yet to be conceived. I'm sure I want to use cloth; I'm just deciding on which to use.

Annoyed

D still isn't willing to do an SA. He just doesn't want to. I've gone through multiple blood draws, internal ultrasounds, clomid, progesterone suppositories, and even an intramuscular injection for my trigger. I think that he doesn't want to think that something is wrong with him, thus no "romance in a cup". It's annoying since it means that we could be wasting our time on clomid, which we are paying for out of pocket. I just want answers as to what the problem is, although it would be better to just finally be pregnant.

One more round

I'll be doing one more round of clomid (I'm assuming 100 mg) with trigger next cycle (#11), unless this is one of my long cycles. My SIL's wedding is Aug. 8 and we'll be OOT from late Friday, August 1 to Sunday, August 10. If I have my standard CD 21 o and 11 day LP this cycle, then CD 14 of next cycle should be July 30 and hopefully I'd be triggering then. If this cycle is long, we'd just wait and do the clomid on cycle #12 in late August-early September.

I'm currently on CD 14, so I'll probably o next Saturday, July 5 (CD 21).

D has said quite a few sweet things in the last week, especially last night. I love him so much. I'm really looking forward to him being home during the week in another week or two. We're going to Austin for a party for my aunt, uncle and cousin on July 4th.

Bloodwork results back

CBC and thyroid are both normal. I was actually kind of hoping that my thyroid would be off since that's something that my insurance would have to cover treatment for. Since we can't afford to go to the RE right now, we may try one more round of clomid (my 4th) with my ob/gyn. I called DH so he can think about it.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that we probably won't be moving forward to the RE for a while (at least 6 months or a year). This will especially be an issue if we don't do another round of clomid. I really just want to have some answers about what's going on and why it's taking a while, and I hate that I'm just having to keep waiting and hoping that it will work soon.

Crazy day

I still haven't gotten my b/w results yet. I called my dr's office at 10 and 4, and my dr. finally called back at 5:55. It was the only time that I wasn't near my phone, since I was filling up my car. I did try to call back, but no one was there. I was only at the gas station at that time because I got off work later than usual. I also had to stop at the store since we needed a long of stuff since we were out of town for almost two weeks (off and on).

The little girl, S, that I nanny had a bunch of bathroom accidents today, so that was great fun. The little boy, W, is starting to cruise and be able to sort of walk if you hold his hands. I hadn't seen them in about two weeks, so W had changed a lot.

My ex-best friend from high school, who I had a falling-out with senior year, friended me on Facebook. I hadn't talk to her in at least 8 or more years.

D will be out of town again next week, but he's off for the 4th of July so he'll be back Thursday. I should hopefully o on the 5th, which is Saturday. If I'm off on the 4th (up in the air right now...I should find out tomorrow), we are going to a party my aunt and uncle are throwing near Austin. It would also mean that I'd get a chance to see my grandparents and possibly my brother.

Waiting for the results

I'm waiting for the b/w results (beta, CBC...complete blood count, TSH...thyroid stimulating hormone), but I won't get them until tomorrow since it's after 5. I got my blood draw done at 12:30 or so. I was hoping that they would call with at least some of the results today, but no luck. The good news is the spotting finally stopped on CD 11.

Still spotting

I'm on CD 10 and I'm still spotting. Yesterday I was still bleeding. I've now been at least spotting for 19 days and bleeding (at least off and on) for 14 days. This is getting really old and I want it to stop. I don't know what I should do at this point and I don't know if I should call my dr or not.

Update: I call my dr's office and talked to the nurse. I'm now waiting for her to call back after talking to the dr.

Update to update: I'm going in for b/w tomorrow when I get back from Memphis, so hopefully my dr can figure out what's going on.

Yoga

I'm trying to get back into doing yoga. I actually took yoga as my HP/PE in college. I've been doing ones from podcasts, which seems to be the easiest way for me. I did two workouts yesterday and felt a lot better. I even bought one for fertility. I know that it probably won't help me get pregnant, but it hopefully will help me relax at least. If you are interested, it's Yogamazing and there are free podcasts available in iTunes, with focuses on different body parts, etc.

D is going to go out of town and I may or not be able to join him. I might be able to go up with his co-worker (who is our friend) tomorrow if I don't have to work until Thursday.

Ouch

Cramps suck. Nothing else to say.

Annoyed

I'm annoyed that I've been bleeding for over a week and will probably continue to bleed for almost a week more. I'm annoyed that less than a month from our anniversary, we are still having to deal with TTC. I'm annoyed that I've been in a crappy mood since I started bleeding. I'm annoyed that it may be another year before we would move on to the RE. I'm annoyed that I probably won't o for at least two more weeks.

I'm so tired of waiting. I'm tired of TI. I'm tired of worrying about whether our timing will be good. I just want to be pregnant, so one of these days I can have a child with blonde hair and blue eyes. Only two more cycles before we hit cycle 12, and with my lovely cycles I'm only going to be on cycle 10 after trying for a year.

I haven't really gone anywhere other than lunch or dinner in Memphis so far. I should probably do something tomorrow.

CD 1, Cycle 10

Yesterday was our 11 month wedding (and TTC) anniversary, and today, Father's Day, I finally started Cycle 10 after spotting since 3 DPO and bleeding off and on since 7 DPO. I'm up in Memphis with D for his business trip. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to update while he's working this week.

11 DPO

No real change. I'm still bleeding off and on and spotting. When I told D that my body was defective, he actually said something cute. He said that my body had been working extra hard these last few months on the clomid, and that it need a break to get back to normal. I don't plan to test since the bleeding means it's almost impossible for me to be pregnant. I expect to start FP for real in the next couple days.

We are visiting our parents this weekend for Father's Day. We took our dads to see Indiana Jones today and we are going to dinner with both families tonight. I got the bridesmaid's dress for J, my SIL's, wedding and although I ordered 2 sizes too big in case I was pregnant, it's actually pretty close to fitting. The back at the top need to be taken in, but surprisingly the waist fits pretty well. Sadly, I have no chance of being more than about 6-7 weeks pregnant (if that) at the wedding.